I 24F and fiance 29M had an argument. I was already mad at him for one thing already and I was about to let it go but then he goes on to ask me the question of "Do your parents know you’re mad at me?" (we are LDR) and I answered no. Because I see it as whatever happens between us stays between just us especially things like small or big arguments here and there. Like support in public and correct in private kind of idea.
He then goes on to say that he told his uncle but it wasn’t out of spite but more of like it just came up in conversation. I was taken back and was and still kind of am ticked off that he would go and talk about our business with his uncle. I don’t want to come off as the annoying partner that won’t let their partner do anything. His family is really nice and loving but I don’t want to come off as the controlling fiance. But it just rubbed me the wrong way because I myself have not told my parents any arguments or tiffs between my fiance and I big or small. Out of respect and as well as not wanting my parents to see him in a different way. The reason why I am posting is that is this normal to let others know about tiffs even if they are small or big? Am I over thinking it?
What is normal in my view is to involve family only when you have tried every possible way of resolving the matter (if its something big) between yourselves first. If it is big and is not getting resolved, then involving family (that too post mutual discussion) makes sense because they may advise better (specially when you say that family is nice and understanding). But telling every other argument to your family sounds more like complaining, talking behind your back (which is NOT normal).
> The reason why I am posting is that is this normal to let others know about tiffs even if they are small or big? Am I over thinking it?
Yes. Massively yes.
Who are you going to go to for advice if not family? YOU are telling strangers on Reddit about this fight to find some clarity. Why shouldn’t he have the same option?
OTOH, there’s this:
>I was already mad at him for one thing already and I was about to let it go but then he goes on to ask me the question of “Do your parents know you’re mad at me?”
You were “about to let it go”. Why didn’t you?
Instead you ramped the fight back up, using the justification, “but then he goes and asks me…” The language is really dismissive.
YTA op.
You are not over thinking it and yes it should stay between you.
No one ever gives the complete context or their partner’s side of the story when they share with others.
A good therapist knows there are two sides to a story and will ask questions. A family member will believe their family member.
But we also don’t know exactly what your fiancé said. Did he say “Mabel and I don’t agree that blue and green can be worn together.”
Or was it more like “Mabel said I have no ambition and my family sucks.”
In the end though, if you have respectfully asked him not to share these things with your family then he shouldn’t. If you’re having relationship problems, that’s what counsellors are for.
I highly recommend you live in the same town for at least a year before you get married.
Sorry but yes it is normal to go to friends or family (not every person but someone at least) for advice and to confide in. This bs of thinking people – especially men – need to keep their mouths shut and never speak to anyone about their feelings is so toxic.
Should you tell them everything? No. But your title makes it seem like he told several people not just his uncle. And you left out what the fight originally was about.
YTA
NAH
i don’t know the magnitude of the argument but everyone processes things differently.
Like you’re asking stranger for advice, he vented about it to his uncle.
People who know you can judge you better than stranger’s and should also be able to tell you if you’re wrong.
it’s fair that you feel exposed, but it’s also fair that he talks about thing’s with people he trusts.
you should calmly talk about it with him and set some boundaries about who to confide in.
like if you feel like a cousin is too gossipy, he shouldn’t tell her, but instead his (hopefully) respectful uncle for example
and maybe you should ask your parents for advice. they know you and probably went through similar arguments. maybe they can shed some light on sides you weren’t considering
YTA – He’s looking for support from someone older and wiser whom he can trust. Being in a long-distance relationship is hard enough as it is, since you can’t work things out as they happen as easily as if you were able to get together and talk.
Give the guy a break and let him handle things in his own way.
NTA. It’s completely reasonable to want some privacy in your relationship. Sharing personal conflicts with family can change how they see your partner, even if it wasn’t intentional.
It might be worth setting clear boundaries about what stays between you two.
YTA. Yes, it is normal to talk to your family ir friends about conflicts or stresses in your relationship. Common and normal. The extremes of that- telling your family/friends *everything* all the time, and telling your family/friends *nothing* ever- are usually a red flag.
By demanding your fiancé tell their family about nothing ever that happens between you, you are waving a red flag. It’s removing another means of support from them. You should *both* have means of support outside of each other. It’s healthy and necessary.
Lastly, you say you “don’t want to be the controlling fiancé” but you are. By creating arguments about this after the fact, and pressuring them to “keep it between you” all the time and only, that is exerting control. There are of course things that should stay between you, but a blanket rule about who they can’t communicate with about what is control.