Today I finally set a boundary with my husband and now I’m sitting here feeling bad for doing it.
Basically he keeps messaging people in his network about my job search without asking me. Like sending out my info and saying I’m looking for work. He even reached out to ppl in his mom’s circle (I am no contact with his parents). I never asked him to do that. I know he thinks he’s helping, but it makes me super uncomfortable.
I sent him a message saying something like “I appreciate the help but please don’t share my personal job search stuff with people without asking me first. If I want help from someone in your network I’ll let you know, just please stop doing that going forward.”
To me it was respectful. He read it and instead of saying okay he got defensive and said “well everyone I already sent it to already saw it.” I told him that wasn’t the point, I just need it to stop from now on.
Then he said something like “do whatever you want, rent is due” grabbed his keys and left. So now I’m feeling guilty and anxious like somehow I screwed up by saying anything??
For context: we are okay financially for the next little bit because I’m on EI and have a severance. I’m stressing about money too, but I’m also being intentional about the kind of role I want. I don’t just want to panic-grab any job that will burn me out again.
It’s not that I don’t want support. I just want autonomy over my career and who gets to know my personal information.
So yeah, AITA for telling my husband to stop sharing my job search details without my consent?
Edit/Update:
Just to clarify since a lot of people are asking why I texted instead of talking face-to-face:
I did try to talk to him verbally first — more than once. Every time I brought up that I was uncomfortable with him sharing my job search details without asking me, he brushed it off and said things like “you’re not used to networking” and “you need to get the word out.” So texting wasn’t my first option. It was what I did after feeling like I wasn’t being heard.
When I sent the message, I was upstairs with our baby and he was downstairs. I honestly needed space because I could feel myself getting frustrated, and I didn’t want it to turn into an argument or happen in front of our child. Texting gave both of us room to process instead of reacting defensively in the moment.
And I’ll be honest — when he first responded with “well everyone’s already seen it,” and got defensive, it made me feel like I was overreacting just for setting a boundary. That’s part of why I came here. I needed to vent because it’s a really awful feeling to communicate a need respectfully and then feel dismissed for it.
The boundary wasn’t about rejecting support — it was about not wanting my personal career situation shared without my consent. After he came home later, we did talk in person and he did acknowledge that he meant well but got pushy and should have asked before sending messages about me.
So it wasn’t avoidance. It was me trying to communicate clearly without escalating, and then processing the hurt of feeling brushed off.
NTA
ESH. You deserve the right to some dignity, not having your joblessness broadcasted to every single person that you know. But it sounds like your husband is concerned about your financial state, and instead of addressing that, you’re justifying being picky about your job search. Sit down with your husband and talk about your actual financial concerns. Have a plan for what happens when that severance runs out and you don’t have a job lined up.
Mild esh. Your phrasing of ” if I want your help, I’ll ask for it” is gonna come off bad No matter the context
INFO
Why are you messaging your husband? Are you both deaf mutes? This is obviously something to discuss in person.
ESH. He shouldn’t overshare, and you need to communicate better.
She did communicate???
She apparently texted him *while he was in the house with her.*
ESH. Why don’t you all sit down as a COUPLE and figure out how long you can afford to not work. You both don’t seem to be on the same page here
NTA.
His response sucks as a human and as a partner.
NTA, but you’re a whisker away from E-S-H for the way you told him.
I too am very protective of my own privacy and careful what I share. I too would be annoyed in your situation, especially if the information was specifically going to (or via) people I am NC with. You don’t say why you’re NC with his parents, but I’m assuming your relationship with them is not good and you would prefer not to have them know your business.
Having said that… I cannot for the life of me understand why you MESSAGED this info to your husband. Especially because In the next breath, you said he “grabbed his keys and left”.
Were you both at home when you sent him this message? If so, why in heaven’s name did you not just TALK to him?
If you were in different locations, and you left out the bit where he came home in the interim, it was still not a reason to text it to him.
This was always likely to be an awkward conversation. He was trying to help you find a job (and deserves credit for that), but he went about it in an insensitive manner (not asking you first and not being respectful of your privacy). You needed to convey clearly to him that he overstepped, while trying not to hurt his feelings more than absolutely necessary because his intentions were good.
Because this had all the potential to be an awkward conversation, it’s not a conversation you should even think about having via text. Text messages make it difficult to detect tone, and it’s very easy for messages to be interpreted as snarkier or angrier than the sender intended, if not downright rude.
If he was out of the house at the time and you didn’t want phone him and interrupt whatever he was doing, then you should have texted “Could you ring me as soon as you’re free? There’s something important we need to talk about.”
I’m going to vote NTA because you’re not the asshole for wanting to be in control of who gets your job-hunting information. He was definitely the asshole for way overstepping, and for getting all huffy when you told him to stop.
But you both need to learn to communicate better. If you make a habit of this sort of thing, you’ll be the asshole too.
NTA he didn’t even talk to you before doing it
ESH he is obviously the bigger one and overstepped by asking randoms for a job for you. But in these tough times (as he said..rent is due) can you really afford to be jobless and intentional about the type of job or whatever? Also he is your husband. I assume you share a house. Communicate like normals.
ESH if I am reading this correctly and there’s an issue between you and your husband that you’re so concerned enough about that you’re posting here and you’re MESSAGING one another instead of talking face to face. Srsly?