okay so boom. i went to my family members house for an early holiday get together. everything was okay at first, i got to see some family that i don’t see often. about an hour or so passed & we’re all sitting around chatting, catching up, and getting to know eachother (there were some people i hadn’t met yet present). out of no where one of my family members brings up that “they don’t know my lore”, i am adopted yall. about as dark as it gets over here, okay? so obviously we fall down that rabbit hole and that’s awkward lol.. way to put a huge elephant in the room.
then the conversation changes topics to another family member who had passed due to alzheimer’s (keep this in mind please!). just reminiscing family stuff. “remember this” “remember that” that type of thing. one of my other family members then brings up a time we went to the movies and almost got beat up or something like that. i have no idea what they’re talking ab so obv i’m like, “spill”.
she proceeds to tell a story about where our deceased family member said the n-word, hard-r, specifically “kill that ___” while a black individual was on the screen. yea wtf. and when i say tell i mean she said it. instantly my jaw had dropped, not only because my not black family member said the hard-r and everyone is laughing their balls off, but that’s not a word i even use as a poc (i usually say, “hard-r”).
instantly i’m feeling a way & everyone is still chatting and talking. atp, i zoned for a second because was thrown off & that family member asked me if i was coming upstairs to garden, i said sure.
as soon as we stepped into the room i said “i’m sorry i just have to ask. why did you say that?”. they looked at me confused and said “what?”. okay.. so i tried to explain that there’s so many other ways they could’ve said that & that i don’t even say that as a poc, it makes me uncomfortable (sorry yes i’m uncomfortable with words deeply rooted in racism being used🙃). they then try to keep asking me “you don’t remember that?” “they said that!” “i just said what they said!”which i still don’t think that 100% makes it okay.
she then says “well i was embarrassed when deceased family member said it so i wanted them to understand how embarrassing it was”. i guess what i’m not understanding is why is it less embarrassing to repeat it in front of loved ones? they apologized and said they won’t say that word again.
i talked to my mom ab this, she said that she can’t put herself in my shoes & that family member was just telling a story & that censoring words like that takes away from storytelling🙃.
am i being an ass guys? maybes it’s the mix of being called out as the LITERAL black sheep in the family & the follow up of a slur, but i still feel a hurt kind of. i don’t think my family member is racist, she adores me and i’ve never heard her say that before. but why would she say that and i’m sitting right there? why did everyone laugh, why was that funny? idk but let me know some opinions please.
Wait, so you’re upset that they quoted the dead guy?
well, yes actually. i feel that there was other ways to censor that word and still get your point across without using a slur. and as the only poc in the room, i was offended 100%.
if you feel otherwise please share! i shared this post for outside opinions!
My understanding is that words are important and have value based on the intent behind them;if it’s someone saying a slur in, like, an academic context?
The word is harmful because of how it’s used. The word itself is just a word
i thought about that too. it could be the same as reading the word from a school book. but in the same instance most schools give students the option to skip over the word or censor it & as an adult i feel you’re given the same choice. it’s a family gathering.. not only that but they admitted it was embarrassing to hear. why’s it *less* embarrassing to repeat?
maybe it was the timing it was said, everyone laughing at what was said, who said it.. i really don’t know. i hope this doesn’t come off as argumentative either. i just want to understand why i shouldn’t feel a way instead of just letting it go.
But why should the word be skipped? Treating it like a boogieman or something whose name cannot be uttered gives it so much… power.
Fuck that. That word should have zero power.
I don’t think there was any bad intent. They were literally just quoting a deceased family member, in a private family conversation. They clearly consider you fully part of the family and don’t treat you any different.
I don’t think you’re an asshole, but I don’t think they are either.
i definitely don’t think she meant to say it out of spite or to hurt me. i think the mix of it being said in general (especially a non-poc), after the adoption conversation, and her reaction
all rubbed me the wrong way is all.
as far as it being said in front of loved ones, that’s brings me back to the question that keeps replaying in my head. why is it *less* embarrassing to repeat something in front of loved ones than hearing it said in public?
thank you for your perspective though!
you’re valid in your feelings and everyone who laughed are weird too… like imagine what they say when you’re not around bc that was extremely too comfortable
NTA. A lot of people think it’s OK to talk that way if they can say it’s “in quotes.” You know, “I was just repeating what he said: don’t blame me.” I’m sure you’ll be seeing that in some comments. And a lot of people who know it’s not OK use that as an alibi anyway.
NAH
your discomfort is understandable and you were very brave to bring it up. equally, your family doesn’t seem to have carried any negative intent with engaging in that story. someone who had entirely lost their filter due to illness said something profoundly inappropriate in a public setting and your family is now trying to find some levity in their grief.
that said, their experiences as white people will mean they are much more removed from the microaggressions and outward violence experienced by poc than you could ever be, so it makes perfect sense that you would come out of that interaction feeling uncomfortable, if not unsafe.
as long as they are receptive to your explanation and feelings, it sounds like you can all move on from this in unity.
thank you for your response, i appreciate your insight!
NTA