Having disagreement with my wife.
Kid 1 – 19m saves money, and I’ve been teaching him about investing and he is very interested.
Kid 2 – 17m saves no money (from doing the exact same work, during the same time period), spends it all on his friends and despite my guidance cares little about saving or investing.
Kid 3 – 14f just started working this year, and has 7 times more money than Kid 2, which was a pleasant surprise to me the way she has taken responsibility, and has taken an interest in investing.
They have all held the exact same summer job, except Kid 1 is now old enough to legally work as an adult so he can work during the school year.
With Kid 1 I sold him a car for $5,000 which he paid for in cash (car was worth around $9k). I tried giving him my old stick shift, but he didn’t like it and wanted a bigger car. I let them make their decisions, so I sold him our other car. Well, that car had a major break down within 6 months of him giving us $5k. So in an effort to make things right, I bought it back from him, and we agreed to use it to put a down payment down on a Rav4. I also cover ½ the payment, but he pays insurance and 50% of the loan payment.
With Kid 3 we are looking to set up a child’s investment account, and I’ve also borrowed money from her and I am paying it back in interest, her bank account doesn’t have access to CDs or lightweight investments so I set up the Bank of Daddy and pay her interest.
With Kid 2 I’ve attempted to correct bad spending behaviors that he has. He has next to no money. I mean, they’ve all gotten the same talks, the same education, the same offer of help. But I don’t control what they actually do with their money. So he hangs out with friends and likes to throw money around. Which at his age isn’t a huge red flag for me, but it does limit what I can actually do with him right now, and at his age, Kid 1 had nearly $10k to his name.
My wife has noticed the dealings I’ve had with each kid, and somehow thinks I need to “correct” the situation so Kid 2 can feel more included. However, in my view I’m “doing” the exact same thing with them all. They’re all included, and only limited by their own decisions. He’s upset he doesn’t have money, but he also gets upset when I try to tell him why ordering $60 worth of Wendy’s for 2 people through Door Dash is a terrible idea.
I know there’s things I could do to "make him happy". But the most important part of financial education is teaching discipline. Which won’t be learned by bailing him out of his decisions.
NTA. This looks like really solid parenting. Hopefully kid 2 comes around. They’ll either get it eventually, or they’ll resent you and the rest of the family forever and blame you.
Obviously your kids aren’t clones even tho they’ve had the same home life
Are you making sure kid 2 has enough money sense to function as an adult? However he needs to be taught it, not necessarily what worked for your other 2.
NTA. You are doing everything exactly right. Imagine how unfair it would feel for the other two kids to sacrifice their immediate wants to save up and then have kid 2 essentially handed free money for being irresponsible. Kid 2 would be learning a horrible lesson that he doesn’t have to save or be fiscally responsible and he will still reap the same rewards as everyone else. Financial literacy is one of the most important skills we teach our kids and you are 100% right here.
NTA. Please keep treating your children the same and don’t reward poor decisions.
I think you need to spend MORE time with 2, but make it into a game.
Okay two,, you get x amount so you have to save x amount and you can spend the rest.
You’ll (as bank of Dad) help up to, I don’t know, 1 K, then you’ll sit down and talk about the stock market and let them pick 2 stocks by doing their own research (give them a list, don’t let them say BITCOIN!). Once they invest, point them on how to watch the stocks and set an alert for their stocks. But they HAVE to save, don’t give them an option here. Explain compound interest.
And once they blow their discretionary spending, that’s it they have to wait for their next paycheck. Sit them down and have them write down where they spent their money.
Also, drive them around and look at apartments and start a conversation about the future, how much the apts cost along with utilities, internet, parking, etc. They need to get their head out of the clouds for sure but more time, not less.
NTA. OP, you’re doing exactly right.
You’re allowing #2 to experience the consequences of his bad choices. If you go rescuing him now, you’re telling your more responsible children that consequences for actions matter except when it comes to their spendthrift brother.
Also, this is how entitled/enabling parent-child relationships start. You need to ask your wife why is it fair ‘to be nicer’ to #2 at the expense of #1 and #3. Maybe you need to create a more intense set of rules for #2 based on where he is now–he’s 17, not 7, closer to adulthood than childhood. He does need to be making better choices.
Make a rule that he has to save 15% of what he makes without spending it in a separate account but make it clear that he can either have money like his siblings or spend all he has on people who would never reciprocate. Make it plain to him this is how adult siblings often have such disparities of wealth and ask him how he will feel in 10 or 15 years if his siblings have much better lives and finances because they are willing to forego immediate gratification. I think you need to work a little more intensely with the financial education for #2 than you have with the others.
INFO: what exactly has your wife suggested in order to “correct” this situation? Surely if she thinks that correction is possible, she has suggestions on tactics.
Why are you borrowing money from a fourteen year old?
I’m not borrowing money from her in the traditional sense.
He’s doing it because she cannot invest for interest right now. He is being her interest bearing account.
NTA…You’re not obligated to bail Kid 2 out, but remain available and open-minded for when he does want to make some changes in his life. It’s the love and time you give your kids that’s important.
NTA. This is fantastic financial preparation for all 3 kids. Kid 2, in particular, is serving an excellent purpose without even meaning to. He’s providing Sibs 1 and 3 with a real world example right under the family roof of what happens when you slack off perpetually with your finances.
By the way, if Mom doesn’t like Kid 2’s flashiness with his money, what’s she doing about it? If she actively trying to turn him around or just sitting back and complaining without actually attempting to help?
NTA but the money isn’t the issue, it’s his desire to feel generous and important and needed/wanted by his friends. This IS a dangerous habit because it’s an emotional one that can really derail his life if it becomes a permanent coping mechanism. Forget the money for a minute. How do you address the underlying cause?
Nah your wife is right kinda but not thereason you think, you’re treating all your kids as the same person. 2 needs a different approach, their is something about them that do not work with your methods, you need to try a new approach, I have money issues myself and it turned out to be cause I have a chemical deficiency of serotonin and dopamine. Spend fixed it as it gives you a rush of those chemicals , as well i honestly thought I won’t make it to 23 so stuff like that never mattered to me. You need to spend time with him and understand him why he is spending. Only then can you figure it out, maybe he has high functioning depression that only visible in uncommon signs, maybe he has self image issues and feel like he has to spend to keep his social status or friends. Maybe he feel like he not going to make it any where, something is different and treating him like a failure is going to push him away and you will not find out why. If you want to help approach as find the reason why he seems to be unable to do the same, cause the way your talking your treating it like a moral failure or laziness or hedonism but their is a real reason something isn’t click