I divorced my ex-wife about 5 years ago when I learned she had a private emergency fund. The problem with it was I was working 60-80 hours a week to keep up with the bills while she was laid off. I was under the impression we were struggling a ton and broke my back to pay the bills when in reality she squirrel away around 50k and was still adding to it.
The divorce was messy and I learned about a lot of spending that I didn’t know about on her end. Also a lot of credit card debt. In the end the house was sold and we both moved into our separate places.
The kids in high school when the divorce happened ( we were young when we had them) and now they are both in college and bounce with who they stay with.
The issue is my ex wife money problems. I am doing well for myself and recently bought a house. My ex is not, and is having trouble keeping a job. She is going to be kicked out of her apartment soon.
My kids want me to help her out, I have told them no many time and it is growing into an disagreement. They think I am being heartless. That it’s my fault she is having issue because did the divorce and I told them their mom’s issues are not my problem.
They are ignoring me at the moment and I am wondering if I am in the wrong
NTA – tell the kids the divorce is BECAUSE your ex lied to you repeatedly about finances, if you haven’t already.
They know
I think they just find it hard to watch my ex struggle
I’m sure they do. But it wouldn’t be helping her. It would be enabling her. She’s a grown up and no longer your responsibility. I assume she got something from the divorce. She had 50k squirreled away. If she refuses to live within her means, that isn’t your problem any more. But maybe offer to pay for counseling for your kids.
I don’t want to judge based on what’s provided. I think it is highly dependent on tone from both parties. But you’re right, you don’t owe it to your ex to bail her out of problems she created.
However, as an adult whose parents went through a very ugly divorce that included forensic accountants and poor decisions on both sides – have empathy for your kids. They’re watching their mother suffer, even if it’s by her own design, and that’s difficult to watch when you also see the other parent thrive. Splitting the family legally is a lot different than doing it emotionally.
When lines of communication open again, try and stay as neutral as possible on the topic of their mother. Don’t ask, but don’t shut down the conversation
If they bring it up and want to talk about how difficult it is to watch. Because it is. If they ask you to intervene and bail her out again, let them know that’s inappropriate for you to do and redirect to their own lives.
However, it might be worth doing some probing to make sure she isn’t trying to get them to bail her out, too. That’s so much pressure to put on young adults and could set a habit they’ll never be able to get out from under. Encourage them to prioritize their own finances, help them learn budgeting and financial literacy so they don’t fall for the same mistakes their mother has.
NTA
They are old enough to work and still partially live with her. They should be helping too.
You made a difficult decision to split a family over money and your ex hasn’t learned her lesson yet clearly. Helping prop her up would be enabling if she has bad spending habits.
NTA
You’re divorced, and unless you are paying court ordered alimony, you don’t owe her further
NTA.
She lied. She sat and watched you suffer to provide when she was hiding that much money. God only knows what else she lied about. So she was saving all this money while using credit cards? That’s not right.
I understand the kids wanting you to help, but divorce is a true separation in every way. I wouldn’t help her.
The kids will eventually understand.
I do think they should get therapy, as that’s a huge life changing event.
NTA but also you probably want to sit down and have a neutral discussion with your kids to retain that relationship rather than just saying “not, not my problem” because obviously they’re concerned about their mom and being young, probably don’t realize the full extent of the issues that might come from you stepping in. You say they know about the financial problems that lead to the divorce, but do they actually understand the depth of those issues, the ramifications for you personally as well as the marriage, and the connection to the current concerns? By having a more in depth conversation, you may be able to alleviate some of the pressure on your relationship
*Your mother is perfectly capable of working and taking care of herself. She is no longer my responsibility. To you, that may sound heartless. But your mother is an adult and she CHOSE the life she has now.*
NTA
You’re NTA, but it might be worth considering your priorities.
You have no reason to care about your ex-wife, I agree.
But if this poisons your relationship with your children, is that a price you’re willing to pay?
Do you think they’ll come around to your side if you can tell them “I asked on reddit, and *they* said I was in the right!”?
If your kids think you’re heartless, that’s the core of the issue. What do you want to do about that? You have several options:
– nothing: let them think what they want, and let them hate you if they want to
– explain the situation to them and get them to understand
– or help your ex-wife, not for *her* sake, but for the sake of your children who don’t want their mother to struggle
Neither of these options is *right* or *wrong*. But I think you’ll have to think one step further than “does reddit think I’m an asshole?!”, and figure out what relationship you want with your kids, and how you’re going to ensure you *have* that relationship.
This is the right way to look at this. This isn’t an AITA issue. It’s about coming to an understanding with his kids about what is responsibilities are or aren’t.
> or help your ex-wife, not for her sake, but for the sake of your children who don’t want their mother to struggle
i worry that mom is weaponizing the kids against OP and helping her out is just rewarding that behavior. only she knows what her financial status is; she’s made that clear already.
imo OP needs to explain to the kids that she can come to him herself if she needs help, and it can’t come from them. they can’t be involved.
Mom is absolutely weaponizing the kids against OP. I see it ALL THE TIME at work (family law paralegal) – people will pit their kids against the other parent in hopes of wearing them down for the sake of that parent preserving their relationship with the kids. Bad behavior gets rewarded, and the cycle repeats itself.
If she needs help, she can come to OP with an offer for a loan and a timetable for repayment and consequences if those milestones aren’t met. This “Tell your dad he should give me money!” bs is just games.
NTA.
So, option #3 could be an endless money pit.