I’ve (21F) been running a Dungeons and Dragons campaign online for almost four and a half years as the Dungeon Master. Initially, it was all fun, helping me break out of my shell and form genuine friendships. However, over the past year, things have become increasingly difficult, with more disagreements among players than I can recall. As the Dungeon Master, much of the responsibility for these conflicts falls on me.
Last week’s session was particularly tough, marred by unpleasant interactions between players and between players and NPCs. As I anticipated the messages I would receive afterward, my anxiety began to build. Instead of typing my usual reassuring response, “It’s just a game. I’m fine. :)”… something in me snapped. I went on a rant, asking if anyone was enjoying themselves and accusing them of being angry with me. They insisted that no one was actually upset and that I had no reason to “catastrophize.” This made me feel insane; how could they think I was overreacting when they had created a pattern of issues?
I began listing evidence to support my feelings, including an image of me ranting about messages one player, Kate (21F), had sent. After leaving the discussion, Kate contacted me later that night, scolding me for my behavior. I admitted my actions were childish and disrespectful. A few nights later, feeling guilty, I sent the group a quick apology at 1 AM, but quickly deleted it. I’m not sure why. Kate must have seen the notification, because she replied with a lengthy message scolding me further, ending with, “I do not trust you anymore; not to be honest with me about your feelings, and not as someone who can be trusted with mine.”
Kate’s words upset me, but I understand. The game is important to me too, and I feel sick about how I behaved. The sense of community and stability the game provided feels lost, leaving a hole in my mind. I’ve been losing sleep over this situation, and if Kate feels similarly, I get why she’s upset.
My IRL friends think differently, suggesting I should block Kate and move on, arguing that anything else falls into the sunk-cost fallacy. I vacillate between their perspectives: sometimes I want to cry and reconcile with the group to finish the campaign because losing it hurts more than managing conflict. Other times, I feel Kate’s continued criticisms indicate I made the right decision for my mental health. I also wish I could go back, but I think Kate hates me too much for that to be worthwhile. Yet, I’m also wary that trying to play again could lead to an even uglier environment, given the animosity now exposed.
I’m just feeling stuck. The only opinions I’m hearing are either that I’m terrible for my actions or that I’m completely vindicated and should never speak to Kate or the others again. Both viewpoints feel wrong, and I need an outside perspective: AITA?
YTA, in the sense that you are in the wrong. However, don’t bristle at that. There is such a thing as being in the wrong while not being terrible. That’s the case here.
Her ‘criticisms’ are entirely correct and valid. You chose to withhold your true feelings for a lengthy period of time, until you exploded. That’s never a good idea. You need to take in her criticism for what it is, a constructive check on your behavior.
What you should do from here is take a little time to process. You already understand that your behavior was childish and inappropriate. So, you understand that her calling you out on it was entirely justified. Process that, and let go of the animosity you feel. Someone pointing out your wrong doing is not them doing something wrong to you. But the feelings it brings up can be hard to process without getting defensive- no one wants to feel bad about themselves.
To combat this, think about how you are characterizing things here. You call yourself terrible, you call yourself childish, and you say she is scolding and she hates you. None of those things are true. Put things in the proper context. It is ok to mess up. It is how you handle being called out on it that matters.
Contact her, tell her you are thinking about things. Ask her to speak after you have had time to think. And then actively try to work through the problem so that animosity no longer exists.
Making a habit of discarding friendships over difficult moments is not wise. You need to actually try these things first.
I’m more than a bit concerned that OPs usually response to messages after an intense gaming session is “it’s just a game, I’m fine :)”
I don’t know if the other players first response is to be concerned about her after a session like that, or upset themselves, or honestly it could entirely be projection, but whatever way things are happening speaks to a deeply unhealthy dynamic, at a bare minimum because OP is lying to the players and possibly herself every time she says “it’s just a game, I’m fine :)”
It’s also very minimising of everyone’s experiences. It is a game, sure, but it’s also hours and hours of meaningful interactions with friends, interactions are potentially extremely emotional and vulnerable or difficult to manage in some way. If OP is reacting that emotionally to the game aspect itself, that might speak to anxiety or something. But it sounds like she’s responding to emotionally draining conflict and that isn’t something you should minimize even if everyone was acting
> Making a habit of discarding friendships over difficult moments is not wise. You need to actually try these things first.
This is very true but also OP has suppressed her feelings for literally years. Which makes things much much more difficult because this isn’t a difficult moment, this is the culmination of hundreds of difficult moments that have been suppressed and not worked through
Also without knowing anything about the backstory, we have no idea how the players view this, or what the OP is reacting to. For all we know she’s overreacting terribly and perceiving conflict and personal attacks where none are. Or for all we know, she’s underreacting and some or all of her players are being complete shits and have been gaslighting her for years
That said, regardless of who is at fault, I would encourage OP to take time to work through things and honestly, to bring this up with a therapist. At bare minimum she needs help with processing her emotions in a healthy way, and learning how to work through conflict instead of burying it. And really needs help with communication. Whether the actual issues with the group are sortable or not is probably less important than OP working on the emotional skillset she needs and getting the practice of doing that and also getting some of kind of resolution here, at least enough resolution to know what she personally thinks. At this point the OP has no idea if she regrets her choice or not and probably has not sorted through what actually happened either. Doing the mental work here and then the communication work here is more OP investing into herself than anything else
NTA for prioritizing your mental health over the D&D campaign, the situation seems kinda untenable at this point
That said, I’d say YTA for letting a hostile situation between your players go on your as long as you did, once things started getting hostile, but tbh, this goes for everyone in the group too, you all should’ve sat down and discussed this as soon as things started getting hostile rather than letting it go on for a year’s worth of sessions
As the DM, you take on a massive amount of labor and, more importantly, the burden of making sure everyone else is having a good time. If your players aren’t appreciating all that you do, if they’re picking fights or making you handle stuff you shouldn’t have to, then fuck ’em. They don’t appreciate how much work you put in. So stop doing all that work for a bunch of ungrateful people.
