I (18f) do not like physical contact or hugs, especially if I feel like I am being forced to do so.
Today, I became a member of our church. We’ve been going here for 3-4 years at this point, my Mom, Dad, and older sister are members too. So this morning, they had us come up on stage to recognize all of us new members. We also did baptism. One of the people that was baptized was my boss’s son. My boss, Nancy (late 60’s), doesn’t come to our church, but came today for her son.
I’m not particularly fond of Nancy. She’s a very negative person. She talks constantly about the customers, (she owns a small diner), whether they’re inside or not. As soon as she turns around from taking orders, her smile drops, and she looks annoyed or disgusted. Once, a telemarketer had called us, and he had asked for my boss, so I gave her the phone. At first, I didn’t think anything of it, because there are people that live in our village that have accents. My own family, who are originally from Texas, have accents, so I didn’t want to immediately think that it was a telemarketer.
My boss answered the phone, with a disgusted look on her face, and immediately started to yell very nastily, “stop, stop, stop. I’m very happy with my insurance, I’m not looking to change it, so please take me off your call list.” And the moment she hung up the phone, she said, “and speak English”, then started laughing. She looked up at me like she thought that I would laugh too, but I was honestly disgusted. I get that telemarketers can be frustrating, but honestly, I feel like there was no reason for that remark.
But on the real story. After church today, my boss walked up to me, and said, “I didn’t know that today was a special day for you as well”, even though I had told her. She had walked up to me with her arms open, and it didn’t even register to me that she was trying to hug me. So I just kind of stood there, because my family and I were also trying to walk out the door. She hugged me, which was very awkward because I’m about two heads taller than her, and it was very uncomfortable. My mom immediately said, “oh she’s not a hugger.” And my boss let go, and was like, “oh I didn’t know.” I didn’t say much to her, just smiled and said goodbye and walked out.
On the way home, my dad says, “you know sometimes you just need to accept a hug from someone.” I told him, “no, I shouldn’t have to if I don’t want to.” My dad said, “yes, you should, it’s common courtesy to do that.” I told him, “well it’s also common courtesy to not just walk up and hug people.” My dad started to stutter over his words and then said, “no it’s not.” So I asked him, “it’s not common courtesy to not walk up and hug somebody?” And my dad, who can never admit when he’s wrong or apologize, and always has to be right, no matter how stupid the point is, said “no it’s not.”
I don’t believe that I’m the asshole, but it’s just frustrating so I wanted to get an outside opinion.
NTA, you’re more right. People should ask for consent before hugging other people.
But your dad somewhat has a point because this is your boss. Sometimes when your boss is rude, you put up with that in order to keep your job.
(However, if it was some other random adult, your dad probably would have said the same thing, and would have been totally wrong.)
Well, she can’t exactly fire me. I’m not saying this as an excuse to act a certain way, but I’m literally the only employee she has because she can’t get anyone else to come in when she’s looking for help. She also makes fun of me constantly for not being able to add up ten big numbers in my head and makes jabs at me for how quiet I am. And I honestly don’t care about keeping my job. I hate being like this, but I don’t like to be around her. I don’t feel comfortable around her. And my Dad would have said the same thing had it been anyone else, because he thinks I just need to get over why I don’t like physical contact and just be a doormat for people, which include him
If you don’t already have a plan to get out of that house and into a healthier job, you should start making one.
Having to physically touch someone for no agreed upon job-related reason in any way to keep a job is utterly unnecessary and not even legal.\
A boss cannot be entitled to their employee’s hugs. Gross\
I understand you mean the obligation exists in spirit, but that is so disturbing and not a mentality we should encourage in society. Imo, If a boss has such expectations, I’d encourage their employees to quit rather than acquiesce.\
OP’s dad has ego issues. OP did nothing wrong.\
Nobody owes anybody physical contact and if they feel socially pressured, they’re not in the wrong for refusing. That’s literally coercion and it’s disturbing to encourage “oh just do it” sentiments, even if the boss is the nicest person on the planet
NTA.
Nta, you have boundaries your dad would rather make you uncomfortable than someone else. I’m not a hugger, i hate it but I’m a terrible people pleaser and don’t have the guts to say anything and mostly just freeze, it’s a physical reaction you can’t help. It’s polite to ask, “can I hug you”. Hope things aren’t awkward for you at work.
NTA. You don’t owe anyone a hug. Physical contact requires consent, even from a boss or older adult. Your dad is wrong, it’s not rude to protect your boundaries, it’s rude to assume someone wants to be touched.
NTA. your dad doesn’t understand how many times women, especially young girls, are told to ‘suck up’ their discomfort for the sake of maintaining the peace. you deserve the right to your body, and that includes hugs.
You didn’t shove her off and said you smiled at her and said goodbye. You handled it appropriately.
(On another note – when I get hugged from people I’m not wanting one from I will tilt one shoulder and arm in to meet their chest so it becomes a one armed hug. Makes it more tolerable for me to keep that gap.)
Additionally men don’t get hugged as often. When I was young so many men I barely knew would attempt to hug me. It was creepy and I was uncomfortable. Even men who i’d made polite conversation with waiting for a train.
I can’t imagine OP’s dad would happily accept a hug from “sweaty Barry” because it’s the polite thing to do.
this! OP please know you aren’t alone in these experiences.
NTA and please get comfortable putting your hand out and saying “don’t touch me.”. You can add a please, but anyone rude enough to try touching you without consent deserves a blunt response IMO. And please leave the job asap. Staying in a dysfunctional workplace will seriously warp your sense of normal/acceptable workplace behavior. Took me a few years to fully reset my sense of normal after 9 years in one.
I’m with you, I am not a hugger and feel so uncomfortable when someone tries to hug me without asking me. My family were never huggers or consoled the kids or even told the kids they loved them. I find it so hard sometimes as I feel on the outside looking in when people around me are hugging and showing empathy, but I can’t change who I am and live with it. I actually had someone ask permission to give me a hug one day when I was quite upset and it was hard to say no. Your Dad obviously does not understand you and probably never will.
NTA.
It took me until my 20’s to tolerate the lightest hug, and even now, I have to be the one to initiate it.
NTA, and I taught my daughter to shake hands – (she hated unexpected hugs, not her thing at all). So someone approaches you, you can see they are going in for the hug, hand straight out, shake the hand and step back, make conversation. It gets the point across but is polite (which I get is more than some people deserve).
My cousin does not get that my daughter is NOT a hugger. She is friendly and polite and all that, but no hugging thank you. My cousin said “oh I know you aren’t a hugger but I want one anyway” and before I could intervene she had a hand in her stomach where my daughter had stuck her hand out for a shake. She then said “No thank you” and walked away. My cousin was gobsmacked but never did it again. It wasn’t like she didn’t know how my daughter felt about it.