Not a very positive thing but I finally have my own story to post here.
My (24f) aunt, Genny(53f), has been really down in spirit lately. I had no idea why until recently, when my mom informed me that my aunt and her long-term boyfriend, Daniel(56m), (12yo relationship) broke up. Before knowing the specifics, I comforted her and let her know that everything was going to be okay. I even encouraged her to try and get him back, I never liked him much but if he made her happy why wouldn’t I root for them.
That was until I asked: “Not to intrude but how did you guys break up?” She said to me that there was some younger guy at the bar who was insistent on getting her number, leaving her no choice but to say yes. Then, they got to texting, one thing led to another, and they end up getting a hotel together and well.. you know. Her boyfriend found out and left her, so now she’s been down on herself. I genuinely paused after hearing that and my face visibly screwed up. To me, cheating is a non-negotiable no matter who’s done it; and I told her as much. I instantly told her that she should probably leave him alone, that what she did was not only disrespectful but also pretty immature, irresponsible, and selfish. I said it in a softish tone, I still respect my elders, but I definitely didn’t back down on that statement.
Where I might be the a-hole is the fact that I’ve known for a long time that my aunt has mental health struggles and is depressed for the better part of the year most times. My mom says that her cheating came from a place of major insecurity and that, while she doesn’t agree with my aunt, I shouldn’t have verbalised my disapproval and just coddled her. I never wanted to make my aunt feel worse than she does, and she did seem even more upset afterwards (not angry just closed off and sad), but I truly don’t feel it’s fair for her to use mental health as an excuse for cheating or for her to go on harassing the man she humiliated (not to mention she told him that the younger guy “preformed better”). It’s probably important to mention that her (ex)boyfriend does want her back and misses her, but he can’t get past the fact that she cheated and thus can’t take her back.
If I’m truly wrong about this, I’ll apologise and find a way to make it up to her. At the moment, though, I don’t feel what I said is anything a grown woman shouldn’t already know… so AITA?
Has she been checked for bipolar issues? Realize I’m just an armchair quarterback, but those are some extreme emotions you’ve described her going thru.
The highs and lows of this can really mess with a person.
And you are NTA.
NTA: It’s not your circus, but your aunt brought her mess right to you and put you on the spot. I wouldn’t have coddled her either; she knew every single choice she made, and depression is no excuse for cheating. She should have known better than to assume people would automatically take her side.
I can’t stand bad behavior being enabled or written off “just because”. Caring about someone doesn’t mean you blindly accept everything they do. You don’t have to say anything more unless she tries to bring up the topic again, in which case you can say it’s something she should work on with a therapist, and move onto another subject.
YTA if you let your need to seize the moral high ground ruin what otherwise seems like a lovely relationship with your Aunt.
Congrats, you just learned that even the adults you love the most in your life are whole ass humans, fucked up baggage and bad decisions and all. I guess the question is… are you able to find love for her still? Recognize that everyone is flawed and does stupid things that they then suffer the consequences of? How would you feel if the script was flipped and you participated in something that she fundamentally took issue with? Would you feel sad that despite her knowing you as a multi-faceted person, she cut contact over a mistake?
Your words were true but they probably stung, a lot. She doesn’t want you to apologize or forgive her for cheating – it’s also not your place because YOU weren’t the one cheated on. She just wants you to tell her that you still care for her and you want her to be happy and forgive herself.
NTA
You cannot dodge cheating and being accountable for it.
She needs to leave her boyfriend alone and he needs to move on from her.
NTA. I don’t think I would’ve told my niece that I cheated on my ex. How embarrassing.
Mental health issues or not, she did it to herself. She needs to get help. The stuff about the guy insisting on her number, yeah no. She was flattered by the attention or her insecurity clouded her vision. No amount of coddling will help. NTA.
Why do people always think you can cry MH to excuse everything? You are most definitely NOT the AH
NTA. I’m a PMHNP (psych nurse practitioner and a woman). Look, mental health issues are not an excuse for bad behavior. Let me write that again, since many people do not seem to understand this: MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES ARE NOT AN EXCUSE FOR BAD BEHAVIOR. Your aunt is in her 50s, for goodness’ sake. There is no excuse for cheating in this manner and no, she did not “have to” give the guy in the bar her number – she CHOSE to do that, she CHOSE to cheat, and she CHOSE to make rude comments to her now-ex-bf. If she is not being treated for mental health issues and she has them, then she CHOSE not to obtain treatment. Sometimes a woman is just a b\*\*\*h. Good for you for telling her to her face that what she did was wrong. Why on earth should she be coddled? If she needs mental health treatment, then she is grown-up and she can make an appointment! I do nothing but talk to people with mental health issues all day long and 99% of them are nice and courteous!
I expect to get downvoted because Reddit hates cheaters more than just about anyone. But here goes…
Not every story or situation calls for your reaction in the form of judgement or your opinion. That’s not the same as saying “don’t judge people.”
What I’m saying is you don’t need to offer your opinion unless it’s solicited. You can say, “wow, it sounds like you really miss him” or “how do you think you’re gonna handle that?” You can even say, “sounds like Daniel feels really betrayed.”
That’s not coddling, it realizing that your approval or lack thereof is not central to this story. Almost everyone you love will mess up pretty badly in some area of their life at some point. It’s worth learning how to witness human frailty with grace.
NAH. Mental health issues are real. But your distaste for cheating is understandable.
NTA. Your mom asked you to enable her dereliction. You were right for making it clear that you didn’t agree. Hopefully she won’t come whining to you anymore because she knows you’re not complicit with that behavior.