I created a burner account just to post this because he knows my Reddit.
We’re both mid-20s. We’ve been together for 3.5 years, living together for 1. I’m a bartender and work 3-4 evenings a week, he works a normal M-F schedule. We make roughly the same amount and split everything 50/50, but I do work less hours than him.
Monday is my grocery day. We agreed when I moved in that I would do the shopping since I can go when it’s not as busy. We have a shared note on our phones where he can add things to our list.
The arrangement was fine for a while, but I started to get annoyed a few months ago. The whole process of shopping, self-checkout, loading into car, unloading, and putting it all away takes at least 2 hours. Not to mention emptying the old stuff out of the fridge and pantry. I almost always have to take out the trash too.
It wouldn’t be as bad if I didn’t feel he was unappreciative. He gets to open an app and write down requests, then I do all the work. He comes home to a stocked kitchen and pays the same amount as I do. When I’ve brought this up, he thinks it’s only fair since I “work less”.
Today, I had enough. The store was packed due to Thanksgiving. I texted him that they were out of something he wanted and he said to “look harder”. The fridge was full of leftover containers he never revisited or threw away. I texted him that from now on, he’s paying more than half or we’re shopping together on Sundays (our common day off that he says is for resting).
He thinks I’m an asshole for this, I disagree. I may work less but I am no housewife. We split everything down the middle. Isn’t it only fair that I’m compensated for doing all of the shopping every week? The only part that I believe may make me TA is that I agreed to this arrangement. But that was a year ago, and I’m burnt out.
AITA for saying I want to be paid more than half for groceries?
INFO: You do the grocery shopping, dishes and trash. What chores does he do? Does he do the cooking?
If he’s not doing any chores, y’all have bigger problems than the monetary split on groceries.
I thought about doing an edit to answer this but I’m gonna post here and hope people see it.
I’m not going to act like he doesn’t do anything, but he’s lazy at heart (I blame his mom lol). He lacks initiative in the house which is big because we are rarely home together. He usually has to be asked to do basic things (unload clean dishwasher, fold towels, etc). When I ask though, he will usually do it.
We do our own laundry. His rarely gets put away, it usually sits on a chair until it’s all gone. Those are his clothes so it doesn’t bother me.
I do all of the “forgotten” things. Sweeping, vacuuming, wiping mirrors, etc. But honestly, those are all things he would never think about. I’m the one who cares.
Tasks he does do- everything lawn related, and he wheels the trash can to the curb (thankfully because I’m never awake). Changing the trash inside is a job we both do when it needs to be done.
Cooking is different because we eat very few meals together. When we do cook, we’re usually both in the kitchen.
Anyways, that was long but I hope it answers the question of housework.
He doesn’t sound like an equal partner at all
Interesting that your boyfriend is lazy but that you blame a woman — his mother — for this.
So, effectively, he only mows the lawn and wheels the trash can???
I am not counting the empty the dishwasher if you have to remind him because that’s mental work.
And I’m sorry, but “I blame the mom”. No, it’s on him, he’s a grown man.
You’re effectively doing all the chores.
Edit: since you’re effectively managing the whole kitchen and doing your own laundry, it’s only fair that he would be cleaning the common spaces (vacuuming and bathrooms). Talk to him about redistribution of tasks, and continue grocery shopping in peace.
NTA but you’re focused on the wrong thing. Dragging him to the store with you won’t fix the main issues: he’s being a snot and you’re burnt out.
1) reduce your shopping. Whether it’s going 2x a month and he fills in the gaps, instacart, pick-up, or trade off the chore completely.
2) he has to display gratitude. And that would be having the kitchen prepped for groceries. That means the counters are clear, old stuff is out of the fridge, and the trash is taken out. Going shopping and then being forced to fight to put away the melting groceries would enrage anyone.
For real, i wouldn’t go shopping if there wasn’t space in the fridge/cabinets.
Is this the only thing that bothers you? Because a bf who says look harder to you saying they’re out seems like he’s lacking in other departments as well.
Time to redo tasks in the apartment. He gets to shop on the way home and you do whatever he was responsible for. If he won’t, stop buying for him and just get your own groceries. If you’re throwing stuff away weekly, you’re buying too much.
But really, assess the situation as a whole and see if this is the straw or the only issue. NTA
NTA
If you spit the bills 50/50-
Does not matter if you work
“Less”
He should shop
Every other shop
Or you can do together as you requested.
You’re in the right here.
If you did not pay 50 percent and had more time than him, then maybe that would be okay for you to do a little more.
When you’re splitting everything, there is no reason for you
To do all
The shopping.
OP, NTA “Look Harder” is something my toddler would say if she were over tired, fighting a nap and looking for her favorite stuffy. This is not the language of an adult in an adult relationship. He needs a time out until he learns to be, at the very least, kind and respectful to the person he purportedly loves.
I’m gonna’ have to go with ESH here. From the perspective of attitude and fair division of labor, at least as you’ve described it in your post, boyfriend is definitely being an AH.
On the other hand, what you’ve essentially done here is said “I want you to pay me to shop for you.” That’s also an AH move in a relationship.
A healthier way to come at this would have been / would be to basically say “I’m really not enjoying doing the shopping any more, and I feel unappreciated. I’m no longer happy with the division of labor in our relationship and would like to readdress that.”
Look harder? I’m surprised he’s still alive after saying some shit like that.
Yeah I was staring right at the empty shelf with a labeled tag underneath. Texted him so he could choose something else if he wanted. After that response, he got nothing. Lol
The “look harder” line was definitely my “this guy is probably a lot worse than this one situation” red flag. The fact that he thinks you owe him more chores because you work less and still pay 50/50 is where I’m like “this is only going to get worse.”
Sure, he can change, and you might be able to nip this in the bud, but if the only way to get him to change is by holding the relationship-ending gun to his head, watch out, because those people don’t really change.