My mother in-in-law is upset because we haven’t visited her in about a year. My husband and I have a 1.5 year old and traveling with a baby is..a lot. Meanwhile, my in-laws come to visit us every other month. We always welcome them into our home, and we FaceTime with them multiple times a week so they can see our daughter. They’re truly welcome anytime. They’re also visiting us for Thanksgiving and we took the week off of work to spend quality time with them.
They have two homes- one is a 4 hour flight away, the other is a hour flight- and they’re healthy, retired, and have plenty of disposable income. My husband and I both work full time. We also have a nanny we pay regardless of whether we’re home or not, and honestly, we don’t do much these days besides hang out as a family. So flying somewhere else to "hang out" the exact same way just isn’t appealing to us right now.
We visited last Christmas and are planning to visit again this Christmas (for a week each time). When I recently tried to explain that it’s hard for us to travel with a baby and apologized for not making it a priority, my MIL said, "it’s always going to be hard. It’s never going to get easier," and told us it feels like a one-way street: she puts in the effort and we don’t.
From my perspective, we stay in touch constantly, we host them often, and we aren’t refusing to visit- we’re just not prioritizing multi-hour flights with a toddler when they’re able and willing to come to us.
AITA for letting them visit us instead of making trips to visit them?
Nta, is there a polite way to point out that you will be needing to travel to them much more when they age out of traveling to you? Travelling with a kid is MUCH easier at 5. Even if they don’t always obey, they understand what you want by then. They might feel better if you gave them a timeline on visits heading to them more often. It is safer once the kid knows their own name, your name, and can memorize your phone number
So you all have a bit of money.
Presuming they are retired, they want a family with a child under two to regularly get on a plane for 1-4 hours to visit them more than once a year for a week? And they regularly come to you and stay with you?
Tell them to buy a house closer to their child and grandchild so you can pop over for a day, rather than spending a day travelling to see them. NTA.
this, tell them to move closer.
This might have less to do with traveling and more to do with showing an effort towards them. I’d suggest increasing the ways you show you care about them. FaceTime calls, send more baby photos… anything that maintains a connection in a physical way.
Yea, I asked her explicitly what would show her that we cared and she essentially said, “doing something that isn’t just convenient for you”.
We took the week off of work this week to spend time with them, planned zoo lights, botanical garden light show, and made restaurant reservations at a restaurant we thought they’d like. We facetime them multiple times a week also. I upload photos of our daughter to our shared album daily.
Honestly, I’d just message your MIL and say, “I’ve thought about what you’ve said, and I believe it’s most convenient for all of us if we’re only visit with you when you happen to be staying in your home an hour from us, we can meet up in (city/town halfway between) during the day for lunch or an early dinner, that way you guys aren’t out too late, (daughter) isn’t overtired, and (husband) and I have plenty of time to sleep and get ready for work in the morning. I will also be considering what is most convenient for (daughter) going forward regarding when/how often FaceTime calls and photo updates are made, as previously it was based on my convenience.” (And I’d reduce the number of weekly calls between Thanksgiving and Christmas, that’s plenty of time for her to apologize for her egregiously unreasonable statement.
This is a conversation your partner needs to have. You will never win. Older people tend to get needy and unrealistic in their expectations. They have all the time in the world and forget what it’s like.
Agreed—his parents, his conversation to have. Also, MIL’s “You aren’t prioritizing us” attitude is wild. I’d be like — “yes, that’s correct” bc she’s not the center of universe, least of all my nuclear family’s universe. I read so many stories like this and thank my lucky stars for my MIL. Wonderful woman.
idk if we forget-but yes she won’t win. i would just put grans to be more hands on with baby while visiting and then see. toddlers are way different from baby-baby.
Any chance that there are family members/friends that only get to see you if you are at (one of) your IL’s home(s)?
Because other than that I don’t get it.
You’re right it’s hard to travel with a little one.
I don’t see the value in trying to make him choose. It is only going to hurt you further. If he wanted to meet you, he would make it happen. Nothing could stop him. Don’t set yourself up for disappointment. Hugs.