So I need to know if I am in the wrong here. My wife (32F) and I (30F) are beginning our journey to have a child. I have a child from a previous marriage, and so my wife wants to be the carrying parent. My wife also has this friend. Said friend has not liked me for a while. She has made this very clear to my wife. Imo, it’s because she has clear feelings for my wife and sees me as the “competition.” As part of my wife and I taking steps towards growing our family, we went to a fertility clinic to assess her fertility and evaluate any potential issues. My wife invited her friend, as I originally was unable to come to the appointment. I made arrangements however to be there for my wife. The friend still came along. I wasn’t pleased, but I swallowed it to allow my wife to enjoy this happy part of our lives. The second we walked into the clinic, the friend began creating distance between my wife and I. Three seats in a row, she sat in the middle seat. Putting herself between me and my wife. Asking the doctor questions and generally making the appointment about her, even going so far as refusing to be silent for the nurse to take my wife’s blood pressure. The final straw came when we stepped into the ultrasound room. My wife had asked us to step into said room and wait for her to finish having her blood taken and to do her urinalysis. When I arrived in the room, her friend was sitting in the only chair available. The one typically reserved for the other parent. I asked her to move so I could have that moment with my wife and she outright refused and got passive aggressive with me. Then my wife comes in, and suddenly she’s offering me the chair and acting like a saint. I refused because I was not giving her the satisfaction. When the ultrasound was being done, she kept exclaiming “we’re having a baby!” and generally making a huge fuss, but all the phrasing was centered around herself. When we left the clinic, I got very upset and told my wife that I would not be attending any further appointments if the friend was there. That I was happy and willing to be with her for every step of the process, unless the friend came because I simply refuse to be disrespected and put on the back burner for an event that completely revolves around my wife and myself. My wife is now angry with me and says I was overreacting. That the friend was just there to support her. I pointed out that this type of behavior is common and I am putting my foot down in regards to this friend. AITA for standing my ground and refusing to play nice?
Your wife doesn’t sound as invested in you/ your relationship as she should be if you guys are having a child together. Leave & let her have a baby with the friend instead. NTA
That’s your take away from this story?
The wife sounds like she cares more about the friend than the husband. I was pregnant and I had friends and family I loved but it was a journey between me and my partner, NOT all my friends. The friend is too hostile to be allowed to stay as a part of the process. It is weird. I wouldn’t be in a relationship like this. Feels uncomfortable and strained. Feels like OP is trying way too hard for someone who isn’t doing the same. Feels like wife just wants the “baby experience” and OP could be replaced in a heartbeat. I would not bring a child into the world with someone who cared so little about my feelings. Children require sacrifice and effort. Even strong relationships can crumble. This feels like to wishy washy of a relationship to withstand the storm of a baby.
NTA for putting your foot down but you may be gave the friend a larger victory then you think. You refused the chair not to give her the satisfaction but by refusing it you genuinely not only gave this pushy friend the satisfaction you signaled to your wife that nothing was wrong. She was excited about this step in the journey and had the journey been the most important thing to you then you would have accepted the seat and told your wife about how the friend initially declined later. Because you didn’t accept the seat I can see your wife’s POV that this came out of nowhere. In her viewpoint her friend had tried to give you a seat to be part of the experience and you declined. You let your anger towards her friend blind you to the bigger picture. Maybe try to approach a different way. State you want it to be a personal moment between the two you because its special to you and not because your competing with a friend you let’s be honest here, already beat.
I agree, my anger blinded me. My wife is a very private person and so I knew not to make a scene inside the clinic. I calmly waited until we got into the car to address the issue. This is not the first time that we have had issues with this friend however, and I signaled to my wife that there was something we needed to discuss after the appointment. My wife was aware there was an issue, but one we’d discuss in private.
NTA – the wife should be including you in the process and not automatically bringing along her friend in what is both your moment.
Nta. are you sure she isn’t partners with wife and they aren’t using you to get a baby? try scheduling to go to all future appointments, so friend is not necessary.
NTA. This is a journey for you and your wife to experience as a couple. The friend shouldn’t take away from your experience. Don’t say, I won’t go if she does… say, she’s not going.
Your wife is acting like only she is having a baby and not the both of you together.
Seems to me like you and friends
are there just for the support with none having a “higher” status than the other.
NTA I would be upset too.
ESH. The friend is out of line, but giving up your participation and what.. stepping aside so the friend can step in? is not the answer. Don’t say you won’t be coming, say the FRIEND is not coming! Put down your foot that this is your (you and wife’s) special experience and you don’t want anyone else there.
You’re coming across as not really caring or interested in being there for your wife and baby if you’d let some annoying friend get in the way. Kick that ho to the curb and claim your space at your wife/baby’s side.
Edit: typos.
ESH. Passive-aggressive behavior is doing you no good here. If you want to sit next to your partner, say so: don’t pout. If you want the chair in the ultrasound room, take it when it’s offered: don’t pout. If you don’t like the friend’s dynamic, maybe you can change it, maybe you can convince your partner to make her clinic visits a couple thing and not a friend group thing—but “I would not be attending any further appointments if the friend was there” does not necessarily lead where you want to go. Putting your foot down achieves nothing. You need to reach an understanding with your wife. If you can’t do that now, over an issue as simple as this, you’re in trouble. If wife’s friend is the enemy you take her to be, she knows just what she’s doing and loves watching you squirm and act out, loves creating tension between you and your wife. Don’t play into her hands.
NTA this friend is overstepping and needs a reality check. Unfortunately, it’s probably going to be difficult getting your wife to see that her friend’s behavior is inappropriate and has feelings deeper than friendship. But don’t let them ruin this special time between you and your wife.
NTA
But it’s time to pause this process and get couples therapy. It sounds like you are right about the friend and your wife either isn’t seeing it ot won’t see it. You need to get this sorted before you start having a baby.
NTA, this is usually supposed to be a private moment for you and your wife. Not sure why the friend was even invited in the first place.