Am I the asshole for not wanting to be in my parents wedding renewals much less have to pay for new clothes to wear as well as ceremonial gifts they are asking for???? My parents have always had a dysfunctional relationship for as long as I can remember. I am now in my late 20’s and although I have a good relationship with each of them individually I do not believe they should be together. Long story short my parents are constantly "divorcing" and by this I mean at least 4-5 times a year (this is not an exageration and it happens every year) they get into massive arguments that always ends up with my mother running away either to Mexico or Spain or a family members house where she’s "awaiting" to file for divorce because she just can’t stand my father anymore. There’s been so many times where I’ve had to sit through each of them emotionally off loading about the other person in such a tense way (I’ve since set better boundaries around this). Growing up they were constantly separating as well only to end up back together in a couple of weeks. THIS IS A REALLY BAD PATTERN and in reality caused a lot of instability and dysfunction to my siblings and myself. In the heat of arguments they would often be nasty to us as well and if they were in a bad mood it would constantly dictate their attitude towards us. They were highly neglectful due to being over consumed by their relationship as well. They were recently living in different houses since they were "separated" but ofccc still acting like they are together. Sooo very randomly and sporadic my mom announced that they are getting back together for real this time and that they are having wedding renewals in 2 weeks. Ooooh and also she wants me to buy a $200 suit for my partner to wear and she keeps linking me dresses that are between $150-200 since she wants me to wear a specific color. I politely let her know I was not going to purchase the exact clothes she had linked me but would find something that resembled it as close as possible in a different price point. She thankfully reacted well (you never know she might explode and guilt you). Well now she linked me a $70 gold plated rosary that is meant to be put over the couple as part of the ceremony and is asking for my partner and I to purchase it and do this part of the ceremony. I know $70 is not a lot buuuut the cherry on top is my partner was recently let go from his job and I have shared with her the struggle of being on a single income. oh my gosh, am I the bad daughter here? I really just want to say I dont agree with any of this and really barely want to attend, but to have to be part of the ceremony when I dont think they should be together and on top of that drop $400 from one week to the other????
NTA and they shouldn’t be involving you in their shit. Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you’re a bad person even though they will make you feel that way.
NTA, but please use paragraphs.
100% OP, big blocks of text suck to read. Please reformat this with paragraphs. And NTA
NTA 2 weeks isn’t enough time to plan for their faux wedding extravaganza.
NTA get therapy and set boundaries. You’re the adult in the room. I’m so sorry
NTA your parents are TA. Vowel renewals are a red flag. They will be divorced in a year.
Nta. “No, Mom, it’s not in our budget to contribute to this event.” If this is important to her, she can pay for it herself.
Tying the decision to finances isn’t necessary or wise. “No, thank you” is all that needs be said.
They expect you to spend money on them after all the drama they put you through? Oy. And a rosary? Are they Catholic or something? I have never heard of anything like this. NTA, but your parents sound kind of awful. Sorry you have to go through this.
NTA. Don’t bother buying anything. They likely won’t make it to the vow renewal, and if they do you don’t need to be part of it.
NTA of course. If they would like you to share in the event, AND if you would like to attend, wear whatever you want. If you don’t want to go, and I can see ample reason for that, don’t go. Say so outright or come up with an alibi: it’s OK. And if she insists that you can only go if you wear her regalia and bring tribute, that will. make it all the easier not to go. Gold-plated rosary? No. Just no.
Chaos Fatigue. That all sounds exhausting.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to take the next turn on their relationship roundabout.
You are an adult now. You can simply step off.
Don’t be surprised if they are hurt though. It is going to feel very invalidating to not have their usual audience or for their circumstances to no longer be important enough to impact others. Everything use to be *so* important and serious! Whether parents divorce or repair the relationship had direct impact on their children enormously and now it holds next to nothing in terms of impact. Their perspective on who is right or wrong is suddenly meaningless to anyone but themselves.
Let them continue their theatre and be their own audience for once. You can catch the next show if you want to, assuming you want to invest the money or energy.
NTA
“Mom, I’m confused… You know that we are having a bit of a financial struggle right now. Unless this is a way of you offering to buy these things and gift them to us (in which case, I would prefer that you were just straightforward about it), it is coming across that you only want us there if we spend money that we simply don’t have the budget for. So I guess the question is whether you want *us* there or not. If you want us there, then you need to respect my financial situation, let me figure out what we can do within our budget and accept whatever the result is. If you only want us there if we can live up to your vision, then we will have to respectfully decline your invitation.”
NTA. People who are hosting events get to determine the level of formality of the dress code, not the exact outfits that their guests wear. They don’t get to dictate what presents they would like to receive… In fact, other than showers (where the entire point is to shower with presents), people are supposed to pretend that they don’t care whether they are going to receive any presents at all
BTW, an invitation is not a summons. I personally would try to set a boundary first and only decline the invitation if she continued to try to evade the boundary, but you’re not an AH if you decline to participate at all
By the sounds of it they might even be “divorcing” again before the renewal.
You have a few options. You can:
1. Suck it up and do as they ask.
2. Tell them you are attending but cannot afford new clothes or a gift as you and your partner are barely making ends meet and this is very short notice.
3. Tell them that you do not support their getting back together and you won’t be attending.
Each of these comes with its own set of consequences. You have to figure out what you can live with, and how much drama and potential damage to the relationship between you and your mum/dad that may occur. Only you know what you what, what you can live with, and what you are willing to risk.
NTA & I honestly don’t blame you for not wanting to spend all that money. Or for not supporting it in general.