I (33F) have known my stepmother for almost twenty years. My parents divorced when I was in junior high school, and my dad remarried a few years later. I was never hostile to her. I’ve always tried to be respectful, polite, and keep the peace for the family.
But over the years, she has made constant passive-aggressive comments toward me, always subtle, always with a smile, and only when my dad wasn’t around.
For context, because yes it relates to this story, I’m a lesbian and am now married to my wife (28 F)
Things like:
implying I’m “confused” about my sexuality
telling me my wife is “just a phase” at first
making jokes about “real families”
implying I’m dramatic or sensitive whenever I confronted her privately about something she said
making digs about me not having kids yet
whispering comments and then denying them when I call her out
She does this without fail every holiday, every barbecue, every birthday dinner.
My dad has never believed me when I bring it up. My stepmother would play sweet, confused, and hurt in front of him. My step brothers (22M and 25M) used to be like younger siblings to me, but over time they’ve bought into the “I’m the sensitive one who overreacts” narrative.
Fast forward to this weekend. We were having an early Thanksgiving because we (wife and I) and my paternal grandparents are going out of town around the 26th.
My wife was helping in the kitchen with my siblings, and my stepmom cornered me in the living room. She made some crack about how my wife is “basically the woman in the relationship,” and how it’s such a relief that my stepbrother is giving my dad “his first real grandchild.”
I just snapped.
I told her she has been treating me like trash for years, hiding behind a fake smile, and that she was lucky I stayed quiet for as long as I did. I told her I was done taking her crap and pretending she was some innocent angel. I told her to keep my marriage and sexuality out of her mouth ever again.
I didn’t yell, but I definitely wasn’t gentle.
She burst into tears and ran to my dad saying I “attacked her out of nowhere.”
My dad immediately demanded I apologize. I refused and left.
Now:
My dad isn’t speaking to me
My two stepbrothers have blocked me
My stepmother is apparently “traumatized”
BUT
My wife
My 1/2 siblings (mom and stepdads kids)
My mom and step dad
AND my paternal grandparents
…all say I did the right thing and that they’re proud of me for finally standing up for myself.
Now I feel guilty because it was Thanksgiving, and i love my dad, and I miss my stepbrothers, even though I don’t regret what I said. I don’t feel that I’m the asshole but am I?
Next time you see her coming, hit record on your phone.
I am going to do this if there is a next time, as it stands now, we won’t be seeing them until I apologize which isn’t happening.
NTA but in the age of smartphones you should start recording these interactions.
Does *no one* think to record these things? I mean, everyone carries palm-sized computers/audio recording/cameras around nowadays.
The thing is my wife did record her doing this once at an amusement park but it was written off as her being overstimulated. That was the first time she did it with people around ( my wife and my step brothers then fiancée) my wife happened to have her phone out on the animal safari ride in Walt Disney world and caught it.
Unfortunately a clear recording isn’t going to help your case. If your dad won’t give you the benefit of the doubt on just your word, he’ll be able to explain any recording away. Limit your contact with these people for your own peace.
It’s too bad you weren’t prepared to audio tape her. NTA in any way.
NTA. And frankly, your dad is just as massive an AH as your stepmom is. I understand the value of trying to smooth things over for the sake of “family”, but you would also be well within your rights if you decided to go NC with that part of your family. They aren’t treating you like family, so you’re under zero obligation to do the same.
NTA. When it comes to you, dad didn’t hear it so it didn’t happen but when it comes to her, he believes what she says. Dad should have been standing up for his kid a long time ago so you wouldn’t have to come to this. I’d double down and say I’m not coming to Christmas unless she apologizes for her behavior over the years and not a “I’m sorry you feel that way” apology either.
NTA but I’m not sure why you’ve never recorded her behavior if she doesn’t do it when others are around.
I’d have told her she’s obviously projecting, she’s obviously in the closet and her marriage to your dad is “just a phase”
NTA. She’s got issues, and your dad is a pu55y for never believing you or defending you.
You go girl! NTA! But your dad, stepmom and stepbrothers? Oh yeah they’re out there winning awards for AHs of the year! Keep standing up for yourself and your wife. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t cave and apologize. You can’t change them or their behavior but you can change your reaction to it and you did. You do not have to “keep the peace” and stand idly by while someone (even family… especially family) mistreats you. And anyone that expects you to take one for the team? They’re an AH.
The people that actually care about you said you did the right thing. Why are you asking Reddit? Trust them. You’re good. NTA.
If your dad doesn’t believe you, he’s made his choice. You deserve better. NTA