Over a month ago my (25F) best friend (25F) got engaged. I casually found this out through a Facebook post. I was a bit confused on why she didn’t tell me. I don’t get on Facebook usually but I found out because my mom told me. My friend knows I don’t go on social media. So I thought maybe she just forgot? But over the past few weeks there were a lot of comments on the post and she was liking and replying for awhile. Before she posted about the engagement she was telling me how I was her best friend, her go-to, etc. I thought it was sweet. However, I’m usually the one who has to make plans to see her, the one who usually starts up conversations through text, I drive over 2 hours to she her, yet she doesn’t do the same. I found out however for a whole week she was with one of the friends we were with in college for over a week. (This friend also has a bf) but she took the time to drive almost 3 1/2 hours to stay with her and hang out. I was a bit upset about it. Over a month goes by of me finding out about this engagement I finally tell her congratulations. I told her I was surprised. I found out I was the only one who didn’t know. When she told me the only reason she didn’t tell me was because she forgot even through she and her fiancé were posting and commenting about it online. She then told me “but you’re still my best friend” and I’m just not sure what I should do tbh. I was the only one she didn’t tell and I had to find out through a post online. I feel like I’m being petty and sensitive but it just kind of sucks.
TL;DR: found out my (25F) friend (25F) got engaged over a month ago through a Facebook post. She had been actively talking about it online and everyone else knew but me. I acted oblivious to this situation to see if she’d tell me and she didn’t. When I brought it up her only comment was she forgot.
NTA. She probably wants something and is buttering you up with all the BFF talk before that shoe drops. Maybe a contribution for a ‘dream’ honeymoon or to be another bridesmaid that chips in for her bachelorette trip.
NTA I understand people being busy. My friends and I don’t talk all the time. But big things like celebrations are never forgotten between true friends.
I’m sorry but I don’t think she’s truly as close a friend as she’s trying to make out.
Sounds like you’re her best friend but she’s not yours.
I’ll say NAH as she doesn’t have to tell you anything. That said, I would consider reevaluating this friendship if I were you.
It is obvious she is not your friend or at least not the same way you feel about her. I would distance myself from her, this friendship is over
NTA
My best friend would get a text literally the second the moment with my partner had passed. This is not a signal of a close relationship
Something I’ve learned about friendships over the years is that my life got a lot easier when I stopped keeping score with my friendships. Meaning that I stopped tallying the effort I was putting in and comparing it to the effort that others were putting in. I felt more fulfilled when I just focused on if the friendships were emotionally fulfilling to me and the effort I was putting into them brought me joy. I focused on putting more effort into spending time with friends that I enjoyed spending time with, and if I was putting more effort into seeing those friends than they were in seeing me, it didn’t really matter because I was still getting enjoyment out of spending the time. It helped me reevaluate the friendships I was maintaining because we’d just been friends for a long time but neither of us really got anything out of the friendship anymore. No emotional connection, no enjoyment in shared hobbies, it was just work.
Based on what you are saying here – it doesn’t really sound like you are getting a lot of enjoyment from this friendship. That doesn’t mean you need to burn any bridges – but just focus your energy on the friends that bring you joy. If your friend notices a change and puts more effort in to making this friendship more fulfilling, then you have the choice to then start prioritizing this again. If you feel it’s important to let her know that you felt hurt by her actions, you should also do that. Communication is healthy and how she responds will also give you more information on if this friendship is fulfilling your needs.
I’ve always liked Plato’s view on friendship – he believed that friends helped you be a better person. True friends act like mirrors, they help you see yourself as you truly are and help you become the best version of yourself. If a friendship is causing you pain, filling you with doubt, or bringing out qualities you don’t desire in yourself – is it truly a friendship worth having?
YTA. Why in the world do you think she owes you a personal announcement of her engagement or of any other life event. Her life doesn’t actually revolve around you. She likely assumed, rightly, that you would find out through social media or friends. You sound super immature and like you have some main character syndrome going on.
I see you’re probably right. I should just reflect on my own actions.
>I was the only one she didn’t tell and I had to find out through a post online.
Are you actually the “only one” she didn’t tell? Or is it more that everybody else found out because they saw the facebook post? I’m sure you aren’t suggesting that she didn’t specifically message everybody else individually, just not you.
It’s absolutely your choice not to be on social media but you can’t get pissy when you miss out on hearing about things that everyone else found out about on social media. I think the other comments suggesting maybe the friendship isn’t quite the ‘best friends’ level might be onto something if you don’t talk to each other for a month.
I don’t think you’re an asshole as such for acting oblivious, but I would say the obvious normal thing to do would’ve just been to say congratulations when you first found out from your mom, waiting a month just to ‘test’ someone you consider a best friend is just petty.
As to her, the facebook post probably attracted a lot of messages from friends and family in the moment so I understand her forgetting to specifically message someone.
NTA
Probably tells a lot of people that and it sounds manipulative. I’d stop calling and see what happens.
NTA, it was on her to tell you. Many people live on social media so they don’t call with news, they post it. They forget some people aren’t checking Facebook. I think the larger issue is this isn’t a reciprocal relationship and she doesn’t act like a bff. I’d accept you’re not her bff based on how she fails to reach out, visit, etc and leaves it to you. Maybe drop the rope and see if she reaches out. If she does or invites you to her wedding, decide to what degree you want to be her friend, if at all. I’m hoping you have other friends who are better at being friends.
NTA. Girl … you deserve better. A bestfriend would have informed you immediately after being engaged
NTA. If social media is the way my closest friends tell me great big news in their life, they’re not my close friend.