I am at my wits end with this issue. My husband is a dual US/Canadian citizen. I met him while he was working in the US and at the time we lived about 30 miles from my parents and sibling. We were in our early 30s and childless when his Mom died completely unexpectedly. He was on a trip when his sibling called me and I had to meet him at the airport to tell him the bad news
I immediately dropped everything and we went to Canada that night. My parents came to our house to get our dog, who they watched for the time we were gone and they sent flowers and stocked our fridge for when we returned.
None of my family had a passport and they didn’t come to the services. Everyone sent cards, and showed us support when we got home. My parents immediately got passports and have renewed them, so they will never be in that situation again. My sibling, spouse and their kids do not have passports and probably will not have them. We lived about an 8 hour drive or 2 flights and an hour drive from my husband’s family.
My husband and I are high earners while the rest o my family is more middle class. In the past 10 years since my MIL died we have had a child and traveled internationally many times a year. We have paid for my Mom to do some trips, but my Dad has little interest in traveling and my sibling and their family either don’t have interest and/or can’t afford it and don’t even take nearby domestic trips, let alone travel outside the country. My point is just that it’s not like this was outside their normal behavior or means.
My husband holds a grudge against everyone in my family. He frequently brings up to me how no one cared enough to come to his mom’s funeral. I don’t think they skipped it out of apathy, they have all told him that’s not the case. It’s been over ten years and I want to scream at him to move on, in fact I have. I know it was traumatic, but I think he’s wrong to blame my family for not coming. He keeps citing the fact everyone in his family did.., but those were her nieces and nephews? I mean that’s just different. We live near my family and can see them often. We continue to live where we do for HIS job. I’ll think we’ve moved on, but then there will be an incident, like discussing dates for Christmas, where the throws it out at me like a weapon.
My parents are both alive and well, so I’m not sure if I’m minimizing his feelings because haven’t been in that position.
(Outside of this we have a good relationship. I think he needs therapy, but he’s in a career where that could cause problems so he won’t get it.)
NTA. It’s kind of the same as when a couple having a destination wedding in another country gets upset that some people can’t come.
“My parents came to our house to get our dog, who they watched for the time we were gone and they sent flowers and stocked our fridge for when we returned.” The proper reaction from your husband should be gratitude. Getting your dog was great. Stocking your fridge? Incredibly thoughtful.
So NTA. This is honestly just super entitled of him.
NTA. They literally didn’t have passports, they couldn’t have come if they wanted to. This happened 10 years ago and he’s still obsessed about it? That is kinda nuts. Honestly when my father died it would not have occurred to me to expect my husband’s parents to travel to the funeral, even without the passport barrier.
Yes. Husband is being unreasonable a decade on. NTA.
If he felt that strogly he should have figured out how to sneak your family across the border. It sounds like he resents that you still have your family. Or else he just wants an excuse to belittle. He needs therapy.
NTA. Your family didn’t “no show” for your husband. When his mom died, your parents jumped up to watch your dog, sent flowers and stock your fridge. That’s their way of contributing and supporting your husband.
It’s not really your family‘s fault that they don’t have the vacation hours and money to travel internationally for the funeral of someone they’re not even directly related to. The fact that your husband even expects this is so entitled and rude. Did he want them skip a mortgage payment or max out a credit card so they could go to his mom’s funeral?!?! Jesus. The amount of entitlement your husband has is astounding. Since they couldn’t physically be there they called and sent cards. THAT IS THOUGHTFUL. I would bet money this is not the only time and situation that your husband has been incredibly selfish.
Showing up for someone and showing support doesn’t always mean being physically present. Your husband is an unappreciative entitled judgmental jackass.
Did OP say that the parents and sibling /family did not have passports to travel? They could not go. Based on this alone I don’t understand why he is angry. NTA
He thinks they should’ve had them and if they didn’t they should’ve expedited them. I don’t think he truly believes that, but when he’s angry he does.
It’s still unrealistic depending on how quickly services were happening and don’t know if expedited passports would have been received in the time frame needed. Passports are only valid for a specific number of years so if they were never going to be used again and they are not cheap to purchase still NTA. Parents have supported husband in other loving ways
An expedited passport takes 2-3 weeks instead of the standard 6. How would that have helped?
NTA. “None of my family had a passport…” Isn’t that the perfectly valid reason?
He thinks they should’ve always maintain one if they have family in another country… but I mean it’s not their family. At the time we’d also only been together for a few years and our parents had met once or twice outside our wedding.
Yeah NTA. He’s not being reasonable and he’s weaponizing something in a completely unfair way. It sounds like your family was very supportive and kind to him in the aftermath of his mom’s death. His behavior surrounding this is unacceptable?
NTA-
“My parents came to our house to get our dog, who they watched for the time we were gone and they sent flowers and stocked our fridge for when we returned.”
They don’t have passports, they immediately provided you with actual support in your time of need. They clearly were not apathetic.
Unless your parents were local to your in-laws I would not have expected them to go even if they had passports. It would have been exceptionally generous. She was not their family. Obviously her niece or nephew would be more likely to attend.
I agree with the therapy suggestion. He clearly has some things he needs to work through that are bugging him. His arguments are irrational which he’s grieving so it’s understandable but it’s not ok to keep bringing this up to you. You and your family did nothing wrong.