I (22F) have never had a great relationship with my sister (24F). Growing up, she and my mom were always extremely close, and I often felt like the odd one out. My mom would take my sister shopping or out to eat and I’d usually find out afterward. Sometimes I’d be stuck at an after-school activity while they went and did things together, which really strained my relationship with my sister.
My parents got divorced when we were in high school. I ended up living with my dad while my sister lived with my mom. During that time my sister was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, but she has refused therapy or treatment. Because of all this, our relationship has always been distant and sometimes tense. I try to be civil, but she has a habit of making things that are supposed to be about me… about her.
Fast forward to this past spring. I graduated from one of the top colleges in the U.S. I worked incredibly hard to get there and finish, and I was really proud of that accomplishment. My dad threw a graduation party for me with our aunts, uncles, cousins, and close family friends.
For months leading up to the party, my sister had been joking that her boyfriend was going to propose. She’d been saying it since Christmas, but nothing had happened yet. Before the party, my dad actually pulled her aside and told her very clearly not to do anything like that at my graduation party. He wanted the day to stay focused on my graduation.
Well… during the party, with our entire extended family there, her boyfriend suddenly got down on one knee and proposed. At first nobody said anything because they know what my sister is like and were shocked. But eventually people started crowding around them, taking pictures, hugging them, and talking about wedding plans. Within minutes the whole party basically stopped being about my graduation and turned into their engagement party. This also isn’t the first time she’s taken over something that was supposed to be about me. I ended up getting so upset that I quietly left my own graduation party and drove back to my apartment.
Recently I received their wedding invitation. After thinking about it, I RSVP’d no. I’m still really upset about what happened, and I don’t want to show up to her wedding feeling angry and resentful. That feels unfair to her and could ruin the day. I don’t want to cause a scene or bring negativity to her wedding. When she found out I wasn’t coming, she got furious and called our dad trying to get him to convince me to go, in this call she admitted to telling her boyfriend to propose during my graduation party. My dad told her I’m an adult and he isn’t going to force me to attend something I’m uncomfortable with.
Now she’s telling family members I’m being petty and trying to punish her for being happy. From my perspective, I’m just trying to set a boundary after 22 years of feeling like she gets to take over anything important to me. Some family members think I should just go to “keep the peace.” So now I’m wondering if I’m being unreasonable.
NTA. “That feels unfair to her and could ruin the day.” Wishful thinking on your part. She couldn’t care less, though of course she will tell everyone who will listen how hurt she is by your supposed cruelty. “Keep the peace”? You’re not threatening to disrupt the wedding, just staying away. Your sister is the one who’s disrupting the peace by turning other family members against you and encouraging them to manipulate you into going. Don’t fall for it. Kudos to your dad!
Thank you, I’m also very proud and thankful that my dad is at least trying to stand up for me even though my sister isn’t listening to him.
why don’t you go and ruin her wedding?
There is a small part of me that wants her to have taste of her own medicine, but a bigger and louder part of me doesn’t want to treat her the way she treats me since I know how much it hurts.
NTA. Also, family and friends don’t get to weigh in. Go ahead and stick to your boundaries. Your dad can also stop anyone voicing their opinions to him. Congratulations on your graduation!!
NTA. I wouldn’t have even responded and just gone NC
NTA
All people proposing on either peoples party’s deserve a special place in hell.
A proposal in a public space is always terrible, in my opinion it should always been done in private leaving the woman space to decline. With people around there is too much pressure to comfortably say no.
NTA. Consider going no contact. Sounds like she contributes nothing meaningful or positive to your life.
Go to the weeding and announce you’re pregnant.
Wear a wedding dress and announce you’re pregnant with the groom’s baby.
Even better: announce you’re pregnant, start crying tears of joy, and make sure you maintain unbreakable eye contact with the groom the entire time.
NTA
I’d be completely NC with her.
Does her fiance know that she orchestrated the proposal against your wishes and against your dads instructions? Does he know why you’re not going to the wedding (not just because of this one incident)?
If not, please let him know the truth, because your sister is obviously a liar.
Just because someone has invited you to an event (even family) you are not legally obliged to attend.
The chances that she’ll be insufferable and find some way to humiliate you on her big day are high.
NTA
NTA
Do not go. Don’t do it. There is no winning with this kind of person. There is only minimizing their impact on you.