(F17) This happened a few days ago, it was my birthday. Before I left for school everyone forgot. When I came back from school after the bus delayed and I hadn’t eaten all day, I opened the fridge and freezer, there wasn’t much food remaining as we hadn’t went grocery shopping in a while.
Usually I can cook something out of nothing but I felt so drained and had a long assignment to do.
In the freezer my mom made my (12) little sister soup, there was 3 remaining. She eats it once a day. I took one plate and ate it.
My mom discovered it and yelled at me for starving her daughter, and said comments like I love taking food away from her daughter. I apologised and said I don’t want to argue on my birthday.
She ignored me for the rest of the day and my little sister copied her. I spent the whole day stressed and crying after the argument.
My little sister has had a history of restrictive eating particularly last year. My parents have sent her to be seen by various mental health teams.
She thankfully began recovering well recently, and her old self is returning day by day
I’ve had an ED (bulimia) for 5 years nobody is aware. I think my mom saw a splash of throw up one time and yelled at me for eating to much, and told me to clean it properly next time.
I relapsed and began throwing up 3 times a day, so when I ate the soup it was kindve a gift to my self as I wasn’t planning on purging. Which is what hurt me the most about the situation.
I called my older sister (f20 living at uni) and told her abt it and told her to speak to my mom. She told me I need to start being kinder to my mom and got annoyed at me for eating the soup, even after I told her I’ve apologised and asked to speak to my mom a number of times. She even told me to try and buy my mum something to convince her to speak to me.
My little sister only started speaking to me today and I asked her to speak to my mom, when she tried to my mom yelled at her and said “you want to also join her to challenge me”.
My dad stays out of everything, but he’d probably just take her side for peace.
I just don’t think it’s fair that she cooks for my dad, my brother (who is a year older than me 18), my older (when she visits) and little sister but she expects me to figure something out.
Ppl I’ve asked think I’m the AH so I’m asking Reddit if I’m the AH for eating my little sisters food after being hungry at school all day.
It’s a little hard to understand. If I buy or make food it’s for everyone. No one specific.
If your sister requires a special
Diet, I can understand why your mom might be a little
Disappointed you ate her meal and now she’ll has to get or make more. Not angry. If not your birthday, I would probably ask you help me to make the next batch of special
Food for your sister, not to be mean, but to be together and so you know what it entails. Maybe make you some ready made food as well together that you like that can keep for a week, so when you’re tired you have something too.
I’m
Sorry your birthday was forgotten. That has to hurt a lot. Happy belated birthday.
NTA.
I am very concerned about your mother’s reaction. It is absolutely not appropriate for her to accuse you of starving your sister or to say that you love taking food from her or to yell at you for how much you eat because she saw the remnants of vomit. It’s also absurd that your older sister suggested you buy your mom something to get her to talk to you. You are her daughter. Why on earth is she giving you the silent treatment in the first place? And expecting you to buy her communication? Insane.
Maybe you shouldn’t have eaten the soup. But your parents are still responsible for your food-they should be buying groceries you can use.
You deserved a happy birthday, and you deserve to be fed by your parents.
If this pattern of communication is normal, which it sounds like it is, I am begging you to tell a trusted adult what is going on. School counselor, a teacher, an aunt, uncle, grandparent-you could even call your local government or a non-profit. This is not ok. I also really encourage you to talk to someone about your ED.
I don’t want the story to be too biased so I must confess I throw up some groceries so it’s wasted and used up faster. I think I would’ve tried speaking abt my ED a year ago or now but because of my sister I’m hesitant abt it. I want her to get the attention she’s currently receiving now and I don’t want it to be divided. And part of me blames my mindset around food for my little sisters current condition, and I don’t want anyone to accuse me of anything.
My dear, your ED causing you to throw up groceries is not waste. You are suffering from an illness and deserve help. If your parents do not have the resources to get both of you treatment, that is their problem, not yours. It is, however, a strong, positive marker of your character that you want your sister to get help. You deserve help, too. You might have to look for alternative methods of getting it, but you deserve help.
EDs are very complicated. You do not deserve to hold yourself accountable for your sister’s condition: you had an ED first, and chances are the same things that caused yours caused hers. If someone is blaming you for her condition, they need to look in the mirror.
