So I’m currently in UK college and I started a relationship with a classmate who I’ll call James, James had very similar interests to me so we started a relationship quickly. The only place we could be ourselves was at James’ house and his mom seemed okay with this. She seemed very friendly and a way better parent than I had, but James seemed to act very spoiled when it came to interacting with her. There was a time when James said I couldn’t come around anymore since, according to him, his mom didn’t trust me, when his mom actually let me come around she claimed she just wanted to know my name and age, I responded to this by showing my ID, which seemed as if everything was fine after. I was hurt at the fact James couldn’t just tell his mom my name and gender.
Then later, the same thing happened, James claimed that I couldn’t be seen with him anymore and couldn’t come over, I responded to this by ending the relationship. I said "I feel shackled and I can’t thrive in a relationship like this and we can try again when I get my own place", he responded denying trying again. Then he kept messaging me daily acting as if everything was okay, I still loved this man and he didn’t see the issue of me talking to someone I couldn’t have daily, so I acted mean and stand-offish. Which eventually resulted in me blocking him on everything. I blocked him because I felt emotionally stuck and hurt, but now I feel guilty about how harsh I was. AITA?
NTA. Just young. That too shall pass.
NTA. It seems like he misled you in regards to what his mom was saying about you. He didn’t even want to be in a relationship, saying he felt shackled. Don’t ever think you’re the ahole for breaking things off if they aren’t working out.
I was the one who said I felt shackled
You’re not the AH for protecting your own feelings and setting boundaries. It sounds like you tried to communicate and gave chances, but it just wasn’t working for you. Taking space to heal is okay.
NTA. He can’t have it both ways.
NTA. He treated you harshly, not the other way around. He obviously has things he needs to work out within himself before he’s ready to be in a relationship.
I suggest keeping him blocked and move on in your studies and personal life. You’ll meet someone on your level one of these days, but you may not be available for them if you continue to let James rent space in your head for free. Maybe you will be friends in the future, who knows. What I do know is that holding on to people who are emotionally unavailable will only hurt you in the end. Be kind to yourself and remember, you are worthy of a partner who doesn’t play games with your heart. You’re a person, not a deck of cards. I wish you well.
Hey dude! So, live and learn but this is not what healthy communication and a healthy relationship looks like. You’ll want to develop those skills, as one of the queer dude superpowers is being friends with your exes and rejecting the toxic heteronormative bullshit all these poor people in the world have to go through.
So: use your words. “I’m ending our relationship, I’m sorry it didn’t work out. Let’s take a break from each other for a bit so we can both move on, but I’d be interested in reconnecting as friends later on. Thanks for the great experiences.”
Even in the most massive cities, it’s a small scene.
(I wouldn’t date someone who’s not on great terms with their exes, it’s one of the biggest green flags around. Shows you have good judgement in partners, healthy boundaries, good communication skills, low insecurity and jealousy, and good conflict resolution skills.)
This doesn’t seem like a case of AH, more like a case of James not being entirely comfortable with who he is. You guys are still young and he could still be struggling with accepting who he is and how he feels. Space is what is definitely needed.