Throwaway and fake names for obvious reasons,
I (24) have the misfortune of having a December birthday which means it falls during the hectic mess of the holidays. This year my partner (25) Jordan and I have planned a weeklong staycation where we call out of work and spend the week together gaming and chill hangouts with friends as we are both burnt out from our jobs.
My sister (38) Izzie has 4 kids (7m, 5f, and 2 twins turning 1). Her twins and 5f all have birthdays around the same week as my birthday as well as her Husband. This morning Izzie sent me a picture of the invite celebrating all of their birthdays (focusing on the twins) the weekend of my staycation. One thing to note about my sister, she takes occasions like this very seriously (she designed the invite herself on canva). I try my best to attend the really important ones like Baptisms and Holidays (thanksgiving coming up for example) but the main issue for me is travel.
It would be one thing if they were nearby and I can easily pop in and say hi, but they live about 1.5 hrs in a rural part of the state whereas I live in the city without a car (grown up relying on public transit, never learned to drive srry). The alternatives for commuting there are either train (4hrs going and back total/ $75-80) or I drive up with my parents who live in the same city as me but they leave on Friday (day of my actual birthday).
I’m seeing my sister this weekend for thanksgiving and I want to tell her that I already have plans with my partner and friends for my birthday, and I don’t plan on changing that as we both specifically called out of work and made plans to relax. But WIBTA if I told her I’m missing her kids bday to celebrate my own? I already plan on sending gifts for them respectively (birthday and christmas gifts cuz I know what thats like growing up smh) but is there a gentler way I should approach this?
NAH
Don’t give her the whole song and dance just tell her, now, that you can’t make it to the party because you already have plans. Don’t wait until you see her, less drama.
YWNBTA
Like you said, if they were in town and it was a quick lunch/dinner, then no problem. But they live in a place you can’t easily get to, so the time commitment is so much greater. You don’t have to feel badly about missing a party where, let’s be honest, you won’t be missed THAT much in among the kid chaos.
I wouldn’t say ‘I’m skipping your kid’s birthdays to celebrate my own’, but say something like ‘I’m sorry to miss the birthday’s this year, Jordan and I have taken holidays and we have some plans for my birthday. Looking forward to Thanksgiving though, I’ll send you gifts home for the kids when we see each other’.
I don’t think anyone can give you a real verdict other than NAH (there also doesn’t seem to be any conflict here?). This entirely depends on your relationship with your sister, how close you feel, what she would do to celebrate your milestones, how close you feel to the twins, etc. It seems that the staycation you planned doesn’t actually have any planning involved though (since you said you’ll call out from work, I assume that means call in sick rather than taking planned PTO) so you could technically move it to another weekend. But this is only if you want to go the extra step to celebrate your nieces/nephews, which would entirely depend on the relationship you have or want to have.
YWNBTA… You don’t have to tell her your plans, just say that you are working. Bring gifts to Thanksgiving, call it good.
NTA, but u can just say u can’t make the trip without saying why. There’s no need to expound. I think u can just say that given ur thanksgiving travel & everything else u have going the additional 3 hour round trip isn’t possible for the party, ur sry u’ll miss it, but u’ll send gifts & offer to Facetime or something if keeping face is importnat to you
NAH
There’s actually no conflict here, because all she’s done so far is issue an invitation. Any perception on your side that she might be upset is just that, a perception.
Call her. Thank her for the invite. Apologise and say you have plans that make the commute not possible this year. Tell her you’re looking forward to Thanksgiving. Bring birthday gifts for the kids to Thanksgiving.
And enjoy your staycation with your husband.
NAH. fyi don’t go with “I already have plans” focus on just you are not available to make the commute due to timing. Remember, these are niece/nephews, it doesn’t “make sense” that you didn’t “plan” to celebrate your shared season (what is that Sag?). Thats the gentler way
NAH. She extended an invitation, but it conflicts with your own birthday plans. It’s not convenient for her to put off her plans, and it’s not convenient for you to put off yours. You can each celebrate separately. Her kids won’t even notice that you’re not there.
NTA. Considering the time and financial commitment to go you are in the clear
NAH. Your sister will be if she fusses at you for not making the trek to celebrate her family’s birthdays. Your life does not revolve around her husband and children. You have your life to live, and they have theirs. It may be nice to see your sister and her family on occasion, like this Thanksgiving, but that doesn’t mean you have to be on hand to applaud every significant event in their lives.
WNBTA
But don’t overcomplicate it.
“Hi, thanks for the invite, it looks great! Unfortunately I already have plans at that time so won’t be able to make it this year, but am looking forward to seeing you all at thanksgiving.
I have birthday gifts for the kids, would it be ok if I gave them out at thanksgiving? Or would you like to take them home and hand them out on their respective birthdays?”
You just say ‘unfortunately I can’t attend but I hope you have a wonderful celebration’. And no, NTA obviously.
NAH, but I would stick with the short version from the end of your post (you already made plans for the weekend with your partner and friends for your own birthday). Sometimes people take the explanation as an invitation to argue, and you don’t need to justify anything here. You already have plans, simple as that. Enjoy your staycation guilt free, it sounds fantastic.
Make a plan to do a special birthday visit on another day.
“You’ll have so many visitors that weekend that I won’t get much time with you, so I’m going to visit on <date> and we’ll do <special treat>”