Hello, this is my first post here. I need to clear something up that is bothering me.
My GF will often wake me up on the weekend early in the morning to ask me to come places with her (family events, shopping, random outings etc.) with no prior explanation or notice when she knows I haven’t slept very long or have had a long work week. I’m normally expected to say yes to this, or she will be unhappy with me.
Today she flew up out of bed early and answered a phone call from her grandma’s friend who said her grandma was unwell and wasn’t sure if she needed to be taken to hospital, (I live in the UK, emergency call outs are free if things are very bad), and asked my GF to go over. Let me be clear, her grandma is not very old (mid 60’s) and this isn’t one of those situations where we may not see her again, and prior to this, she was very well.
I have recently been off work advised to rest as I’ve just had shoulder surgery and I’d probably slept like 5.5-6 hours at this point. My GF goes to bed earlier than me, so she had maybe 8.5 hours. I’m usually chronically sleep deprived due to sleep trouble, so when I can sleep, it’s quite important to me.
My GF asked if I wanted to come to her grandmas house, essentially just to “be” there, and then also come to the hospital or wherever else if need be. This “ask” didn’t have a choice though, as open as it seemed, I’m expected to say yes. I said “not really as me being there wouldn’t benefit the situation and in my state I’m quite useless”, and my GF was very unhappy with this, and expected me to wake up at the drop of a hat and go.
AITA for this? If it were me and it was my family situation, I would go alone unless I physically couldn’t as I am now with my shoulder (can’t drive). There’s no point putting someone else out if I don’t need to, and I definitely wouldn’t just expect it as a given – that’s my view.
Thanks.
NTA
Nta this is a power move. It’s never going to be better if you marry her
NAH
In THIS situation, your gf wanted support from you but like you said it doesn’t seem like end of life (but you never know!) and she just wanted you there. However the rest of the time it seems like your gf is more of a “last minute” rather than planning person. You need to have a conversation about this with her. Waking you up for tasks she can complete on her own isn’t acceptable, she should let you sleep as much as possible. But you also need to get your sleep in order because it’s not good to have such bad sleeping habits.
Nta, there is not way I would go if someone would just wake me up and tell me to go someplace with them.
NTA your girlfriend sounds more spontaneous than you. But you guys need to talk about expectations. And it’s not ok for her to be mad at you anytime you don’t do what she wants.
NTA – sleep is vital for life. Deprivation, especially long periods of inconsistent sleep, can cause many short and long term health issues.
There will be situations where you should sacrifice sleep to be there and this isn’t one of them.
I’d try to communicate with her at a time when you’re both in a rational state of mind
Okay, my initial verdict was N T A, because if you wake me up to trail around after you when you’re shopping, then it will be ill-received.
But if this is a situation where she was worried about her grandmother, and wanted your support, that’s a very different proposition. Your title is misleading, but NAH as you’re recovering from surgery.
You’re crabby because you’re overtired and recovering from surgery, which is likely why you’re conflating her need for support when her grandmother is ill with her desire for you to go shopping with her.
That said, she’s potentially TA for not respecting your sleep at other times/for being p/a about wishing you wouldn’t stay up so late. Be honest—are you staying up playing video games and then waking her when you come to bed? Are you two not having sex because you won’t come to bed at the same time she does? I don’t think it’s just about the shopping trips.
This sounds like incompatibility to me. I’m like you, and I never get sleep during the work week so I need to sleep in on the weekends. I could not have a partner that was waking me up early daily after I’ve had half the sleep they’ve had and expecting me to go places. If I am going to go do something, I need to know in advance so I can plan accordingly. Maybe you can compromise and tell her being woken up to go somewhere – no. Being told the night before – yes. And then maybe compromise where instead of you waking up at 9 to leave the house, you agree to leave and go do stuff around 11 or whatever. That way you still go places with her, but it’s more adjusted to your schedule.
NAH for this specific instance. She was probably stressed about her grandma and felt your presence would help her, and it’s not horrible of her to ask. You’re also fine to say no, though it sounds like maybe could work on your delivery.
You don’t give a lot of information about how specifically she reacts, just that you’re “expected to say yes” and she gets “very unhappy.” As the wife of a loving husband who is very averse to conflict: it’s okay for her to be unhappy and even express that unhappiness. It’s also okay for you to say no anyway. Doesn’t make either of you TAH, just means you’re experiencing some conflict that needs to be worked through.
You indicate this is a trend, and I’m wondering if she thinks it’s okay to keep asking because you often say yes just to avoid conflict with her. If you’re downplaying her anger and she’s screaming at you or threatening to leave you, then she would be TAH. Otherwise this just sounds like a communication breakdown.
NTA and I would suggest, if you plan to have a long relationship with this girl, to add her relatives to your contacts, so they know you better and understand your reasons. Let me explain better: your gf seems to be demanding but doesn’t mean all her family behaves the same way. If you could send a WhatsApp to her grandma, she would know that you care for her and you could tell her about your shoulder. Probably neither grandma wants you hanging in her house and would appreciate better a short message or a bouquet of flowers.
Regarding the other times she has asked you, well you will have to “teach” her. All couples have differences and is each one of us responsibility to mark our limits. Like this, you will have to start saying no, and telling her she has to inform you in advance so you can prepare yourself and decide if you want to join.
NTA because it’s a bit of a boy who cried wolf situation , she’s done it too often now that you’ve reached your breaking point.
Slight AH only on the fact that it was a sick relative. My grandma was old but healthy and one day we were supposed to go shopping but she had a bit of a stomach flu (or so she said) so we cancelled… she died 12h later. So you can’t guarantee that it’s not the last time you’ll see her…
So your girlfriend asked you to come with her to check on her well grandma who may need to be hospitalised? This was just an inconvenience to you? YTA
Plus, I think probably you’re incompatible or at least at different stages in your relationship. Like it would be given to think my long term partner was going to come to be there with me in a family emergency. But if you hadn’t met the grandma before it would be different.
NTA. You deserve the time to rest and heal.