So, my mother in law died earlier this year. She had cancer and passed away seemingly suddenly because she was not communicating to us how bad she actually was. But I guess had communicated it to her mother.
The day she passed away, I told my in laws that I wasn’t working a lot at the moment so let me know anything I can do to help. Even if it was just coming by to let them talk. But mostly, MIL left behind a home full of belongings and such and it was overwhelming so I wanted to help them go through things.
Barely a month later, my SIL went to jail. The problem was that SIL was supposed to be the one in charge of the estate. And she left the responsibility with her partner. So, I asked her partner if they needed help as they were dealing with the loss of MIL, SIL going to jail, and raising their child alone.
BIL told me yes, he wanted my help and told me when to come over.
So, I came over and got told that SIL was out of jail and said I’m not allowed to go through her mother’s things. So, I didn’t. And MIL’s former roommate became upset when a friend of mine showed up to help out (I hadn’t had a chance to call her and let her know things had changed. Also, I had permission from BIL to bring my friend over to help).
It resulted in screaming and threats and arguing on former roommate’s end with my friend. I tried to diffuse it and asked my friend to leave then attempted to speak to MIL’S roommate but got screamed at and a door slammed in my face.
Later, BIL let me know that my Grandma in law messaged him and told him no-one was allowed at MIL’s home, mentioning me by name. And after months of solid iced out silence, my texting GMIL to check on her, and calling and leaving a voice-mail basically begging her to speak to my husband because he missed her and felt very alone as his siblings and her iced him out after his mom died and he hadn’t done anything wrong.
GMIL texted my husband and told him not to tell me she had reached out and that she was disgusted by how everything played out with everyone, even me. But my husband did because we don’t have secrets.
I don’t know what I did. I love my GMIL a lot but she says she’s disgusted with me, my SIL blocked me on SM after I set the boundary that her friend (MIL’s roommate) would never treat me that way again, and my other BIL and SIL blocked my husband’s number and stopped talking to us after borrowing money and not paying us back. (It wasn’t even a lot of money and we weren’t even asking for it back)
So, my in-laws have iced us out, my GMIL is disgusted with me, and everyone is acting like my husband, or rather me, is a villain here.
I was just trying to help and set boundaries when being mistreated. I didn’t think offering to help was a problem. But am I the asshole here? Did I cross some invisible line somewhere?
Either we are missing context, your in-laws are super paranoid about anyone taking things out of the house, or there is a legal problem (such as no will.). From the context given you are mostly NTA, although I think inviting a friend was an ah move, permission or no. My advice is to just leave it alone. These people have a lot to untangle and it really isn’t your business at this point. If your husband wants to get involved, that could be different. Some people will never see in laws the same as their own family of origin, or whoever they see as “real family”.
I’m going to guess you came across as wanting to go through MIL’s things to take what you wanted first.
And it was weird to have a random friend come over to help you sort, even if you had permission. I’m sorting through my fathers things right now and don’t know how a stranger woukd be much help at the start.
soft YTA
The friend was actually to help with MIL’s garden because friend gardens frequently and none of us do so we didn’t know how to care for her plants properly because she had unusual ones and vegetables as well as flowers.
Are you a Type A over planner when everyone else is a Type B?
How could op clean out things when she doesn’t know what the heirs want to keep, donate, sell? Bringing a stranger into that delicate situation was inappropriate
Are we ignoring the fact she was asked for help and she did everything she could to get permission?
NTA people should say what they mean this is when of those situations where as an autistic person neurotypicals suck.
>Are we ignoring the fact she was asked for help and she did everything she could to get permission?
No she wasn’t. She offered to help SIL, SIL did not take her up on it. She then asked BIL, who did take her up on it, but nobody came to OP. Other than presumably her husband, the only person she talked to who actually took her up on her offer was the guy not directly related to MIL; at no point did the dead woman’s friend/”roommate”/\*the person who lived in the house\*, mother, or either of her daughters ask her to go through their daughter/mother/friend’s things (which were in a house that someone else was living in!).
YTA.
The “invisible line” that you crossed was the blood line.
You offered help. If your SIL wanted help with MIL’s estate, then she would have asked. She didn’t, for a whole month. That’s a clear statement. “Thanks but no thanks.”
There was no reason for you to go to BIL to offer help with the estate. Regardless of SIL’s temporary incarceration, HE is not the executor of the estate, and like you only married into this family. He doesn’t live at MIL’s, her stuff isn’t in his way. Dealing with MIL’s things should not have been a priority for BIL.
And even if he did give you (and YOUR friend?) permission to “go through MIL’s things” that doesn’t give you the right to show up at what is now the roommate’s home.
You were not mistreated. You overstepped. By a lot.
If you wanted to help out BIL, you should have brought them a casserole, or babysat the children.
OP, gently, IMO it is now time for you and your spouse to walk away from his family of birth and for both of you to get grief counseling. Maybe your local hospitals social workers dept can guide you.
OP, his family of birth have made it crystal clear they do not want him and especially you to engage with them any longer, respect that.
NTA people get so weird over stuff after death.
Clearly your in laws are a little touched. One went to jail and one stole money from you.
I’m sorry your husband is sad, but they are 🤪
💯your GMIL was lied to. Grief is also weird.
You may not have meant harm, but they took it as you wanting to go through MIL belongings. Then you brought a stranger over. BIL also overstepped without realizing it. There really wasn’t any reason to go through her things without SIL approval unless the home needed to be sold.
YTA. Reaching out to your SIL’s husband was over the line. Why did you think that was ok? Why would he have any authority to tell you it was fine to bring an absolute stranger over? It sounds invasive.
So let me get this straight: MIL had a roommate, a mother, a daughter and at least two other children. One of the kids was the executor of her will. She left property and items behind and such. And then another four people in the succession line, so-to-speak.
And only a month later, when the executor was temporarily incarcerated you decided to insert yourself in and weasel your way into her house to pick through her belongings with a friend under the guise of “helping” during a time of grief.
There’s no nice way of putting this. You came across as a vulture.
This wasn’t a hoard in your spare room that you needed to convert into an office so you could work from home, this was someone else’s house that you had no reason to step into. They had a roommate. They had three kids and a mom who could do this and who had every right to go through her belongings and find items that might provide them with some comfort. Heck, she had a roommate who could have expedited the process if it was necessary. Not that it was. There was clearly no need for this place to be cleaned out immediately, so the jumping in to clear the place out feels extremely predatory.
This is why his family hates you. They think you wanted to steal their deceased loved one’s valuables. And right after her sudden death too. And as a result you alienated your husband from his family too. While he’s trying to mourn his mother.
Only thing you can do now is take multiple steps back and apologise and give these people time. If at all they wish to maintain a relationship with your husband in the future, I wouldn’t bank on being included. YTA
Nah OP I’m not believing you. You showed up and was told not to do through MIL’s things why didn’t you and friend immediately leave? How did it get to screaming, arguing and threats with your friend? You both did not vacate promptly when told not to help.
That created distrust.
YTA – it’s an estate even if it’s of no value. When you are not the executor/administrator and you’re told to leave – you fucking leave, right away.
The fact there was even an argument speaks volumes.
Maybe the issue is your friend and not you but you are responsible for your friend. Why did friend stay long enough for an argument? You don’t meddle with people’s estate. As soon as you hear you’re not wanted, leave.
You and/or your friend just behaved in an untrustworthy manner by not immediately leaving when told.
Also, it is possible that GMIL thinks you meddled – why did you ask to help? Why is that your place? Your MIL passes, SIL is in jail but your husband (the deceased’s child) and her mother are alive and well.