Being the DM can be incredibly draining, taxing, and even costly to your mental health. It’s pretty clear you need to step back to take care of yourself. Feel free to come back when you’re recharged and start something new, maybe with new people or with some better boundaries established.
NTA. No dnd is better then bad dnd
I see a few options:
\- you cancle the whole thing and yeah it will also end those friendships
\- you can tell them that you are not happy with the dynamic it took, but you are willing to end the story with them. It will be but only in character and no interaction out of character
\- you set a pause at the moment for your own mental health and reconsider to play in a few months
\- you get a conversation with the player to clear the air and look if you all can work together to make it happen. Talk about the situation and everyone can be heard (it is possible that the players loved the conflict play)
NTA. Being a DM is too much work to be having a miserable time during all of your sessions. They’ve gotten four years of your DMing and are now acting like brats during your sessions and causing you stress. Move on with your life. You can and should be free of people making you miserable.
I suspect that after a couple of missed sessions, you’ll realize how much lighter you feel without all the misery and anxiety you’ve been having over this group.
NTA
The DM does the vast majority of the work in a D&D campaign. A good player appreciates that. Kate is replaceable.
This is supposed to be a game. It is supposed to be fun. If you are not having fun, it isn’t worth it. I think there might be a lesson for you to learn here about not bottling your feelings and speaking up earlier, but that doesn’t mean you should continue to put up with people who fight or talk down to you.
If you want to finish the game, you can always have a session without Kate and see if the dynamic is better.
OP doesn’t have to DM if they don’t want to, fullstop. The players didn’t say it wasn’t fun, though, they all said no one was actually upset. Roleplaying conflict is usually different from real conflict, although could be due to it. So the overall situation depends on which was the case?
If OP does regret how it turned out, maybe a conversation about that? Including about whether they find it draining if the players are really heavy-handed with one another and their NPCs, even if it’s just play?
I don’t give a flying flip if the players find it fun to fight or whatever. OP is the DM. She is the one doing all of the work to make the game happen. If OP is not having fun (and she is not) then that’s the end of it.
I have 25 years of experience playing and DMing D&D, White Wolf, Paranoia, Jadeclaw, GURPS, Shadowrun, Pathfinder, etc etc. I assure you, I know what I am talking about from all angles here. When I was OP’s age, I put up with some obnoxious behavior from players because I thought it was my job as DM to make everyone happy. It isn’t.
It’s the DM’s job to make the game. It’s everyone’s job to make the game fun. If a player isn’t having fun, they can drop out and be replaced. If the DM isn’t having fun, the game is over.
If Kate makes the game not fun for OP, then Kate is out. Boom. Done. End of discussion. If Kate’s method of roleplaying conflict makes the game not fun for OP, then Kate can change her roleplaying style, or Kate can go find another game to play in.
On the specific question you’ve asked, you’re NTA – it’s clear that the game isn’t fun for any of you anymore, so ending it is the right thing to do.
However, more generally you are the asshole, because your narrative makes it clear that it’s either entirely or mainly your fault that it stopped being fun. When you tell the players you’re ending it, you should frankly admit that and apologise to them.
If I’m wrong and the players are still enjoying the game enough to want you to finish it, they’ll tell you. DON’T ask them if they want to continue – simply tell them it’s over, and if they want to continue they’ll tell you without needing to be prompted.
NTA this sounds so stressful for everyone involved. It wasn’t fair of them to turn on you like that and not have compassion for your situation, after you’ve been keeping it together for all of them for literal years. That said I can see why they might’ve gotten upset by what sounds like a pretty sudden outburst from you.
It also sounds like these relationships have gotten quite close. Consider whether they are worth losing. It’s possible to set boundaries (e.g. just holding just one more session to wrap things, or taking a break) while still keeping the door open for a repair process with those you want to stay friends. You don’t need to throw the baby out with the bathwater
NTA
Consent can be revoked at any time. If you’re no longer enjoying it and there is no way to change things so they’re fun again, it’s valid to cancel instead of crossing your own boundaries. DND is a hobby, hobbies should be fun!
And another point: “as the DM, all responsibility for the conflicts falls on me” is a red flag. You are the DUNGEON master, not the RELATIONSHIP master. Anything that’s outside characters needs to be dealt with by the people concerned or sometimes the whole group, it is NOT your responsibility and they are assholes if they expect you to take it just because you’re the DM.
You could also drop the problematic player. That’s an acceptable thing to do. DMs kick out bad players all the time. But based on the amount of mental stress it’s causing, NTA. It’s a lil AHish to cancel this close to the end, but no game is worth your mental health.
NTA for your decision to prioritize your mental health. No one should martyr themselves for a game (as beneficial and fun as D&D campaigns can be). However, you were the asshole in the moment. Being quietly resentful then blowing up will always be asshole behavior. Take comfort that the way you’re reflecting on it now shows you’re just a human who made an asshole mistake in a difficult moment. You’re fine, don’t beat yourself up anymore over Kate.