So I (26F) have a toddler with my ex. Our co-parenting has been rocky from the start because he’s extremely inconsistent. He’ll go months without seeing her, then suddenly want to be involved, then disappear again. For almost two years it’s basically just been me doing everything alone. Shortly after finding out I was pregnant he decided to get his new girlfriend pregnant because she was upset that he was having a baby with me.
Recently, after not seeing the baby for months, he asked if he could come to her daycare field trip to see her for about 1–2 hours. I agreed because I genuinely want her to have a relationship with her dad if he’s going to show up consistently and not just when it’s convenient.
But then, last minute, he said he wanted to bring his younger child with him due to conveniently no longer having a babysitter, we’re four days out from the field trip btw.
I told him I didn’t think it was appropriate for him to bring another child not because anything is wrong with the other kid, but because this visit should be about reconnecting with the baby, especially since he’s been absent. It’s already a limited amount of time, and a daycare environment with multiple kids is chaotic enough. Adding his other child feels like yet another distraction that takes the focus off rebuilding that bond.
not to mention, my daughter is never included in plans with his other child. There was a huge fight to have the new child at her first birthday party and I agreed for the peace he ended up spending the entire party, consoling the baby and left early…. for the babies’s first birthday, our child was not invited. There has been consistent plans made on holidays that do not include our child. He gets one on one time with the other child 24/7 and as I said before, doesn’t see our child consistently at all. I’m just trying to set boundaries that make sense and protect our child emotionally.
Now I’m wondering if I handled it wrong.AITA for not saying yes to his other child attending?
Question; is the alternative he doesn’t attend?
her father reached out to me and asked if he could attend so that he could have one on one time with her. It’s been months… I was informed today he may not be able to attend if he’s not allowed to bring the other child. I don’t have an issue with the child coming, but I am frustrated because this is repeated behavior, but if my child ever needs to be with him during an event for his other child, it’s always a no we’re sneakiness to not include our child
I think the question is more if you say no, this date doesn’t work because of the change in circumstance (needing to bring the other kid), has he provided an alternative time/place/event/activity?
Coming from a preschool teacher and former day care owner, her daycare or preschool may not allow a different child to come along on the field trip if it were a sibling that lived in the home it wouldn’t be a problem but for it to be a half sibling that is never around it could be a problem.
NTA. He needs to spend time with his daughter 1 on 1 to develop a relationship. Unill he understands this, I would not encourage a relationship. Please set this boundary.
NTA
Stop negotiating visitation and let him go to court like an adult. If he genuinely wants to take responsibility he will. He doesnt get to be in inconsistent. He doesnt get to disappear and pop up when he feels like it. Its not on you to be a father for him. He can file or he can f off. He’ll never ever be a dad if you let him off the hook. As for him dragging another kid to a daycare they dont go to… I don’t know the daycare rules. Either way make it so the two of you dont have to work this out between you. Thays a no no. That just allows him to continue to be a deadbeat.
Exactly what I came to the comments to say, but you expressed it much more eloquently.
NTA
It appears that your child with your ex is not a priority for him. The fact that he got his girlfriend pregnant because she was jealous of his child that was not evevn born yet tells you all you need to know.
If he continues to be inconsistent, just let it go and file for child support if you haven’t already. Him darting in and out of your daughter’s life and constantly breaking promises to her, alongside the obvious favoritism for his second daughter, can do irreparable damage. It’s best she not be exposed to him at all.
INFO: what does the daycare think about him and the other child attending? Are they even allowed?
I hope you have a child support order in place. And either go to court to get an actual custody order or stop letting him just walk in and out of your daughter’s life whenever it’s convenient for him. Now that she’s getting older you are allowing him to harm her. It’s time you accept that he may never have a real relationship with your daughter in order to protect her from the harm that his revolving door behaviour will cause in the long run.
NTA for the field trip thing but you’re TA for allowing this man to come in and out of your daughters life. You both deserve consistency and stability and it seems he has repeatedly shown you that he cannot provide that.
As a child whose sperm donor pulled this shit, stop it now. If he actually wants a relationship with her, make him go the legal route so he doesn’t mess up your kid. Stop letting him do this. Put her first, and having a father who flits in and out of her life whenever the muse takes him is not putting her first.
Is it normal for random non-enrolled kids to go on field trips in the US?
In Australia this wouldn’t even be a question.
The enrolled kids are insured by the pre-school. Some random kids isnt. So it would be a resounding no for legal and safety reasons.
This isnt a play date at the park…this is an educational event for kids who are pupils of the school.
Besides all that – cut him off. He doesn’t care for your child and never will.
Hes a deadbeat loser.
Take him to court for child support but otherwise drop him from her life. He has proven he doesn’t actually care to be in it.
He doesn’t really care about the kid you popped out for him.
He’s just a baby daddy, not a husband. Just lean into single mom life and go after him in court. You’re an adult, start acting like it.