I (23F) know a guy who is not exactly my friend, but he is part of my friend group. He has been dating my cousin for a while. Recently, someone from my friend group told me that this guy has been secretly seeing another girl outside of college. The same friend had actually seen them together at his workplace, arguing and later found out the other girl claimed she was pregnant. He also had pictures as proof.
I confronted the guy privately and told him that he needed to tell my cousin the truth. I warned him that if he did not, I would. He begged me to let him handle it and said he would talk to her himself. I gave him two weeks. During those two weeks, he continued going out on dates with my cousin like nothing was wrong. When I confronted him again, he repeated the same thing I’ll tell her, don’t say anything. I gave him two more days.
When he started ignoring my texts and calls, I got angry and decided that I would tell my cousin myself. Before I could, my cousin showed up at my house extremely upset. She asked why I had been calling her boyfriend and telling him to break up with her. She had seen part of my messages and thought I was interfering for no reason.
I showed her everything the proof, the chats, the pictures, and even let her talk to the friend who told me in the first place. She started to calm down but was still upset with *me*. She said I should have come to her immediately instead of waiting and giving her boyfriend time to confess. She felt I had betrayed her by keeping it from her, even though my whole point was that I wanted *him* to admit it, so she would not feel blindsided by a third party.
Eventually, she broke up with him but now she won’t talk to me. She ignores my texts and calls. I have explained everything that I wanted her boyfriend to tell her himself, admit his mistake, and avoid making things more dramatic. But she still thinks I handled it wrong.
So AITA?
YTA you gave the cheater 16 days to figure how to discredit you. Now your cousin can’t lean on you for support because you betrayed her by withholding crucial information. For 16 days. WTF?
THIS, it would take me 0.5 seconds for me to call up my cousin and tell her the truth because this is insane
For me it is a bit different my cousin and I do not have that super close, best friend type relationship. It’s more like how you talk to an older sister you respect but do not get too casual with. So it’s not always easy for me to just call and drop something this heavy on her.
Which is understandable, but I will say (I am NOT trying to invalidate you, just talking from my experience!!) I personally don’t have a close relationship with my cousins either, but I would still very much tell them. It’s the fact that you let the cheater have over TWO WEEKS to confess, babes, he deserved to get his ass dumped probably before you found out, that’s why I think the cousin is rightfully upset
YTA
It looks like you have something to hide when you wait two weeks.
Two days would’ve been more appropriate.
I understand your point, and honestly I do not disagree. I also feel guilty for waiting it was not because I was hiding anything. I truly thought he would tell her himself and just needed some time. I never imagined he’d drag it out like that. I was not trying to protect him I just genuinely believed he would come clean without me having to step in.
YTA — instead of protecting your family, you protected the cheater.
Thats not nice at all.
NTA it’s a sticky situation I wouldn’t have given him as long as you did but I totally understand making him be the one to tell her, she is hurt and feeling betrayed by him and that is bleeding into her relationship with you hopefully in time she will realise you weren’t trying to hurt her and thought it was the right thing to do.
You’re not the asshole. You gave the guy a chance to confess, and when he refused, you told your cousin with proof. She’s only upset because she’s hurt and processing the betrayal, not because you did anything wrong. Give her space; she’ll eventually see you were the one protecting her.
NTA. Your only mistake was setting too late of a deadline.
ESH I get what you tried to do, him confessing is better than finding out from someone else for everyone involved. But 16 days is way too long, it should have been a couple days not weeks.
I want to say NTA because it sounds like the best part of you wanted to believe the guy would man up and admit to his wrongdoing. The other part of me is bothered you didn’t just tell your cousin. You gave this guy weeks to get his story straight and make you look bad. when you choose to prolong a lie at the expense of someone that trusts you, it looks like you allowed it to continue because you didn’t want to get your hands dirty. Give your cousin some time. It sounds like you have a good relationship with her to the point where she trusted you to have her back. NTA because clearly you wanted to help her and resolve the situation, but you fumbled the ball. Once she cools off and is willing to talk to you, you should take responsibility for that.
YTA
You got so wrapped up in what you wanted that you lost the plot. You gave him too much to make his confession. Two weeks is about 13 days too long. He wasn’t writing a book report.
The most important thing was for your cousin to know the truth. But you put that second to insisting he be the one to tell her, and giving him two weeks to string her along while you silently covered for him. What you did wasn’t nearly as bad as cheating, but you betrayed her, too.
Kinda YTA. You let her slep with that guy for 2 more weeks, while knowing that he had slept with someone else (unprotected, or else she would not be pregnant). That were 2 weeks that he could have given her a STD or in the worst case impregnant her too (because then she would have to stay with him)
I absolutly see your point, that you wanted him to confess. But you shouldn’t have given him 2 weeks. After the first date or after two days, you should have told your cousin.
Now, appologice to your cousin that you waited so long and that while meaning well, it was not the right thing to do. And ask how she would prefer for you to adress such an issue if you have any other friend some day in the future in her shoes (to show that you want to learn from that experience – could help to heal your relationship. And maybe that she can reflect on the topic herself and how she would handle that)