I (20M) and my best friend “Kyle” (18M) were extremely close. Last year, during the lowest point of my life, he was the friend who listened. Because of that, I felt a lot of gratitude toward him. When I upgraded my own gaming laptop, I gave him my almost-new one (2 months old…) instead of selling it. I also bought him a PS4 for his birthday last year. We called each other “brothers.”
But earlier this year I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with my ex “Richard” (20M). Richard would badmouth Kyle, control who I talked to, hit me once and say horrible things to me CONSTANTLY.
Then Richard found messages of Kyle talking badly about him to me (after I told Kyle about Richard talking shit about him), and literally showed up to Kyle’s house to “talk.” After that, Kyle grew distant for a few days and acted like I was lying about Richard badmouthing him because Richard twisted the story. We made up. But after that, I realized Richard’s patterns aligned with abuse, and confided in Kyle to believe me. TWICE. And each time, Kyle would "listen" but then kept being friends with Richard, even gossiping about me to him, until Richard eventually kicked me out over another phone search, where this time, he saw I confronted Kyle for staying friends with my abuser. Only then did Kyle cut him off. Kyle apologized.. I forgave him, but it hurt that I had to fight that hard for the person I considered my brother to believe me.
Later, I learned Kyle had shared some of my deepest personal secrets with Richard during that “talk.” He apologized again, and again I forgave him.
Fast-forward to last week. Kyle had money to spend and I joked that with my birthday coming up, maybe he could get me something. He bluntly said no and spent the money on himself. It stung, but I said it was hurtful bc of all things I’ve done for him, and Kyle has NEVER gotten me anything like ever. and he wrote a long apology, thanking me for my honesty with him and saying if this is what "real friendship" is, he wants it.
Then the night before my birthday (my birthday was the 18th), he ignored my messages several times and immediately went to play with another friend. When I calmly asked what was wrong and whether I did something, he snapped. He called the conversation “drama,” said he was “proudly immature,” and even took jabs at my past trauma. He even mentioned how I was still hurt about the Richard situation (when I didn’t even MENTION Richard). This was out of nowhere. I wasn’t yelling or accusing him, just asking why he was ignoring me.
That was the moment I realized he doesn’t value me the way I valued him. Nor does his words match his actions.
At this point, I don’t want to stay friends, and I don’t want him benefitting from my generosity when he’s treated me like this. The laptop and PS4 were gifts based on the belief we were lifelong friends. Now that he’s disrespected me repeatedly, I want them back.
So AITA for wanting the laptop and PS4 back?
YWBTA/ESH. That‘s all tough and I get why you’re feeling hurt, but gifts don’t quite work like that. When you give somebody something it belongs to them permanently, and their ownership of those items isn’t contingent on the state of your relationship with them. That stuff is his now and even if he’s been a shitty friend you can’t ask for it back a year later and expect him to return it to you
YWBTA if you ask for gifts back. When you give a gift it should be because you want to give a gift it should never be to expect a gift in return. The same as it shouldn’t be to buy someone’s affection. Gift giving should be done for selfless reasons. Take this as a lesson and move on, you shouldn’t have to deal with toxic people in your life. Good luck, you are better off without them.
consider those items the cost of gaining experience and removing a false friend from your life.
you gave them, there were no strings attached at the time you gave them, so they are his.
1) – . Kyle had money to spend and I joked that with my birthday coming up, maybe he could get me something. He bluntly said no and spent the money on himself. It stung, but I said it was hurtful bc of all things I’ve done for him, and Kyle has NEVER gotten me anything like ever – You made the choice to spend the money, Kyle never asked. A gift is something without the expectation of anything in return. Sadly YTA and you would have no legal standing to even get them back in court.
2) ESH – he showed you his true colors when he talked to Richard about you .
I would just forget about him and you gifted that stuff to him so it’s a little weird asking for it back
Yes, YTA.
Gifts were given. Gone. It’s not a lease subject to continued loyalty.
Can’t ungift. It’s not in the dictionary.
Do you understand what a gift is? You don’t get them back.
Look, I’ll be honest, I didn’t read all that. You don’t get gifts back. Once you give them you have no say or control over them. YTA.
I’m sorry, you upgraded your laptop after TWO MONTHS ?!
You gave the things/items, etc., to him. His property. You can pound sand.
YTA
It sucks that you spent large amounts of money on gifts for a jerk. He does deserve to have you request the gifts back, but rather than doing that, take this as a great lesson: you’ve spent x amount of money up til now. But think how much cash you’d’ve wasted if you remained friends for another year, 5 years, 10 years…
YTA you dont get gift backs, they are given unconditionally. If you take them back, it appears you were buying him as a friend.
why are you upset that he “ignored several messages” the day before your birthday? Do you expect him to be chained to his phone? Is he not allowed to have other friends? And since when do people expect their friends to drop all plans for them on the day before their birthday? This reeks of main character syndrome
And you got mad at him for being friends with your “abuser”, while you were still in a relationship with your abuser. Wow. Rules for thee but for me. Said abuser still had yet to kick you out. So you lived with and were in a relationship with this guy but turned on your friend with a “how dare you be friendly to this person who harms me!” Like, break up and move out, move on with your life before you start dictating what your friends should be doing
You need to do a lot of personal work because you sound like a shitty friend.
YTA. Once you give a gift it belongs to the other person. You don’t get to change your mind.