My parents are getting a divorce. That leaves me with all of the bills because my (23F) dad left.
My mom (56F) has always worked odd jobs like housekeeping etc. so she doesn’t make much. She has always contributed somewhat to pay for electricity or other small miscellaneous expenses but nothing major.
When my dad left I told my mom she can continue paying whatever she was paying before and I’ll cover the bigger bills like rent, phone bill, car payment, etc.
My mom and I live together in a 2bed apt in NYC. I have a boyfriend who will stay over on the weekends (new relationship, so he has only stayed over 2 weekends in the past 3 months). I told my mom he was going to stay next weekend and she began to call me inconsiderate, and expressing that she doesn’t want him to stay.
I told her that I am only living in our current apartment because of her. If I leave to get my own place, she legit has no where to go. No other family, and definitely not a job that can afford NYC rent. She called me a bunch of names started crying and slammed her door shut. I told her that it’s not my fault she is in this situation.
I on the other hand, can very much comfortably afford a 1 bed apt in the city…. But I stay where I grew up so that my mom isn’t homeless. To me, she has no right to complain or tell me that my boyfriend is a “waste of time (?)” and every other rude comment she made about him. It’s not like we are lounging around having loud sex on the weekends, we go out, and come back to shower and sleep, then leave again in the morning.
I don’t see why she thinks she is entitled to complaining when she is living there rent free.
Edit: I also stay at his place, he lives an hour away from the city which requires me to take my car. Yes, she also complains that I take my car and leave her with no car (that I pay for, btw).
starting to see why pa left
Same…
NTA. If she wants to dictate who comes and goes, she can start paying the rent and the bills. This is your place and you make those choices. That is a very hard transition for your mother, of course, but it sounds like you are trying to be as supportive as possible. If she can’t appreciate that, then maybe she needs to find a full-time job and a studio apartment she can afford on her own. 56 is not too old to work.
NTA. I get not wanting to have a guy she doesn’t know in her apartment night after night, but it doesn’t sound like that sort of thing is going on. If I were you, I’d tell her firmly that you WILL be seeing your boyfriend one way or another, she can’t have it both ways. Do you think it’s an insecurity thing? Like maybe because she just lost her husband, she’s worried about losing you to a guy?
I think your mom is still dealing with her break up and is probably feeling abandoned/lonely because she has no one besides you. It is very nice of you to stay and pay for your mom but I also think you need to start setting more boundaries so that you can eventually move out. Start pushing her to get better jobs. Encourage her to go out. She can’t rely on you for money and a social life.
NTA
She’s basically trying to pull the ”my house, my rules” bit while you pay the rent.
NTA
I don’t think you can live long-term with your mom if you ever want a husband/ family of your own. She is toxic and you deserve better.
In the divorce, does she get alimony? Does she get 50 percent of his retirement? Move her to a place where this covers the bills.
Is she able to work still? Maybe being a live in or something with room and board could be good for her until she hits SS age.
Figure it out now so you aren’t stuck with her.
She might be worried that you are going to move out to live with your boyfriend and leave her with no place to go.
You provide her with a place to live, a vehicle to drive and pay other bills also. If you were inconsiderate, you’d move out and leave her to fend for herself. You might want to remind her of that next time she calls you inconsiderate.
NTA. You can do it…you get to say it. “You’re living under MY roof, you have to live by MY rules!”
NTA Your mother is an adult and has to start acting like one, not like a spoiled teenager. It’s not fair that you’re being treated like this in your own home. You should seriously consider getting your own place after this and letting her sort things out herself.
She can get a lawyer and sue your father for spousal support
I think you really need to think if you’re gonna want support your mom for the rest of her life, and if you think you can find a partner who’s ok with that, and let her know in case you don’t. Definitely NTA.
NTA.
Wasn’t there something your Mom got from the split? Also, in many cases, if the husband earns substantially more than the wife, the wife gets some financial support from the husband.
NTA. I would tell your mom that this situation is not sustainable long-term, and she needs to get her game plan together to become financially self-sufficient. I don’t know when the lease is up, but tell her that you will only renew the lease if she’s getting herself to a point where she can move into a studio or one-bedroom on her own, and she needs to accept that you’re a grown woman who is the breadwinner living in this apartment, and you’re dating who you want to date and they’re spending the night a few times a week. She may be your mom, but she’s also your roommate. Your car is your car. Let her complain. She can take the bus or subway, even if it takes a while depending on where you live.
Does your mom have an attorney for this divorce? Is your dad going to be paying her alimony and splitting the accounts fairly? Does he have substantial assets? I might consider hiring an attorney to advocate for her to get a fair settlement in the divorce if so, and then tell her that the money she gets in the divorce she needs to use to get some education/training so that she can be financially self-sufficient.
Gurl. You are not responsible for her. You have saddled yourself to parent your mother for tge next 30-50 years. This is unhealthy.
Get her into social services, etc. Get yourself out.