I (23F) share an apartment with my roommate & friend “Jess” (24F). When we moved in, we didn’t make a detailed roommate contract, but we had a quick convo about being “respectful” and “communicating about issues”. Nothing super like formal.
For the first couple months, things were fine. But recently Jess has been having people over late. Like past midnight on weekends and sometimes even weekdays. She doesn’t host parties exactly, but she’ll have 3-4 friends over to talk, watch shows, cook, whatever. They’re not screaming or blasting music, but the walls are thin and I can hear everything… laughter, movement, cabinets, the TV. It wakes me up a lot.
This has been happening 2-3 times a month, always on nights before my early classes or shifts. I tried to ignore it at first because I didn’t want to be controlling, and I know we never set official quiet hours. But after the third midnight hangout in one month, I finally snapped.
Last week she brought people over at 12:15AM on a Wednesday. I had a presentation the next morning and was already anxious. I opened my door and (not super nicely) asked if they could keep it down and maybe not have people over so late. Jess pulled me aside and said I was “overreacting” because they weren’t even being loud, and we never set any rules about guests or noise.
I told her that “common sense quiet hours” are kind of a universal roommate thing and that it’s disrespectful to assume I’m fine with late-night hangouts when she knows I wake up early. She said if I needed strict quiet hours, I should have brought them up when we moved in or talked about it earlier instead of snapping in the middle of nowhere.
Later she texted me saying she felt attacked and embarrassed in front of her friends. I felt bad because I reacted out of emotion, but also… I was exhausted and felt like she didn’t care.
Now things are super tense and the apartment is awkward, but our lease ends next year… Some friends I’ve told say I was right to bring it up, others say I should’ve communicated earlier instead of blowing up.
AITA for asking her to stop having people over past midnight when we never officially discussed quiet hours?
YTA. Y’all said you’d communicate and discuss any issues.
Then you blew up on her after not doing what you said you were gonna do. You should’ve brought it up under different circumstances and not in front of others.
ESH
Your roommate shouldn’t have guests *arriving* after midnight. You’re right that it is common sense.
You also agreed to address issues as they come up. You didn’t do that. You let your frustration build up until you snapped at her in front of her guests, embarrassing her.
Discussing issues in private instead of fighting in front of guests is also common sense.
Apologize for your behavior – it was definitely not okay. Then discuss boundaries around quiet hours and what can be compromised on. Like no guests after 10pm on school/work nights but guests can hang out until 1pm on off days.
Also re-commit to the agreement to discuss things *as they come up*.
YTA – You should have brought this up earlier when it started happening. Your silence on the matter would lead me to believe you were okay with it as well. Then snapping at her in front of her friends out of seemingly nowhere would make anyone uncomfortable. There is no such thing as common sense quiet hours when it comes to just talking, moving around, and watching TV (essentially just living). Also, wear ear plugs?
I think ESH. It does seem like common sense not to bring people over starting at midnight or later. Does she have a weird work schedule? However, you handled it poorly. You needed to discuss this with her privately when you were calm rather than bottling your feelings and snapping in front of her friends.
NTA/ESH
I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but also this is what happens when expectations aren’t communicated clearly. I feel like a weirder schedule for quiet hours is quite common in your early 20’s, or a student, and they aren’t doing anything except talking and watching tv. That being said, I don’t feel like this is a huge issue as special circumstances like a presentation would warrant consideration even if it was outside of set quiet hours.
If at 12:15 am they were making enough noise for you to hear, then the request to be quieter should be respected. That is common sense. Someone trying to sleep? Do what you can to be quieter.
Slight ESH because you telling her to not have people over so late when they’re here is kinda a moot point. But you’re not wrong for wanting to be able to sleep.
YTA. Your roomie didn’t know you felt that way and can’t expect them to know if you didn’t lay ground rules from the start. You said you snapped? That doesn’t sound pleasant and embarassing. With that said, I would ask them if they would like to chat and work something out. I would apologize for snapping and see what you could work out for the remainder of the lease and consider a new living situation, because it doesn’t seem like a good fit.
YTA
Common sense might be lacking on her side but you need to be much clearer about your expectations. And you need to be talking about them with her one-on-one, not waiting for a final straw moment in front of her friends.
You can’t expect her to know when your early classes are, or when you have a stressful presentation the next morning, unless you TELL HER and request some quiet time.
Welcome to having a roommate.
YTA. You agreed to communicate respectfully about any issues. You didn’t, then chose the wrong way and the wrong time to bring it up.
Just because you didn’t set expectations in the beginning doesn’t mean that you can’t do it now. Always talk reasonably about expectations. You need to learn to communicate effectively!!! Don’t wait until you “blow up”!
ESH coming out of your room cranky af telling her to keep it down rudely is obviously gonna rub someone the way wrong way and start an argument.
That being said it is common sense that past midnight you should be respectful of your roommates. My roommate and I work opposing hours me up early her up late and both try not to make noise cause the walls are thin.
Her friends go to her room past a certain hour. On weekends all bets are off.
ESH. Unless you both were taking only classes or work only in the PM, it is rather common sense that there are quiet hours, particularly during the school or work week. That said, you shouldn’t have bottled up your emotions until you blew. That is embarrassing and harsh in front of outsiders.
Just have a mature sit down convo and hash this out. No blaming or finger pointing. Perhaps start with an apology for how you handled it and then say you’d like to move forward and have an understanding in place because you need your quiet time for work/sleep whatever.
ESH- Having guests over that late on a school night is utterly absurd on her part, but you should have brought this up sooner and blowing up in front of her friends was inappropriate and immature. Ideally, you should have brought this up the first time it happened. You’re allowed to reestablish expectations and house rules later on as things come up that you didn’t think about the first time around. Blowing up on her in front of her puts you in a really bad spot even though you’re technically right that what she did was also really rude and inconsiderate.
Open the convo with an apology for your behavior and for not bringing it up sooner. Apologize for embarrassing her in front of her friends. Then open the dialogue regarding when it’s appropriate to have guests and formalize your quiet hours. Try not to say “but” when you apologize; it can be really tempting to go “I’m sorry I blew up BUT you shouldn’t have friends over that late”. Instead apologize sincerely and follow it with your request to establish quiet hours. It can go something like:
“I’m really sorry I blew up at you the other night and embarrassed you in front of your friends. That was inappropriate and immature since we established that we should bring up issues early before they get out of hand. I’m sorry I let it boil over like that and will do better to bring things up earlier in the future. I would also like to revisit our house rules regarding visitors and quiet hours. Based on my schedule I think [preferred quiet hours] would work best. How do you feel about those hours” etc. and go from there.
You may still need to compromise on the quiet hours and you may find you’re not as compatible as you thought based on that. Unfortunately, not all friends make good roommates. Good luck and I hope it all works out in the end!