\*adding that he swears he won’t drink & drive but we just don’t believe him.
I (43F) & my partner (42M) have a child (7F) that usually visits my parents every cpl weekends. We are a bit overprotective of her due to our own iffy childhoods.
My parents (63F & 65M together for like 20+ years) are HEAVY drinkers. I mean drinking wine at 930am drinkers. Mom doesn’t work, but SD does work & to my understanding doesn’t drink till he gets home. He does take opiate medication too.
Here’s where things get hairy…..there have been SEVERAL occasions where my daughter has been dropped off & he has been intoxicated. One time he almost fell out of the truck! That was the last straw. He may not always "blow over" but after everything, there is no trust & we have expressed over & over how we don’t feel comfortable with him drinking anything. Last Christmas there was an argument & they went about 8 months not talking to us at all. No call, no apology. Nothing. Time passed & my mom & I started talking but it always feels strained with his behaviour looming in the background. We have now started allowing our daughter to go visit again but we do not leave the booster & have said she isn’t allowed to drive with him. He is saying we are treating him like a child & he just doesn’t understand why we can’t get over it. We’re family.
For context, one time when I said something about it, the response was….." well, I’ve never been pulled over, nor have I been in an accident"!! LIKE WHAT?!?!?! You have to go to jail, or crash to keep my child safe? Another time he swore he hadn’t drank & when I said I smelled it on him, he said it was just a sip. There have been so many things, & so much lying, the trust is gone. We said we would drive her to their city to drop her off for visits, but they just can’t drive with her anymore. I was even going as far as to rent a vehicle WITH MY OWN MONEY so she could still see them. I now have my own car, so it’s not as big of a deal. She has been down now for 3 or 4 visits & everytime he asks to take her somewhere & it’s contentious because we say no, or to take a cab. He’s always saying things to my daughter like "sorry honey I cant drive you", or "I’d take you there but I can’t drive you". To which I have asked him over & over not to involve her in adult issues. & he keeps on doing it! I feel its emotional abuse/manipulation. There was another occasion where she wanted to come home & I said sure & drove down after midnight to get her, my parents made her feel so bad & SD went to his room (I say sulking) & didn’t even say goodbye to her. She was crushed!! It still continues no matter how many times I mention it being inappropriate & that she’sa child. I just got another message asking about this weekend & my partner is furious that he just keeps asking without accepting how his behaviour has effected us all & how big of a deal it really is!! So I said he could talk to my partner & I wasn’t talking about it again.
So AITA for just saying NO, you cannot drive with my daughter in the vehicle?
This is harsh, but ESH. Them for extremely obvious reasons, you for leaving your child with them. That is not a safe situation for an unattended child.
Sorry to say your SD is a menace to himself, his passengers, and others on the road. He is also abusive towards your daughter. Tough love would suggest you call the police and inform them of his recidivist drunk driving antics. His spending a night in the cells might ultimately save a lot of people’s lives – including his. If you don’t want to go that far, I think going non-contact would be justified. NTA.
i don’t even understand why you let your daughter go there.
>My parents (63F & 65M together for like 20+ years) are HEAVY drinkers. I mean drinking wine at 930am drinkers.
>SD does work & to my understanding doesn’t drink till he gets home. He does take opiate medication too.
>there have been SEVERAL occasions where my daughter has been dropped off & he has been intoxicated.
NTA. BUT…consider this: if you allow your child to ride with them or if you even leave her in their care, knowing what you know, you might be complicit in any possible legal proceedings (or criminal investigations).
If I were you, no unsupervised visits. Period. The whole “but we’re family” is a bullshit smokescreen designed to manipulate you into doing what they want.
Don’t fall for it.
ESH
Them for obvious reasons
You for under-reacting. Your daughter should not be left unsupervised with them period.
Yes! You cannot have functioning alcoholics having unsupervised time with your child.
YTA: for allowing your daughter to visit them unsupervised period. Your drunk parents aren’t capable of taking care of a 7 y/o
Why is your daughter still spending weekends with these alcoholics? Why are you leaving her with them at all? You need to give your head a wobble, it is not just driving that drunks cause issues. ESH
Why are you even letting her go there????? So unsafe even if they’re not driving!!!
If they are that bad with not drinking, why do you leave your child with them? That is not an environment she should be in, especially without her parents.
I’m questioning why you would leave your child alone with these people at all. Visits are fine but they’re heavy drinkers and you leave your child in the care of such people?
For the question you’ve asked, no, you’re not TA. Keeping yor child safe and healthy should be your top priority. YTA for allowing her to stay with heavy drinkers (Or let’s call a spade a spade, alcoholics) unsupervised though.
Why are you letting your daughter unsupervised around people who are always intoxicated? Im on a pain contract and take opioids and have never driven intoxicated. My medication doesn’t make me high or anything. Its also a huge no to drink while on them. Yet you let this guy drive at least once all messed up and wonder if you’re an AH for not giving him another chance to kill your daughter in a crash?
The only smart thing to do is cut them off. They dont seem to take her safety seriously and care more about you not just letting them do whatever they want. This is a severe safety issue to even let her near them. Do you honestly think they won’t just take her to the store ‘real quick’ without the booster? They’ve already shown they give zero shits about her safety.
NTA- But you are acting incredibly irresponsibly by letting your child spend any time with them unsupervised.
YTA for leaving your child with them period since they drink while she’s in their care. There are consequences for drinking and losing relationships with relatives are one of them. You are actually enabling them by allowing them access and also endangering your child. You really can’t believe that taking a car seat is going to deter two alcoholics from getting into a car and driving, do you?