I (28F) invited my sister (33F) to move in with me a couple of months ago. She needed a safe place to land so she could break up with her awful boyfriend (44M), who she was living with for several years, and I was living in a 2 bed 2 bath apartment by myself. I specifically chose a 2 bed apartment so that I could have an office/craft room and I have worked really hard to get to a point where this is something I can afford on my own. However, I was happy to shift my priorities for a family member in need.
Here’s the issue though; my sister moved in but did NOT break up with her boyfriend. I thought at first that maybe she needed some space to realize how unhappy he made her and she would get around to breaking it off with him. However, it’s been almost three months and she spends all her time either in her room on the phone with him, at his place, or texting with him when I’m trying to talk to/spend time with her. She also had a habit of just showing up with him without talking to me about it, despite requesting that we both adhere to a 24 hour notice for guests that aren’t immediate family. Thankfully, she’s stopped doing that, but I’m still feeling taken advantage of. The rest of the apartment is cluttered with all the stuff I had in the office/craft room, I’m paying all the bills, I’m doing most the chores, and she doesn’t "need" to be living here, she just wants to have her own space to run away to and whatever "benefits" of her boyfriend.
WIBTA if I let her know that it’s time to either break up with her boyfriend or move back in with him? I don’t want to dictate the life of a woman in her 30s, but at this point I’m getting a little resentful. Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) in our family has been telling me since she moved in and stayed with her boyfriend that this is BS and I need to put my foot down but I just feel really guilty. Especially since I let it go on for so long… Would love to hear some non-biased thoughts.
ETA: Sister is disabled and cannot safely live alone and cannot afford to rent her own place or really pitch in reliably. Hence the idea that she needs to live with me or with him. I’m happy to help family in need, but she is not currently in need since boyfriend is still an option..
NTA
But you should check your lease. Most landlords don’t allow guests to live there consecutively after a set number of days. A guest is any adult not on the lease. You could be in violation of your lease and that is grounds for eviction.
I think you’re missing the point here. In fact, yes YWBTA if you said exactly what you’re suggesting. Her love life, crappy though it may be, is not your business. But the point here is that you want her out, so just tell her she has to move out. Whom you allow to live in your house, and for how long, is 100% your business. “Sorry, this was supposed to be a temporary arrangement, I can’t have you living here permanently, I need my space back.” No need to mention the BF at all.
NTA.
She’s taking advantage of you and she’s old enough to figure out accommodation herself.
However I wouldn’t phrase it like that, I would simply say it’s time for her to move out, she had time to save up for her own rental and you want your space back. No condition ala “break up or move back with him”. Give her a certain time frame to find somewhere to stay (A date she needs to be out).
If she whines or tries to guilt trip you remind her the reason she moved in with you obviously no longer is exists since they’re still together.
If you want to, you could offer to try to help her find her own space to rent.
Tell her the arrangement is not working for you. That’s all you have to say. She is obviously not going to break up with him – she prefers the drama. So don’t even make that a possibility.
NTA
Did your sister agree to this plan before moving in, or was it just you?
She asked me if she could move in so she could break up with her boyfriend. The first time she visited my apartment she joked that “This will be my room when I finally leave J”. This was her, 100%
NTA –
Tell her to pack her stuff and leave, because clearly she’s not avoiding him and doesn’t need to be there.
Your sister is taking a merry advantage of you because you allow her to do so. Why would she move out, you are paying the bills and the chores. She is a grown up and her rubbish choices are her’s to make.
Why on earth would you pamper a 33 year old woman in this way?
NTA–you’ve not obliged to support your sister in perpetuity, especially when the “emergency” you were trying to help with turned out not to be an emergency at all. Explain that she either has to kick in half the expenses starting at the top of the month and/or tell her she’s got to move out. My guess is that the end of the free ride would mean the end of the roommate situation anyway. Sorry she’s still with the toxic BF, but you can’t make her quit him, and you went above and beyond to help.
YWNBTA for asking her to leave. The reason she moved in was to get away from her boyfriend. She has chosen not to leave him and thus does not need your hospitality. However, as many other commenters have mentioned, it would be unfair to just throw her out. Let her know that you took her in under the assumption that she would saving up for her own place and it has been long enough. Where she goes is not your business, but go she must. Give her a formal notice of eviction because she may be a resident by now depending on your area. That gives her the 30 days or so to find other accommodations. Don’t give her the option to stay if she breaks up, because she will string you along.
NTA. She’s taking advantage of you. She’s not paying bills and she’s not breaking off the relationship. Whatever he was doing that was so horrible, she’s still going back to it. Give her the ultimatum and stand by it.
She is probably trauma bonded
Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf#page219
NTA. She used you as an escape. Let her live elsewhere. She should never be allowed to bring him into your home. You can’t tell her to break up but you can tell her to leave. If she can’t live alone then she should go to an assisted living facility or another relative. Not on you