AITA for telling my friend to get her shit together?
I 20 (f) and my friend 24 (f) have been friends for coming up on a year. We met in college and got pretty tight about a semester in. We started FaceTiming everyday and hanging out often outside of school. In our third semester I got a job at the college. It’s a very busy job and takes a lot out of me, and I am considering applying for valedictorian so I am working hard. Through this stress and hard work I have been noticing that she hasn’t been moving along with life at the same pace as me and as a result we have been growing apart. When she realized this she doubled down and started to get very overbearing. This made me less inclined to spend time with her as I am already tired offend because of my busy schedule.
She doesn’t really take school seriously and her mental health is in decline. I feel sorry for her that she is struggling but after she got fired from her job and her placement for school for not showing up, I grew tired of her complaining so much and not doing anything to help herself. Eventually I messaged her telling her that she needs to get her shit together and that it’s hard to watch her spiral into self destruction the way she has been. I said I care about her but I am frustrated that she is complaining so often when I have pointed her towards resources to help with her problems. I was a bit harsh but I truly thought she needed to hear that from a friend. She then got really mad at me and told me that she didn’t need tough love and that I was being insensitive towards her mental health.
She is now complaining to our friends about how I was mean to her and I feel like I may have been too harsh. I have struggled with mental health also and I wish I had a friend to tell me the truth at the time but maybe I shouldn’t have said anything. Am I the asshole?
NTA. You have to put yourself and your future first.
NTA. I have been in similar situations and I have tried to help my friends when they’re in these kinds of situations. Often times telling them to get it together in some capacity is a wakeup call, but sometimes they keep spiralling. You are allowed to distance yourself bc thats what is sometimes needed, just keep the door open for her to reach out if she needs help !!
Did you have a previous conversation with her about you giving advice and resources and she not using them? Did you tell her that her lack of accountability is causing a strain on your friendship? If you had previous talks about this and there was no change, then I would say NTA but if you just came out the gate saying GYST, then that’s pretty crappy,
NTA. You acted as a friend, not trying to be mean, not an asshole. Your comment was well-intended, meant as a favor you wish someone had done for you. She says she doesn’t need tough love, but it sure sound like she does. “You have to get your shit together” can be tough to hear, but sometimes it’s what you need.
NTA She’s upset because you didn’t tell her what she wanted to be told.
NTA.
However, I guess you can say that, depending on how you view the story, there may be more to it, as one can never tell from the other’s perspective.
From your perspective, I see that you approached it respectfully. You approached her from a caring side and told her how you feel, how much you care, and what resources she can get. Although some people do things differently, and while some people need to vent before taking action. Or how you do things is not how she does things.
I was in a similar situation to yours. I ended up getting my master’s, and my best friend dropped out of college and took out a loan for a technical school. TLDR some financial planning I did not agree with. I told her how I felt and told her I was worried. She told me her own plans and goals, and although I didn’t quite agree with them. She is doing well, and I continue to support her when she needs it. We have this saying when we always vent. “Do you want advice or do you want me to listen?” and afterwards, that normally helps us take the stress off our shoulders and have fun and stay friends.
You did great expressing your concerns, but if she doesn’t want help (even after directing her to resources), then you can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink.
You did what you could. If you still like hanging out with her, but don’t like listening to her complaints. You can tell her that without sounding too harsh. You mentioned that she is now complaining to your mutual friends. If you want, you could confront her again. Apologize that you hurt her feelings, but you wanted the best for her, and see where it goes.
But I seriously believe you’re NTA. You’re a good friend for looking out for her. Wishing you guys the best!
P.s. “When she realized this, she doubled down and started to get very overbearing. This made me less inclined to spend time with her as I am already tired offend because of my busy schedule.” In addition to this. I like to give ppl the benefit of the doubt. She may seem overbearing bc she misses hanging out with you. But if she knows your busy schedule and you talked it to her. As a friend, she should be respectful of your time as well.
Again, good luck! 🙂 Hope you succeed as valedictorian. You sound like you’re doing well. Keep it up! Make sure not to burn yourself out too much as well.
Edit: NTA based on clarifying comments, your “friend” is not treating you with respect and it’s time to move on.
Original Comment:
YTA imo, it came from a good place I think but everyone handles mental health issues differently.
Therefore it’s also different for everyone what kind of support they need and what words are helpful or harmful. “Tough love” definetly doesn’t help everyone at all times, even if you experienced similar situations and it would have for you.