It sounds like you live in a very challenging environment that is hurting you and your sister. I am so, so sorry.
Your immediate family are not, and will never be, your support system.
Accepting that your parents cannot care about you and will not change will be a painful grieving process.
Bulimia and other ED is about control and punishment. In some level, it’s about feeling unworthy of life. You need counseling, right away, and out of that toxic environment.
Anyone you consulted who said you were in the wrong for eating soup on a birthday no one acknowledges, is also not your support system. I still mean that if you were in the grips of a bulimic gorge and ate everything. You are in pain. Sounds like your sister is in pain, too. This is not a good environment for children.
Please find a trusted adult to tell about the ED, your family not caring about your birthday, not enough food in the house, everything. Build your own support group. Focus on your own mental and physical healing, and get out of that house as soon as possible.
NTA, I doubt your elder sister has given you a good advice. Your mom definetely neglects you.
INFO I’m torn here. I don’t like how your mom is treating you generally, but she is right that you shouldn’t have eaten that soup. Your sister’s health situation seems to be risky and thats 1 of 3 items that she had to eat after which your mom is going to have to make more for her special diet and I would not want to risk her being willing to eat but not having anything she can handle eating. It sounds like that whole situation has been a significant source of stress and extra effort. There was other food available for you, you could have had a snack to tide you over while you cooked something more substantial (it’s not clear why you skipped lunch). If there weren’t groceries available or you weren’t old enough to cook, I’d excuse it. But that’s not the case. I do wonder though – is your mom actually making a meal each day and then when your dad and brother come to eat it she says “OP you can’t eat any”? Your sister is siding with your mom which also gives me pause unless this is a situation where you’ve all gotten in the habit of appeasing her and she is more in a “why did you poke the bear?” mode than “why would you take our sister’s necessary food?”
My house is more an ingredients household so there aren’t rlly any snacks escoeically cause my dad is pre-diabetic so my parents just buy less of it in general. So when there’s a lack of groceries there’s not much I can cook, that’s quick. she doesn’t restrict food for me intentionally lol she usually makes a serving that’s enough for them. For example if my brother wants to eat a specific meal she’ll cook just enough for him, and not for anyone else. My dad eats the same dish everyday and she again cooks just enough for him. He’s pre-diabetic so a lot of the foods are specifically curated for his health nowadays. Usually if I want her to cook me something she tells me she’s been busy all day. Yes i agree with you with the bit I messed up, I didn’t tell anyone I ate it afterwards either. Whole situation is a mess idk how to resolve this
Sounds like you are the disfavored child. There’s nothing you can do about that.
What you can do is learn things your mother didn’t teach you.
Make a batch of Energy Bites for quick, easy snacks. You can keep them in a tightly sealed container in your room.
Learn how to meal prep and freeze meals. There are lots of videos on YouTube. Then you have your own frozen meals.
Have a bowl of fruit, or carrots and hummus, which gives you that fiber to quickly stave off hunger pains, so you can then take the time to reheat your prepped frozen food.
Learn how to make big batches of soups to freeze.
All of the above is important to learn, because you are on the cusp of launching. Food has become a complicated issue of your childhood. Securing knowledge and a source to provide food is an important skill for moving out.
If you are only 17 years old then you are a minor. She legally has to provide food for you. Not necessarily cook a meal for you but have food in the house. You are old enough to cook it yourself. I would start eating meals at school. As far as missing your birthday, that is awful. Your family sound like nasty toxic people. You will probably have to be low contact with them when you turn 18.
Other than forgetting your birthday which is horrible, everything you wrote borders on child abuse. Please talk to a teacher at school and tell them what is going on. Neglect is more serious than physical injury. Please tell a teacher or other trusted adult about the ED.
NTA
I do have to ask you something: are you her bio child and are you dad’s bio child? Her saying “love taking food away from her daughter” sounds like you’re not her daughter. That just seems too specific to say to your daughter as well.
Is there a possibility that she cheated and had you so that’s why she gives you unfair treatment?
I share features with not her but my maternal grandma and a lot of my maternal aunts (imagine you ctrl+c our eye shapes) and some of my dads features so I don’t think so lol. People say personality wise I can be like her so I think maybe she sees something she doesn’t like in her self in me, if that makes sense.