My (F49) daughter (F18) was a problem child when she was little. Her school recommended me to get her assessed for autism when she was 12, i did (although i knew she wasnt even then), psychologist said shes not, so thats the end of that.
For a couple years all was normal, but now she’s started with it again. Casually mentioning she cant wear certain clothes or eat certain food “because of the autism”. She doesnt just throw it around as a joke, either. She is 100% serious.
A couple weeks ago we were on vacation, i took my younger kids to see the Statue of Liberty, my daughter went to the national history museum. She liked it a lot, was there from opening to closing and color coded the map based on her favorite rooms. She was showing it to her brother at our hotel room and her brother asked her “are you sure you’re not autistic?” And i interjected and said that shes not. She got upset and i told her she cant self-diagnose with everything she sees online. She got upset and wont talk to me now.
Aita? I feel like i just told her the hard truth, someone had to pop her bubble.
One assessment years ago and you just accepted and moved on? Testing a neurodivergent has come along massively over the past few years.
INFO: have you had her re-tested now that she’s older? That might help out the matter to rest for her. But she’s clearly struggling with something and either way, visiting a counselor and a psychiatrist might not be the worst idea.
Not gonna judge, but young girls are massively underdiagnosed when it comes to conditions like adhd and autism. It can sometimes take seeing multiple experts for a girl to finally get a diagnosis.
YTA one psychologist’s opinion at age 12 many years ago is not a definitive no. Girls have historically been missed and autism assessments have changed to accommodate girls’ presentation of autism. The fact that it’s been a question before means it should still be a question. She needs supporting in exploring this further not invalidating
Diagnosing Autism is not a perfect science, and diagnosing girls has been particularly imperfect. I absolutely would not consider one test on a preteen girl 6 years ago definitive proof that she does not have it. If she recognizes it in herself, and has had teachers recognize it in her, and has had family members recognize it in her, it’s absolutely possible.
Honestly, I think YTA for being so weirdly insistent that she’s not.
Yeah, I mean my experience was:
Age 6-18: in therapy, many assessments, autism not considered
Early 20’s: oh wow, my kid acts just like my autistic cousin. I should get him screened… that’s interesting… my own answers to these questions are nearly identical to his… maybe I’ll talk to more autistic adults… holy shit, we have so much in common… THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH. I THOUGHT I WAS JUST WEIRD/I THOUGHT THAT WAS NORMAL.
Age 29, first appointment with a trauma specialist: about half way through explaining my history, she asks whether I’m on the spectrum. I explained I haven’t been diagnosed, but I think so. She agreed, noting that my symptoms aligned with those who are diagnosed with both autism and DID/OSDD.
I can very much relate! That is how I got my ADHD diagnosis, decades after therapists and teachers first suggested it could be possible. My own (definitely undiagnosed neurodivergent) parents very much believed that because I was gifted and successful, it could not apply. Now here I am in my 40s, diagnosed ADHD, with kids with multiple diagnosed neurodivergencies lol
Whenever I see a parent who is adamant that their child, who is showing signs of neurodivergence, absolutely cannot be neurodivergent, I wonder if it’s because they see some of those signs in themselves and need to reject it to preserve their own self image.
YTA.
EDIT: The outlined process below is the current one for kids in the States – sorry for not putting that in before! Editing comments has been jank for me.
One psychologist exam isn’t what’s needed for autism evaluation. **You didn’t complete the process.** It requires **behavioral** observation from someone in the behavioral therapy field (a BCBA and their supervisor did it for both my kids), **medical** observation from a pediatrician, forms from school AND parents, a neurology exam, and some other things. I’ve had both my kids evaluated in the last 6 years.
My son is both medically and behaviorally diagnosed with autism, my daughter is behaviorally diagnosed but doesn’t meet the medical diagnosis criteria. Do better for your daughter.
Not to mention there are other diagnoses that have associated sensory issues and behaviors similar to autism. And girls can be more difficult to diagnose with autism. Sounds like they did one assessment and went “so that’s the end of that”. If the school was recommending an assessment something was going on.
Pretty dismissive when the girl seems to have something going on, and at the least feels like she’s neurodivergent in some way and is seeking answers because the parent doesn’t seem to want to.
Hopefully fake rage bait, but honestly I see it all the time in my job.
YTA, girls are notoriously misdiagnosed because of preconceived ideas of how autism looks in primarily white boys. It is completely possible she is autistic and was not evaluated properly.
I wonder why she was a “problem child”? I’m sure it didn’t have anything to do with her having an unsupportive, dismissive parent though. You probably make her feel like she is wrong and bad all the time. So what if she does or doesn’t have autism? Maybe try listening to her for once, instead of always thinking you are right all the time.
She needs a reassessment. Neurodivergence is under diagnosed in girls and is sometimes missed.
ADHD is a big one because unlike young boys, girls don’t act as hyperactive, and instead have less visible symptoms.
YTA. I’m not qualified to say whether or not she’s autistic, but ultimately I think it’s irrelevant.
You are supposed to be her supportive, emotionally regulated role model. Instead, you are taking an approach that is not only dismissive, but punitive. How does this threaten you? Is there an underlying fear about what it might mean for you and your parenting if she *was* autistic?
As I say, the label is irrelevant. She is using it as a vehicle to communicate to you that she’s struggling and wants to better understand how she fits into the world. You don’t even have to use the word “autism” to be curious and supportive about that. You could just start by spending more time with her and learning how she perceives her difficulties. Instead, you’re trying to shut her down.
What will happen next is she will stop trying with you and find someone else who makes her feel heard.