Cheers everyone! So for the past year I’ve been seriously dating a girl that I love very much and am looking to wife. During this year we had some rough times with our families. My mom is very keen on family traditions while she and her parents aren’t. For context my parents are divorced, but my mom has had a serious bf for years now (very cool guy, fatherly figure of mine) and she was, therefore, able to at least get to something close as a real family (me, too), since my dad is most def an a-hole. Last few Xmases have been the closest me and my mum could get to a real happy family Xmas. I appreciate the time and also aim to keep in touch with mom and her bf as much as I can. I visit them every week, occasionally go to the countryside with them etc. I’m a good son, overall. Now the beef began when me and my gf decided to spend Xmas together, travelling abroad. Easter was kind of a mess this year, we travelled in the countryside to meet both families, my gf didn’t enjoy it and it was tiring. So we were like F it, Xmas will be just ours this year. My mom, on the other hand, went mad as expected, blaming me for leaving her alone, for taking away her Xmas, started moaning that she’s going old and won’t be here for much longer (she’s only 51, btw) etc. For further context – I also support quality family time, it’s healthy when done in moderation, but don’t really care about certain dates. No matter if its Dec 24th or 28th, we’re still family and could spend good time together, which I plan on doing. There’s further disruptions to go into, but it’s not about that now. I expect my mom to respect and appreciate my decisions about my personal life and happiness, instead of blaming me and trying to change them. All my life she always went about how she’s open-minded, cool and supportive and she failed on the first legit hurdle. So, AITA?
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NAH. It is perfectly reasonable you want to go away for the holiday and avoid any stress. But it is also totally understandable that she wants you there to celebrate a holiday. It may not be important to you, but it is to her. While I don’t think you are an AH for making your choice, I do think you should really try to be more empathetic towards her and her position. She shouldn’t try to guilt you, but she is allowed to express how it makes her feel.
Thanks for the reply! I get her, totally and been trying to be reasonable. These events won’t be taking away any of my love or respect for my fam and I’ve been showing them that. Eventually it’ll pass, it’ll be cool for all, I guess.
you cant please everyone and stay true
nta – it’s your life, do what you want. obligations kill the spirit of things like christmas
NTA, your girlfriend deserves a nice holiday too but I can also see why mom is being sensitive since she wanted her child there but she is not alone – her bf is there as well.
Everyone deserves it, I guess mom doesn’t comprehend that I’m creating my own family and taking care of someone else, yet. Eventually, she will. All will fall into place.
All I can say is you can show empathy but make sure she realises she won’t get her way. My mum occasionally bemoans choices my siblings and I make. All of us outright firmly remind her to recognise she isn’t the only person who matters in our lives and she needs to respect our choices.
NAH. I don’t think you’re an \*asshole\* – I understand your desire to escape what sounds like some rough times in the past – but I don’t totally agree. I would understand if you and your mum had some serious water under the bridge but it sounds like your relationship is good and her boyfriend is a cool guy. Why not spend Christmas with them, and your girlfriend – does it have to be an either/or situation?
If you don’t care about meeting up on certain dates, why not give her this one and maybe skip seeing her another time which she sees as less important than Christmas? It’s an obligation, but obligations are sometimes what it takes to maintain a loving family that invests trust in one another. Especially if it hasn’t always been smooth in the past.
But then again, I think I’m older than you so maybe that also changes my perspective on things. I have a mother approaching elderly age so it’s difficult to remove that from my mind as I write this.
NTA. You 100% have the right to make that choice. It’s understandable for your mother to be disappointed, but saying that she’s going old and won’t be here for much time longer when she’s only 51 seems like a big exageration (and she might have said all that just to make you feel guilty and to make you stay with her during Christmas)
Kindly remind her, the way she treats you as you separate and individuals- and REALLY a mom is supposed to be proud you’re growing up and adulting & not only when it’s her way -well set the stage for how you and your future wife and family decide how you will choose where they fit when you have kids…or help you decide whether you want kids.
No one wants to bring kids to a histrionic grandmother.
NTA. You’re entitled to your own life and to do your own thing.
NTA
I have the same issue with my parents. They insist i spend christmas with the family because its tradition. Christmas day involves getting up at the crack of dawn to go to church, get home and kind of sit around awkwardly until lunch, and then eat the exact same meal since i can remember.
I told them thats their tradition and id like to have my own. That started a whole argument, especially when i pointed out that i can count on one hand the number of times i had christmas with my grandparents, so the whole family must be together for christmas is bs.
Unpopular opinion but YTA. You know Christmas is deeply important to your mom and you noted how hard she has worked to make that holiday special for you in the past. So, yeah, I see her point. I see how she feels abandoned and probably feeling really rejected. Holidays can be hard for people and can feel quite lonely.
The emotional manipulation and blaming etc.- is garbage. She was wrong to do that.
Since you say dates don’t matter to you, you could have picked another date for a vacation with the gf.
While I see your point, missing from the narrative is the info about gf’s family. From the comment about Easter, you could infer her family have expectations that they get to have Christmas too so OP and his gf either have to split time and do both, establish a year about routine when neither side is willing to go second, or just say screw them both we’re doing neither and both sides can be unhappy.
If OP and GF establish that they’re willing to miss the day itself and do their own thing, suddenly every other year doesn’t seem so bad