So I’m the only one of my mom’s kids left in the state, but we don’t have a great relationship. One thing she asks me to do regularly is to take care of her husband’s cats when they are out of town (which has been every other weekend for a few months now)
It’s not a hard task to do, but it does take a solid hour out of my day every day they’re gone. She only recently started paying for the gas it takes to go back and forth as they live across the river from me. This time however, she called while I was making dinner for my family to ask if I could spend that gas money on her father-in-law instead.
The FIL just returned to his nursing home after a long hospital stay and needs new clothes. They didn’t think about it before they left the state. She asked if I could drop everything and go now – no – and then I had to remind her that tomorrow was Thanksgiving, and even if I could find time to go out shopping, I doubt any store would be open. So, at best, I could go out Friday morning. Mind you — I have only the money she left me for gas because I’m flat broke until payday.
After hearing her husband yell "why not tonight?!?" from his side of the car, something just kind of snapped in my head. Am I allow my mother to take advantage of me by constantly relying on me to do things for her? I mean… Feeding the cats consistently isn’t so bad, but now she’s asking for more, and they both seem to expect me to just get it done pronto.
WIBTA if I refuse to help her out when they are out of town anymore?
NTA – tell them you’re not a servant
INFO Why does the FIL need new clothes? Just because he was in the hospital doesn’t mean his belongings should have disappeared from the nursing home.
I guess they didn’t expect him to make it out of the hospital, so they donated or threw out all of his stuff. My mother had to go out and get him new bedsheets and everything, but didn’t think about clothes
Really?? That’s bizarre, and really unreasonable, like idk what they’re using their brains for because thinking ain’t it. Just say no. Tell them to call his care home and have them deal with it. They probably will, for a fee. If not oh well, guess they’ll have to come back and deal with the results of their own actions.
I’m just absolutely gobsmacked at the level of incompetence and sheer not-giving-a-fuck displayed by your mom and her husband. No offense but they kind of sound awful, and it’s not your job to dig them out of the hole they jumped into.
Who is “they”? The nursing home can’t throw out a residents belongings. Even if they are hospitalized the home is still the person’s legal residence, especially if the state/government is paying for it for example through Medicare. And when the resident passes away, the belongings still go to the next of kin.
And if your mother and her husband threw them out that’s on them. You aren’t even related to this poor man, why is it your responsibility to take care of him?
NTA. Tell your mother to be an adult and take care of her family responsibilities. Time to cut her off.
Sure mom, just as soon as you Venmo me the money for his stuff. I have none to spare
Oh, darn! I already put that money in my gas tank to take care of your cats.
Hmmm…. Maybe you could wire the nursing home money to buy your FIL the needed clothing. If they can’t, they probably have ideas about other ways to handle it. This is the sort of thing they probably deal with on a regular basis.
NTA. Why didn’t they rush back and help his dad? Lay down your boundries with them.
NTA.
Even if you lived next door, you don’t have to care for the cats as it’s inconvenient for you.
Stop responding to your mother’s texts. You’re busy.
NTA – She’s definitely using you as an unpaid servant. “Mom, you need to find someone else to watch the cats. I have my own family to take care of and it’s too much to take care of your animals.” And don’t let her badger you into doing it anyway. Hang up the phone if she won’t take no for an answer. Asking you to go buy grandpa clothes is ridiculous. If she couldn’t be bothered to do it herself, you sure don’t have to do it for her.
“That doesn’t work for me.” It’s true and covers both lack of desire as well as lack of ability (for this request or any future one).
Her expectations are not your responsibility when they are based purely on her convenience and not actual need.
Tell her to order off Amazon for Friday delivery and keep you out of it. You can do it by telling her you can’t float any money because you’re broke.
NTA
Tell her you heard her husband yelling about you not being able to help his own father that day and it made you uncomfortable considering the help you’ve been doing with his cats for so long. You’ve decided it’s better to step back and not be in that kind of position anymore. From this point forward he needs to make his own arrangements.
NTA. Your mom can order items online to be delivered to FIL. And she can ask a neighbor to feed cats in future. Set your boundaries now and make them clear so she doesn’t try to guilt you later.