I am a 41 year old female and have a 38 year old female sister. We were raised by the same parents and had the same upbringing. When she was 15 she was bullied so she was pulled out of public school and homeschooled. I finished high school, went off to college and eventually med school. Fast forward, my sister can’t keep a job and still lives at home. I bought my house a few years ago and have had a steady career for awhile, two years ago I got diagnosed with cancer and it was touch and go for a bit but I am back to work and living my life the best I can. My parents are getting older and have their share of health issues. They expected me to make sure she was taken care of after they passed but even before getting sick I didn’t feel like that was my job. She’s not disabled, she has no limitations, just never had to actually pay bills or has been required be an adult. Recently I have had a lot of discussions with my mom about having them change their will so that her inheritance is in a trust so she can’t have it all at once in fear that she will spend jt all too quick. I’ve tried to explain that it’s not fair to dump the responsibility of taking care of her on me when she’s capable of taking care of herself. I’m afraid they won’t change their will and when something happens I will be forced to make a shitty decision.
NTA. It isn’t your responsibility to care for your sister. This failure falls totally on your parents for allowing your sister to go on like this for so long. If they don’t change their will and she blows through the money, it will suck and be sad, but oh well. It’s what your parents were willing to allow.
NTA though I can’t tell from your narrative what shitty decision you’re worrying about. She is certainly not your responsibility. Are you worried about being her trustee? That doesn’t require you to go beyond administering the trust. Is the trust inadequate to her needs? That’s not your fault: it’s a supplement to what she provides for herself.
Nta you are describing my family. I tried to get my mom to put my sister’s inheritance in a trust. She refused. Less than 2 years after my mom died my sister had spend it all. Then expected my siblings and I to step in. She once forged a check I sent her made out to her phone company so she wouldn’t lose her phone. Just so many more times just like this. My other siblings gave up on her years ago after trying to help her. I only hear from her when she needs money. I never contact her. This has been going on for 24 years. We all told my mom we would not put up with my sister’s irresponsibility or take care of her. Sometimes you have to realize things will never change and you have to decide what works for you.
NTA, but your parents kinda are for a) letting your sister get away without having to adult and b) expecting you to parent her.
Who would force you to take care of her if your parents are gone? Seriously unless she already has them as legal caretakers or conservators there’s nothing they can do to enforce that aside from whatever guilt you feel. Straight up just say to your parents “I’m not going to do that” or if you’re comfy “I’ll help her if/when she actually needs it but I’m not going to “take care” of her when she can do it herself and chooses not to”. ETA: NTA
NTA. Your parents are being kinda assholes for putting you in a position where you will definitely feel like an asshole. But no – you are not at all obligated to take care of your sister after your parents pass.
You might do her a favor by seeming like the bigger asshole now by making that very clear to \*her\* now, while she still has some time to try to build her own life before the bottom drops out from under her.
NTA but maybe talk to your sister. If she is open to it she might welcome some help becoming something more then the stunted person your parents have raised. I mean she might also not want that at all, but I don’t think your parents are gonna change. There is still a chance for your sister.
NTA- it’s ok to set a boundary that you can can’t support her like a child. Just regular sisterly love . One thing I will say- It doesn’t matter if you were raised in the same household, your upbringing wasn’t the same. You likely got different versions of your parents and of life. Hence the big discrepancy of the outcomes of the two of you
Man, I thought she was going to be intellectually disabled or something.
NTA and don’t let yourself drown trying to keep her afloat.
You can’t be forced to take care of her so why worry?
NTA. She doesn’t have a diagnosis or guardian. She was babied, coddled, and enabled into helplessness. Nothing for you to do.
NTA
NTA. Your parents are. She’s their kid and their problem. I just don’t understand how shared DNA makes people think they have to set themselves on fire to keep family warm.
I am living the aftermath of a parent not putting the money in a trust. My sibling received a large sum of money all at once and has squandered all of it. I dont even know what they have to show for it and now their life is falling apart while they are living in my house.
I feel so much anger toward my deceased parent who refused to listen. My sibling would have been fine with a monthly stipend and the rest of the money sitting in an investment account growing dividends for the rest of their life.