My grandparents had a big house. A few years before they died, they donated it to their 3 children. The donation was purposefully unbalanced to the benefit of Marie, who lived all her life in that house and had been taking care of her parents for years. My father, Thomas, accepted the principle of an unbalanced donation, but he refused to renounce his reserved portion of his parents’ inheritance (in French law). He warned profusely that their part of the family basically couldn’t afford the house over the long term: it’s big and quite poorly maintained. In practice, it meant that Marie paid my father approximately 100K for a house that was worth 700 or 800K. The third brother, Alain, didn’t ask payment from his sister, even though the payment was due by law. From that moment on, my father became some kind of monster in his siblings’ eyes, even more so because he was the richest of all three siblings. He had his faults: he got further away from his aging parents. Though it was difficult to go to that house and get dissed constantly by Marie, Alain, Marie’s son Arnold and both my grandparents. His siblings then held him responsible for his parents’ decline and death (though they were over 90).
One year ago, my father was diagnosed with lung cancer. He never had a chance. He lived for 6 months. He told his siblings what he had. Before they came to see him, it took a phone call from me to tell them he had weeks left at best, which proved true. They all came once or twice. They came to the funeral. My uncle left early: he had a long drive, so he said.
Now, 6 months later, I’m getting an email from my uncle Alain. He asks if I can loan money to my cousin Arnold, who needs to fix the roof of the house and cannot afford it. My cousin is a GP and will earn a good living from now on, but he has nothing in the bank. His mother Marie still owns the house, but she absolutely cannot afford the cost and the upkeep.
I’m kind of shocked by this demand. Am I supposed to contribute financially to the upkeep of a house that led to this situation in which his siblings basically let my father die without checking on him? Their late-time visits don’t count, in my eyes. A loan won’t protect me: what if he doesn’t repay me? The same toxic dynamic all over again.
I’m strongly considering refusing that call for help. I may consider helping out my cousin, which I kind of life despite the fact that he also hated my dad and barely visited, in case he wants to start his own medical practice. I’m in a comfortable financial situation and he’s not. But I must add that if that branch of the family has no money, it’s because of their poor choices (keeping a house they can’t afford) and also poor management of their own money and the grandparents’ money. My aunt built her own apartment inside the house with her parents’ money – but didn’t bother fixing the roof, apparently. For all those reasons I refuse to give or even lend money for that house. Am I the asshole?
NTA. That branch of the family overextendrd themselves to keep a house. You are not responsible for their choices.
NTA… do not help your cousin, they want the house, they can go to the bank for loan or something. You don’t owe them anything mon ami. and quite frankly you should tell them that.
NTA
You’re not obligated to help the favorites maintain their inheritance.
NTA. Unless your father left a will that specified he will help out with the maintenance costs on the house – you owe them nothing.
Technical NTA – what happened with your aunt, uncle and father in how your grandparents dispersed their wealth has nothing to do with you or your finances. Alain, Marie and Arnold are all adults and they can borrow money or make the necessary arrangements available to them in your country (France I believe) to re-roof the house.
Their house is not your responsibility. Banks exist. NTA.
DO NOT LOAN FAMILY MONEY. YOU WILL NOT GET IT BACK.
Suggest they go to a bank and get a loan because you are not a bank.
NTA.
NTA, Practice saying ‘that won’t be possible’. Never use the word sorry in a conversation about why not. And do not Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. You don’t owe anyone that.
Sorry about your Dad.
NTA it’s their house, their responsibility. If you want to preserve their feelings say that you can’t, no need to give details beside that you have your own debts to handle.
BTW, your father was absolutely right to claim his due, don’t feel guilty, you don’t have to pay anything back.
NTA. Just tell them no, they can take out a loan for the repairs on THEIR home.
NTA, don’t loan family money, especially when the family is terrible with financial responsibility.
Banks are there for these situations, let the banks handle the loan for the repairs.
NTA. Simply tell them that you do not have the money. They are the owners, they are responsible for repairs. Unless you inherited your father’s portion of the house, you have no obligations. Even if you did, you are not responsible to pay for the full amount of the roof. Never loan family money. You will never get it back. Let your relatives go to the bank for a loan. They own a house, that is plenty of collateral for a bank.
Tell them you spent all your money and are in dire financial issues. Ask them to borrow $50k. See if they will be willing to take out a loan on the property.
They wills say “NO.” This is exactly what you want. You asking turns the table on them, it gets them off your back and forces them off any moral stance of family helping family- since they just turned you down.
NTA
Your father tried to tell them that no one in his sister’s family had the means to take care of the house. They chose to disregard his wise counsel and treat him like a pariah for the rest of his life. Likely the hurt caused by the circumstances of the will hastened his demise greatly.
You should NOT under any circumstance give them ANY money for the house unless they sign over half the housr to you and you have 1/2 the square footage.
I suggest this because you definitely wont get your money back if you loan it to them because if they had money to pay the loan they have money to pay for the roof. A lot of roofers have installment plans.
Right now Its money for the roof . Then they will ask for money for taxes, for plumbing issues etc. They will never stop asking for money because they cant afford the house and will not be able to afford the house in the future.
And if they are going to be coming to you for funds to maintain a house they cant afford you need to get something out of it, because they will never give you any money back even if they say they will. Then they would say grandma would want you to help so we wont lose the house they will try everything to guilt you into it and will likely ostracize you like they ostracize your dad who got the crap end of a deal he should have received 250K.
Parents shouldn’t make.things uneven at their deaths if they want their adult kids to continue having a relationship. Your grandparents knew the sister couldn’t afford the house and they gave her majority ownership anyway. I understand she cated for them in their later years but she also received a free place to stay for those yrs. Add up what she would’ve paid for rent or a house payment over the years she stayed there. So not only did she receive majority equity in the home she also got tens of thousands if not hundreds of thousands in free lodging over the years. And despite already having received more than her siblings, her parents knew she couldn’t afford it and just assumed family would chip in to allow her to keep staying there.
They may even say that your cousin will pay you when his practice takes off. He wont. He will be Then have kids and other expenses.
Don’t give them any money unless there is a contract for you having 1/2 ownership in thr home.