It’s valid that you feel frustrated, especially since you are stressed out already, and you obviously want her to get better. But it’s tougher than it seems.
She’s probably even more frustrated with herself already and tired, she might lack the energy to use those ressources you pointed her towards. Personally when I was at my lowest I didnt have the energy to make appointments. And it made me feel like even more of a failure.
I think if a friend whom I cared about would then approach me with tough love like this it would break me more than anything. I would feel more frustrated than before, like a loser, and at the same time I would be angry at that friend for making my suffering about herself basically.
If you wanna try and fix this you should apologize to her sincerely, without trying to make yourself look better.
Tell her that you thought about your words and realized that, even though you meant well, it hurt her more than it helped and that you are sorry. You can tell her that you were stressed out lately but that you shouldnt have taken it out on her.
Tell her if there’s anything you can help with, like making or going to appointments with her (at least if you have the energy for that and want to), that you would gladly help.
Tell her that you understand if she doesn’t wanna forgive you (since she isn’t obligated to) but that you still hope she will get better.
These things take time, the last thing she needs is someone pressuring her and making her feel more miserable. Of course I don’t know her and I’m making many assumptions here based on personal experience, so some parts might be inaccurate, but at least I’m giving everyone here the benefit of a doubt.
Yeah, I guess tough love isn’t for everyone. I can confidently tell you that I wasn’t making her mental health struggles about me. I think our whole friendship was about her from the beginning. And that really started to wear me down. I can recall an instance where I felt guilty because I had been so busy that I hadn’t hung out with her in a couple weeks, so I told her I would go out with her and her brother who was visiting, I thought we were going to a bar but we ended up at one of her brother’s friends houses and she got really drunk and emotional. I kept trying to leave because her brother and his friends were in their 30’s and I felt awkward being there but she begged me to stay. She told me we were gonna go to bar so I went along and they brought us to a strip club. I left shortly after we got there. I guess I have just felt disrespected and put in uncomfortable situations by her because she has been spiralling. Her own issues are her own issues but it really started to effect me and I don’t know how to care about her and be her friend when I don’t even know if she really cares about what happens to me.
Oh man, I’m chainging it to NTA.
Ignore my prior advise, this doesn’t seem like a friendship worth investing more mental energy in. She might not mean to stress you out but doesn’t seem to value your boundaries either.
I’ve had to cut off someone like this before too and I felt guilty about it but if it’s at the expense of your well-being than maybe it’s time to move on 🙁
I hope she gets better some day but it’s not your responsibility, you really tried but she doesnt value you nearly enough.
Yeah unfortunately I have countless stories like that one. I talked to my parents about it and of course they always tell me I need to get out of the relationship and prioritize myself and my career and my education, it’s just hard though because I truly believe she has a good heart. I just think she is a very damaged person and it has given her almost tunnel vision and she doesn’t see how she is effecting others. But still, it’s hard to let go
I actually said something pretty similar to you in another comment, and I really agree with a lot of what you wrote. I also picked up on some signs that reminded me a lot of what I went through. In my case I pushed away a lot of people who were genuinely worried about me. They reached out, tried to help, and I would lash out or shut them down, then a bit later I would just be angry at myself for reacting that way and sink even deeper. There were days I literally could not get out of bed, I would just lie there for hours staring at the ceiling, not showering, not eating properly, not doing basic things. I ended up flunking a bunch of courses not because I did not care, but because I genuinely did not have the energy to attend or study. From the outside I am sure it looked like I was lazy or not trying, but inside it felt like I was stuck under a ton of bricks.
That is why I also tend to give the “benefit of the doubt” like you did. Tough love might make sense in theory, but depending on where someone is mentally, it can just feel like one more confirmation that they are a failure and a burden. What you said about not having the energy to even make appointments really resonated with me, because that was exactly my reality for a long time. I am finally getting help now and I am a little better than I was, and reading your comment honestly made me feel seen. I hope you are doing better too, or at least have some support around you, because it is rough and people often underestimate how heavy that kind of exhaustion really is.
NTA, but I still want to add a different angle based on my own experience, because a lot of what you described in your friend hit really close to home for me. When I read your post, my first thought was that she might actually be depressed. Not just “sad and unmotivated” in the casual sense, but the kind of depression that quietly eats your life from the inside while everyone around you just sees laziness, irresponsibility or not caring.
