I (26M) am the eldest of four siblings – Liam(17M), Rose(23F) and May(20F). I lost my father six years ago, and it was hard on all of us, but it didn’t seem to crush anyone as bad as my mother. It was brutal, she didn’t last long without him. With no one else taking care of us, I took a part time job until I graduated and then joined my campus placement instead of masters like I always wanted to. We managed, since Rose joined a good local college which was government funded so the fees were not too high and the FD our father started for her wedding managed to pay for the whole degree. There was still a bit left, I used it along with what I myself started saving for her to pay for her wedding. She found a good guy – respectful, kind, smart, hardworking, stable job – the kind who could take good care of her and loved her. Of course we all loved him, he was her dream guy and the kind our father would approve of. All was well.
Now, May brought this guy home, and informed us she plans to marry him. Soon. He has no promise of graduating this year either (he should have done so last year) and is receiving pocket money from parents. He doesn’t have a job and isn’t managing to get a stable one either. I wouldn’t be so wary if May was trustworthy, but she isn’t. She is no position to manage interviews and a job, neither are her grades good enough to push her into masters. I told her this is not a good idea but she is in no mood to listen. Her argument is that Rose was her age when I got her married. I told her Rose landed most interviews she tried and managed our household finances to a good extent by herself, she was ready for it. May isn’t. She isn’t listening to me. She said "Fine. Hate him all you want, don’t give us your permission or blessing. Just pay and get done with it." I said I won’t pay for her wedding because
1. I hardly have the money – I used up all the money our father set aside for her future into her college fees and my FD hasn’t matured yet
2. Even if I were to break it or take a loan, it’s an unwise decision on her part that I don’t support
3. I’m trying to save up for my kids’ futures and such a big expense is not the way to do so
4. Medical bills are draining my income as is and paying for her wedding will be taxing
I know it’s not fair since I paid for Rose’s wedding, but I didn’t have to spend that much on her college since it was a very good one and could use some of that fund in the wedding, not to mention Rose herself helped managed finances and she saved us a good bit, which is why I could pay for her, I didn’t and don’t have a lumpsum liquid cash lying around.
So, AITA?
NTA. There’s a reason you’re in charge and not the one marrying a degreeless unemployed loafer at 21. You’re doing what’s best for her, even if she’s too myopic to know it. Withholding the funds may also encourage a long “engagement” and she might get sick of this freeloader. Maybe he’s the one trying to pressure her into marriage for some access to easy cash.
Thanks, I really needed to hear that. And you’re right, that’s one of the reasons I’m wary about this marriage.
NTA, just because you paid for one kids wedding doesn’t mean you have to pay for the others, my mom paid for my sisters wedding but wasn’t able to pay for mine. No hard feelings financial wellbeing changes over the years.
NTA. You do not owe it to May to pay for her wedding. “I know it’s not fair since I paid for Rose’s wedding.” The cirrcumstances are different. And you ARE allowed to treat people differently based on their own character and behavior, though remember that you don’t need to try and justify this to May. (After all, nothing you say would be enough, would it?) Just tell her you’re sorry, she can call you an asshole if she wants but you don’t have the money, if she can’t afford to pay for a wedding she can’t afford to marry, and then go on about your life. There is no way in hell you should consider taking out a loan: you are not responsible to pay for all your siblings’ weddings just because you gave Rose that gift.
I feel like I am responsible because I should have her taken care of like our father would have, and I feel guilty about it, but she has many friends and will ask for a big wedding which is too financially hard on me without taking a loan. And this guy can’t take care of himself, let alone her as well, I feel like I should try to stop her from such a rash decision at her age. Thank you for your reassurance, though, I needed that.
You do not have the responsibilities of a paterfamilias. She is your sister, not daughter. Having to pay for her own wedding will help her learn what reasonable expectations for her wedding expenses are, which she will never learn if you foot the bill. And it sounds as if anything you can do to provide friction for their union will be a plus.
NAH,
Is it unfair? A bit. But you’re also not entitled to pay for anything. It’s still your money and you get to decide what to do with it. And they can still get married if they want to for cheap.
But you’re also trying to be her father when you’re her older brother. Be protective but supportive. You can’t really stop them from getting married and if they really want to then your opinion on their financial situation can’t go farther than good-natured advice. You don’t get to tell them anything. You didn’t “get Rose married.” You paid for your sister’s wedding. You have a lot of authority and control here as head of your family but you’re also a young man and your siblings sometimes need a brother more than they need you to be a dad.
INFO: How much of Rose’s wedding did you pay for and how much came from the remains of her college fund from your dad? You said you’d saved some money for Rose’s wedding; did you do the same for May?
Nta.If she would have at least tried to budget for these expenses, she wouldn’t have needed to ask OP to sacrifice his funds to cover her blatant disregard to the costs of her desires.
Tell May if she wants to get married, she can do it, but you are not paying for it. Ask the bf how he is going to be able to support his future wife, because it will be on him. Once they get married, they are on their own, financially. That is what married means in legal terms. Not your job to pay for anything for either of them. It seems they are too stupid to realise that. Even if are smart enough to study at a college, they can be immature and not want to see the reality of their situation clearly. They have some romantic ideas about marriage and weddings. Broke ass students should think about the future, not splurge money they don’t have on something that is basically a luxury. If marriage is what they actually want, they can just get it done cheaply. Tell them they can get married if they want, they are legal adults, but you have no obligation to pay. You are not the parent, so step back and stop doing it. Just be clear on what you are willing and not willing to do.
Yeah, considering the family’s predicament, May and her beau should consider getting married at church/city hall and just invite a tight group to the restaurant.
The quality of their marriage will not be determined by how lavish the wedding was, or was not.
My brother just married at city hall with parents and siblings on both sides, and they had a ceremony a few years down the road, when they could afford it.
NTA parents are not obligated to pay for their children’s weddings. Tell May that yes it is unfair that she no longer has parents and that has required everyone to make sacrifices. As the oldest you have to try to make the best decisions possible to keep things going and paying for her wedding is not one of them.
I would point out to her that you are not preventing her from getting married. She can get married at the courthouse, or if having a fancy wedding matters more her and her fiancé can wait, get jobs and save up the money themselves.
Saving the money to spend on your other siblings education is a much better use of the leftover money.
NTA
Life is unfair. It’s unfair to everybody. Paying for a siblings/childs wedding is a gift, not something they are entitled to. You can choose to have any number of strings attached to that. That’s your call. If she doesn’t want those strings, she’s free to refuse the money. That’s a lesson we all need to learn, and trust me, it’s critical to growth and life planning that we learn early in life that there are no free lunches. There might be emotional repercussions to your ‘strings’ like her anger or the relationship turning cold, but again, that’s a consequence you’ll have to learn to live with if this is the path you choose.
“Go to the courthouse if you want to get married.” Nta