Hi everyone,
I’m looking for some honest, unbiased opinions on my situation.
I live in France, I’m a salaried worker, a new father, and I’m preparing for my wedding which already comes with a lot of expenses. Life in Paris is expensive, so I try to save consistently every month.
I want to be clear, I’m not against helping my family. I actually enjoy doing things for them, and they’ve always been great to me. My issue isn’t the help itself, it’s the timing and how often it happens without warning.
Here’s what has been happening:
Last month, my sister asked me to contribute 50/50 for a phone for my mother. The phone was around €700, so I sent €350.
This month, she wants to offer our mother a trip to Dubai on December and asked me to contribute to her spending money. I understand the intention! Our mother has been feeling down lately, so the idea of a trip makes sense. But honestly, a trip like that should be planned 2–3 months in advance, especially if you’re asking someone else to pitch in.
On top of that, my brother study in Canada. He asked me 2 months ago for 500 CAD because his roommate didn’t pay his share. I don’t really blame him; it was a genuine emergency. So I helped.
Meanwhile, I recently had to buy furniture and equipment for my new apartment, which was also expensive.
The result? For three months straight, I haven’t been able to save properly. Almost nothing, actually.
Again, I’m not complaining about helping. I’m happy to support my family when I can.
But I feel like they drop things on me without warning, as if I had unlimited resources when in reality, I’m just a normal salaried guy with responsibilities, not someone who makes huge money.
So my question is is it unreasonable for me to ask for more notice and set some boundaries?
Not to say no but simply: Let me know in advance, and I’ll help within what I can afford, without sacrificing my own savings and stability.
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
Nta, explain to them that you’re struggling financially, hopefully they’ll be more understanding of your situation and don’t pressure you for money
Your mother doesn’t need a trip to Dubai just because she’s “been feeling down lately” that’s ridiculous. Give her a trip somewhere cheaper and closer to home if she really needs it, or some therapy or chocolate.
NTA. I’d only give cash or help out with actual needed life expenses, like a loan (tell me it was a loan to your brother) for rent, or if your mom needed the new phone. Holidays are a want not a necessity, if you can’t comfortably afford it, then the sensible answer is no. Never set yourself on fire to keep anyone else warm.
NTA first of all.
I think if you start saying things like “great idea, I will save for that” or “I don’t have the money for that right now but I could do it in March” or “I just did blah for my new baby so I don’t have it right now”, so that your family realises you are not sitting on a pot of money that you can just pull out of.
It is probably that they just haven’t realised and you always help – a couple of small comments like that should nudge them. If it doesn’t they are just being selfish and grasping and you need to be more direct and say “sorry, no, I have a new young family right now”
Ne pas pouvoir épargner pendant 3 mois n’est pas très grave.
Etre considéré comme la vache à lait de ta famille l’est plus, surtout avec une famille à toi et un nouveau-né.
Tu ne devrais pas demander que ta famille te prévienne “plus à l’avance” de toutes les dépenses qu’ils décident de faire et auxquelles ils décident que tu dois participer, tu dois fixer comme limite qu’ils te CONSULTENT plusieurs mois avant pour que tu donnes ou non ton accord pour participer à leurs dépenses. Ils n’ont pas à décider que LEURS décisions va te coûter telle somme
Le téléphone à 700 euros me tue, je suis cadre et mon tel a coûté 160 euros je n’en ai jamais eu un aussi cher de toute ma vie. Quant au voyage à Dubai” parce que maman est un peu déprimée” c’est une aberration.
Il semble que tu sois coincé dans une dynamique familiale où on te culpabilise d’avoir des revenus corrects, et où tu as été élevé pour servir d’ATM à ta famille pour les remercier d’être gentils.
C’est très toxique.
Of course not. NTA. Indeed, it’s necessary.
Depression is not cured by luxury. If your sister wants to treat your mother that is on her shoulders to finance. Tell her that her request is unreasonable snd you will not be contributing.
Your brother needs to learn to deal with his roommate (demanding money/reporting him/kicking him out/moving) and his landlord (reporting issues, requesting separate tenancies) rather than turning to you for a bail out.
You being the reliable one everyone turns to to finance the solutions to the inconveniences of life is a fool’s game. You think they’d do it for you but test that. Tell your sister your wife has been down and you need to€400 to take her to Turkey first some sun and relaxation. Tell your brother you are short on your rent and need €200. Tell your mom you need a more reliable phone and are €300 short. Report back what happens there.
You are the ‘one who has it together’ and help will be slow and reluctant if it appears at all.
Step out of that. Care is one thing, financier is another.
NTA for wanting notice, but honestly y.t.a. to yourself for accepting to be their personal ATM all the time. A trip to Dubai: not a necessity! A new phone for €700: not a necessity!
You wrote, that you have a baby. This is where your money should go to. To your child and their future. Your mother, your sister, your brother are all adults. They should figure out their own finances without asking you constantly to fund their lives and their luxuries.
Helping in emergencies, as it was with your brother and his rent, is different of course. But everything else should be on them.
If you let people treat you like an ATM, don’t be surprised that they use you like an ATM.
NTA – Boundries are fine! Saying “NO” sometimes is also fine! You have a new family and home to take care of, you need to learn to say “no”, not just “later”! A trip because you’re feeling sad isn’t a necessity, mom can go another time when she can afford it.
“No” is a complete sentence. She asked, you don’t want to, so say that. It’s different when it’s an emergency (and your brother is paying you back, right?)
Learn to say NO, and priorize your own family (partner + kids)!
NTA you should not ask for more notie, you should say NO.
And: When you pay for mom’s trips to dubai, that comes at the cost fo your own family.
“Sorry, I’m actually short on money myself this month.”
Repeat as needed.
You said you’re a new father? YTA to this child for giving all your money away. Your sister and mother are using you as an ATM bank. Stop helping your extended family and show respect to your immediate family. So what if you mother has been feeling down lately. She’s an adult and can get over it without sponging a holiday off her children.
YWNBTA if you set some boundaries.
One method that serves me well: Decide in advance how much you can afford to use to help family. Then set aside that much money every month into a separate account. When the ask, see what’s in that account and if it’s empty? “sorry, I can’t afford that this month”
YTA. Start showing respect to your immediate family, your partner and child. Stop giving your extended family money. You’re not a bank. They’re taking advantage of you and you obviously don’t realise it. Your mother does not need a holiday to Dubai just because she’s a bit sad. 🙄