A few years ago I went through something very similar. My dad died from COVID, I had to pause my degree to deal with everything related to that, and on top of it my mom has schizoaffective disorder. Between me and my sister, who was already working and living with her boyfriend, I ended up being the one who stayed and took care of my mom. From the outside it probably looked like I was just failing at life. There were days when I literally woke up and just stayed in bed staring at the ceiling for a couple of hours because my brain and body refused to move. I was not going out, I was not keeping up with my classes, I flunked several courses simply because I could not bring myself to attend them or study. It was not that I did not care. I cared a lot and felt guilty all the time. But wanting to do better and actually having the mental energy to do something about it are two completely different things when you are deep in that hole.
That is something people who have never been there do not always see. From the outside it becomes “she does not take school seriously”, “she does not show up to work”, “she keeps complaining but does nothing to change it”. From the inside it looks much more like “I know I am messing everything up and I hate myself for it, but I cannot even make myself shower, much less fix my entire life right now”, or “every time I think about what I should be doing, I get so overwhelmed that I shut down even more”, or “I am terrified everyone is disappointed in me, so I cling harder to the few people I still feel close to”.
You mentioned that when she realized you were drifting apart, she became more overbearing. That is also very compatible with depression: when you feel like your life is falling apart, you cling to whatever still feels safe and familiar, even if it ends up suffocating the other person. It does not make it fair to you, but it does make it easier to understand why she is acting that way.
You also said you have struggled with mental health yourself and wished you had someone to give you the hard truth. I relate to that. I used to think I needed someone to shake me and tell me to get my act together. But one thing I learned the hard way is that not everyone responds well to “tough love” when they are in that state. When I was at my worst, if someone had told me to get my shit together, I probably would have reacted defensively, snapped at them or pulled away, and then later spent hours feeling guilty because deep down I agreed with what they said. That is another charming feature of depression: you can be angry at the person calling you out and at the same time furious at yourself for being exactly what they are describing.
So I do not think you are an asshole for what you said. You are exhausted, you have a heavy schedule, a demanding job, and big goals like aiming for valedictorian. You are allowed to feel overwhelmed and to not want to be the person who absorbs constant complaints without seeing any change. You even went as far as pointing her toward resources and trying to help, which is more than many people would do. You set a boundary and that is valid. Where things may have gone wrong is in how the message landed. “Get your shit together” might be exactly what you would have needed to hear, but to someone who is already drowning, it can sound like “you are failing at being a person and I am sick of watching you fail,” even if that is not what you meant.
If she really is dealing with depression, which only a professional can say for sure, but the things you described do match a lot of the signs I went through, like losing a job and a placement for not showing up, mental health getting worse, becoming clingy, spiraling, then her reaction to your message fits that pattern too. Anger, feeling misunderstood, venting to other people about how “mean” you were. None of that makes you a villain, it just shows that both of you are at your limit in different ways.
If you still care about the friendship and feel like you have some emotional bandwidth left, you could try to clarify your position without abandoning your boundaries. Something like: you are not apologizing for having limits, but you are explaining that what you said came from worry and frustration, not contempt. You could tell her that it hurts to watch her self destruct and that you lashed out because you feel helpless, not because you think she is worthless or lazy. You can acknowledge that her mental health is serious while also saying that you cannot be her therapist, especially with how busy and stressed you are. And if it feels right, you can gently encourage her to seek professional help instead of just venting to friends who do not have the tools to actually treat what is going on.
For example, you might say something like: “I am sorry for how harsh my message sounded. I was not trying to dismiss what you are going through. I have been in a bad place before too, and a lot of what you are living reminds me of that. It is hard to watch and I reacted badly because I care and I am stressed, not because I think you are a lost cause. I need boundaries because my plate is full, but I do want you to get proper help and not just feel attacked.”
In the end, I do not see you as the asshole. I see you as a stressed 20 year old who tried to do the “tough love friend” thing in a situation that may actually need a mix of concern, clear boundaries and professional support. Your frustration is valid and your limits are valid, and at the same time, your friend’s behavior might be coming from a place of genuine illness rather than just immaturity or not caring. Both of those things can be true at once.
Soft Yta. You got frustrated & maybe emotionally drained listening/watching her. Regardless if you don’t have anything nice to say, keep your mouth closed – you don’t get to decide that you know tough love might help. You could have simply said — you seem to be overwhelmed I think you should talk to a professional bc I don’t know what you want or need from me, and it’s overwhelming me to hear & watch this behavior. That gives you boundaries that you can no longer listen to this 24/7 + empathy