Hello! I am a foreigner (26F) who lives in Japan. My fellow foreign coworker (Sophia, 28F) told me a few days ago that she plans to move to New Zealand (where she is from) with her boyfriend (Riku, Japanese, 26M) around August of next year. They have been dating for a little over a year but haven’t lived together. They also recently went through a rough patch which included him practically ghosting her for a couple of days but since then they have worked through it.
My coworker’s visa is running out this July, and she initially wanted to stay in Japan, but after the rough patch, she decided that she wanted to move back to New Zealand for a year to be closer to family. They decided that he would come with her, and would live together in her parent’s house while he took English classes at a nearby university. He doesn’t really speak English, and they communicate fully in Japanese. Sophia plans to look for a job.
When she told me this I couldn’t conceal my skepticism. I told her to test run things he should move into her apartment for a few weeks and see how they do. She got defensive and told me that he sometimes stays over a few nights in a row, and I told her that it wasn’t the same thing as living together. I told her that since she has never had roommates either, she has never has to adjust to someone else’s way of life so it would be a big jump.
I also brought up that since they would be moving into her parent’s house, they wouldn’t have as much privacy and he would have to conform to her parent’s house rules. If they were only planning on staying at her family’s house for a short period of time, I don’t think it would be a big deal, but a year is a long time.
On top of that, he has gotten freaked out over not understanding English before. Last year at Christmas time, Sophia’s brother came to visit Japan. Riku and Sophia picked up her brother at the bullet train station, and afterwards Riku freaked out because he couldn’t understand what Sophia’s brother was saying. She had to call him on the phone and talk him down from it for a couple hours. He hasn’t really worked to improve his English since then, which is fine, but I’m worried he will freak out again if he’s in New Zealand and surrounded by people he doesn’t know, for the most part speaking English. He has also never even been to New Zealand for travel, so moving there is a huge jump.
I tried expressing that I think that this situation may cause for a huge amount of dependency, and that may lead to resentment but she got upset with me. I can’t shake the feeling that this is an insane decision, but maybe I’m overreacting. My coworker has been more distant to me over it so I think she’s definitely hurt with me not being enthusiastic over her plan. I know that she’s been very stressed out over her visa ending, so I think she was just happy to have a set plan, but I can’t shake the feeling that it’s not a good plan.
YTA. Not your business. Riki is 26. If he doesn’t like New Zealand he can just fly home to Japan.
NAH, but it’s her mistake to make and learn from. I don’t understand why you seem so invested in trying to convince her you’re right and she should not do what she wants to do.
You can express your opinion once but if you keep harping on it then YTA. It’s not your life. If you don’t support it keep your mouth shut unless you want to lose this friendship
Those are all reasonable concerns and it’s OK to express them. But once you’ve done that, leave it at that.
You are a good friend to her. You have been authentic and expressed your opinion. Now, you just have to be there for them.
Her BF if going to freak and leave fairly quickly I’d bet. If just not understanding her brother that was visiting made him lose it. But this is their choice. You said your piece now let it go.
Your concerns may very well be legitimate. Your predictions may very well be accurate. But…
Did she ask you for advice? Did she ask you if this sounded like a good idea? Because unsolicited advice is almost always unwelcome.
>I think she’s definitely hurt with me not being enthusiastic over her plan.
And I think she isn’t upset about you failing to show enthusiasm, she’s upset that from her point of view, you shit all over something she is excited about.
Have to lean YTA for the unsolicited opinions and lack of self awareness here.