I, (20F), am going to my dream college in the United States of America. I transferred from a community college. I met my would be roommate, Alice, (18F), and we hit it off. Originally, I was supposed to be living in the dorm with her for my first year, when, I found out that I was actually commuting for the first semester, (i have a disability that makes it hard for me to do daily living skills and my parents thought it was best that I commute first since i had just transferred from a community college, and this was a big change for me). At first, I was against it, but then, I agreed to commute just for the semester. I was so excited as well, but I understand why I have to commute. I told Alice, and I explained to her that because of my disability, I would have to commute for the semester. She said, “oh, ok”, and she hasn’t talked to me since. I feel like such a jerk, but my parents said I did the right thing. So, AITA for telling my would-be-roommate I can’t live in the dorm anymore?
Edit: I am also commuting since it’s an hour away from my house, and community college is different than a four year college. I think another reason is so that I can get acclimated, since this is a big change for me.
not the asshole, life happens, and you gotta do what’s best for you. if she’s mad, that’s on her. she’ll find another roommate.
It is understandable why Alice would be upset. You had made friends with her and she was looking forward to rooming with you. You changed your mind so she probably had to scramble for a new (potentially unpleasant) roommate. Are you actually better off living at home and commuting? Or would it have been a great growth opportunity for you to live in a dorm that you chose to miss out on due to parental pressure? You are 20 years old after all; time to make your own decisions. Anyway, unfortunate situation but I don’t see either of you as an asshole. NAH
Thank you so much! I agree, and I feel really bad about it! I understand, if I was in her situation, I would be mad too. However, I am just commuting for the semester to just get acclimated. I do agree with you tho! I wanna start being independent, I do agree
NAH It’s understandable that she’d get upset, especially if it’s the style of dorm where there are 2 beds per room. It’s also completely understandable that you would commute instead. I’d suggest explaining to her why it’s better for you to live at home and commute if you haven’t already (and are comfortable doing so).
YTA
Hiding behind your parents makes you the AH. YOU changed your mind and left her hanging. Not your parents.
ASnd: YOu are 20, not 12. Time to let go of mom’s skirttail and to pretend you are an adult. If you are not ready to live alone at 20, when will you be?
Your parents are major AHs, denying you the chance to grow up. They push you down and keep you small so they can keep you under their control – they don’t trust you, and they don’t believe in you.
nta your life. be well
I think this is completely dependent on you. Did you back out because you truly believe your disability would make it too difficult to live on your own or did your parents get in your head and convince you so? I’m disabled and understood dorm life would never be for me. Between chronic pain and a whole host of other issues, I couldn’t handle dorm life.
I will not offer judgment but you need to take a deeper look into your motivations and evaluate how much you can truly take on.
NTA.
HOWEVER, she is also entitled to feeling upset and maybe even betrayed.
Having lived in dorms myself, I can tell you this first hand, finding a good roommate that you not only get along with, but matches your values, rules for the dorm, does their part in keeping things clean is obscenely rare and chances are you’ve just dropped her into a crap show unfortunately.
But, it’s your life, your decision, it doesn’t make you an AH but, again, she’s entitled to feel frustrated by the situation. She made a new friend that she felt was a good fit for a roommate and now, all of a sudden, you back out, and she has to scramble to find someone else who will more likely than not be awful.
Either way, congrats and good luck in your higher education!
NTA! You made the best choice for you. If she’s a real friend, she would not only understand your decision, but do what she could to help you out.
Thank you so much!
I mean, she’s not a real friend because you guys don’t actually know each other very well yet. You never had time to become friends in the first place. It doesn’t really reflect poorly on her imo. You can and should do what’s best for you (which may not be the same as what your parents want) but that doesn’t mean she’s doing anything wrong either.
NTA. The asshole thing to do would be to not say anything to her and wait for her to find out from the RA or whatever the equivalent at your dorm is.
NTA. You were right to tell her. Her reaction is her own. Maybe reach out and tell her you would like to be friends?