okay, so I (13F) and my best friend (14F) are really close. (british high school btw). we have sets, and we’re both in top set but separate classes. she recently moved to my class due to personal reasons, and everything was going great.
so it’s science; i’m not too bothered, science is fine. but my friend, one of her special interests is chemistry! i didn’t mind too much.. obviously.
she’s also very close with the science teacher (COMPLETELY PLATONIC ((i can elaborate if needed))), so because of this we were sat next to each other, which again is completely fine and i get that change can usually be very very hard for a neurodivergent individual.
so; we’re studying chemistry. atomic structure and isotopes, her favourite chemistry subject.
(for background info, in primary school i did have mild-touching on serious anger issues. however, i have gotten over it.)
so – we’re sat at the back of the classroom. i’m not very tall, so im already shifting from side to side to try read what’s on the board, which has me a little frustrated, but it’s fine. i was a bit frustrated before this aswell – all through formtime my friend (im just going to say Gemma for ease) would stop saying things like ‘did you know we have science?!’. like okay, she’s excited, i was expecting it. it was fine the first 2-3 times, but Gemma really wouldn’t stop repeating it.
we leave a couple minutes early from form (our school allows certain individuals to leave classes about two minutes early to avoid crowds) and we both have that. and so this is where we start: me shifting to read the board, etc etc.
then the stims: (yes i completely get that you can’t control them, hence why i feel like an ahole, but i’ll carry on) the hand flaps, the tapping my shoulder when it’s something particular. that’s fine.
then it’s another science lesson. and another.. and flaunting how she did stuff first and how she’s studying GCSE + a-level chemistry (i am very proud, but god she keeps repeating it.) and i’m getting kinda annoyed. i’m starting to struggle with frustration a bit (im keeping it to myself, of course) but it’s really starting to grate.
AITA? (tips to deal with it are also very welcome)
No you’re not ta. You’re a great friend for putting up with all her “things”- for lack of a better term. You can’t control what annoys you- you can only control how you react to it. And you’re handling it very well.
I understand feeling like the a-hole in this situation. I’m sorry you’re struggling so much
I think it’s time to have a mature, honest conversation with your friend. It’ll be difficult but say things along the lines of “some of things you say and do are starting to affect me mentally and I would really appreciate it if you didn’t do x/y/z, or tried to redirect the uncontrollable things so they don’t impact me as much” giving examples with how they make you feel.
I might be wrong here and I might get roasted by others. just to add context to my approach here, I don’t personally know anyone who stims in an obvious way
I would be frustrated by someone repeatedly tapping me and saying the same things multiple times, especially when I was younger and at school I would be quite annoyed by it. If I was in a lesson that I was trying to focus on I can’t even imagine what my face would have been saying.
To me you are NTA! Your feelings are valid, you can’t always control what annoys you. You are being incredibly understanding of who your friend is!
I am empathic and understanding that a lot of what she’s doing is likely uncontrollable but if you guys don’t have an open and honest conversation about what bothers you, when it bothers you, and what can/can’t be changed the building frustration could ruin the friendship. And I don’t want that for you guys, you’re teenagers, friends are important. But relationships of any kind have to be healthy and balanced
It’s possible the conversation won’t go smoothly but even if it doesn’t just keep being open, honest, mature, and understanding. Keep communication friendly and the friendship can get back to what it was
Can you talk to your teacher about moving your seat? Just let them know you have a hard time seeing the board. That way you can be moved away from but still be friends with Gemma. It will help a little.
i have thought about this but our seating plan is based off of our test scores: the further to the back the better you did. my teacher is also neurodivergent and since im not actually ‘blind’ im not too sure she’ll be fond of the change too : ( i do have another test coming up though so ill probably move away. chemistry is not my strongest
Can you talk to your teacher privately and asked to be sat somewhere else in the classroom? Like maybe say that you just need to be away from Gemma because she distracts you? And being near the front of the class helps you not be distracted?
Maybe you can tell Gemma that her asking you the same thing repeated times is distracting during class … and that you know she likes to stim, but if she taps you during class, that’s also distracting so could she try not to do that?
Or don’t bring the friend into it & just say they can’t see the board!
NTA at all. I think annoyance at these kinds of things fluctuate. We’re fine for a while, and then annoyance builds up, and then it goes away again, then builds up, in waves. You might just need to ride the waves. I work with an autistic student and she asks me the same two or three questions every day, Sometimes multiple times a day. I respond politely every single time because I know she’s just excited to talk to me and this is one of her go to ways to do that because she struggles with conversation. But I still get annoyed sometimes at having to repeat simple answers.
I also tell my student it’s okay to take breaks from friends if they’re overwhelming us. It may hurt your friend for a bit, but I don’t think it would be wrong of you to ask to change seats for a little while. Just assure her you’re still friends and that this break doesn’t mean you’re ditching her, it just means you are meeting your needs for a little bit. Hopefully she can understand how important that is. You can even ask your teacher to move you and you can come up with an excuse together so your friend doesn’t have to know you’re wanting space. This can help if you think she’s going to be really upset by telling her you want to move.
NAH
As someone with ADHD, autism, AND anger issues, I sympathize with both sides. So far it seems like you haven’t acted or spoken harshly which is great! That means you aren’t an asshole. You clearly understand your friend’s needs and genuinely support her which I love. However, that does not negate your needs for your own mental health. I think the next step to take is to have a calm conversation about your struggles with your friend. No expectations of her resisting stimming, but workshopping solutions together. Neurodivergent people often struggle with knowing when people get upset with them, so communication is key here.
it’s always hard to tell someone you care about something that is not flattering. However it’s starting to put a strain on your friendship. She’s really not going to understand why you’re pulling away from her. Especially when you’re NOT in class. You’ll be wanting to get space from her. But you can do this gently and respectfully. But not if you wait much longer.
You’re going to get to the point where you’ve had enough and you’ll say something you wish you hadn’t. Sit down one on one with her in a no stress environment. Tell her clearly how proud you are to be her friend. How amazing it is to watch her work in class. However you’re the one person she doesn’t need to keep telling. Tell her you can see how excited she is and you are too it’s just the constant exuberance is exhausting. Be soft and gentle and kind. Save your friendship.
NAH
Option 1)
If it’s only been a day, give it a week and see if her excitement mellows down, which will likely reduce the verbal repetition and the stimming.
Option 2)
Tell Gemma that you value her friendship, but need to sit separately from her to be able to focus on the class. Tell the teacher the same.
Option 3)
Tell Gemma you value her friendship, but might need to sit in a different seat to be able to focus. Ask if SHE wants to try to work it out for a week, first.
Suggestions:
– moving the seats a few inches farther apart so it’s not as easy to touch each other.
– hand signals for pause/time out, stop, “I need 5 minutes no noise,” and “you said that already.”
– (Or maybe a colored piece of paper or flag, instead of hand signals.)
I bet you can come up with more ideas, especially if you ask Gemma and your teacher for ideas.
If you guys try to sort it out for a week but it doesn’t work, no hard feelings. If I need dim light to avoid migraines, but someone else needs bright lighting so they can speak ASL, neither of us are being ableist. We just have conflicting needs in order to access a space. Same for you and Gemma.
Good luck!
There’s no conflict? Just tell her your botherd
Sims are controlled but they are used to self regulate so is they stop stiming they might get really anxious but you can ask them to try different stims like fidget or try to calm them down or go for a walk together so they can calm down