Even as I write this, it sounds so stupid. So for background – I’m from a pretty close family. I lived at home with my parents and brother until I met my future husband at the age of 29. Now technically we went through the pandemic together, but only officially moved in with him when I was 30. He bought a house about 30 minutes away from my parents without traffic, the longest it has been is about 90 minutes with traffic. My adult brother (31m) still lives with them.
Recently, we were given an opportunity to buy the house of a deceased relative at a nice discount, but the house is about 3 hours total from where my parents are. I acknowledge that my parents (63f and 75m) are unable to make the trip to see me, but I am happy to come to them and always have been.
My mother, since I’ve told her and disclosed that we are also having trouble getting pregnant and that I am getting fertility treatments, and that I am clinically depressed and in therapy, has completely broken down. She has said that she thought she raised me differently, that she’ll never see us, that I won’t be here for my father, who isn’t well and has a lot of medical issues. I have countered with that now that I work fully from home, I can literally come and stay if she needs me to help out, but she never asks me to.
Today, we had it out while we were cooking (Thanksgiving) and she said she didn’t want anything from me, that my husband doesn’t care about the distance, and that it’s just not how she imagined our relationship, especially with a kid. I said it’s not how I imagined it either but that this is a good opportunity for us.
I should note that where they live is literally one of the most expensive cities in the country and that they live paycheck to paycheck and have for a long time. My husband’s job means that we can’t just pick any random place to live as he brings in most of the money, and I don’t think it’s fair that he’d have to get a new job to make her happy.
I guess right now I just feel trapped. Will this get better? AITA for wanting to move further away even though my dad isn’t doing well and I’d be further from my parents?
NTA, personally 3 hours is the perfect distance. Close enough to still be there as they’re aging, but not close enough to be helicopters.
I’ve known people who can’t move more than 10 minutes from their parents and it’s a weird parasocial thing more often than not. Having elder parents move back in can be a different situation.
NTA, sounds like your mom’s identity is too tied up in your life
NTA. Move. It’s your life and your mother’s emotional manipulations show her selfishness. Your life is with your husband so go forth and build YOUR lives. You’re not going to be on the other side of the world.
NTA
3 hours is NOT a far distance. I don’t understand the guilt trip for that. Or why a 63 year old can’t drive 3 hours. Or why she’s making this about her at all. And she has your brother to help. She sounds extremely selfish.
NTA – it’s your life, you get to live it how you want to. You don’t owe your parents a certain proximity to you!
Many people live in a different city/province/state/country from their parents and none of them are assholes for choosing to move away. Your mom is in major guilt-trip mode, and that isn’t fair to you at all
NTA. The one thing I want my kids (4 of them) to learn is: spread your wings; it’s the only real way you’ll live your life at the fullest. Don’t limit your life because of your parents’ limits. I want my children to grow in any direction that makes them feel fulfilled, even if that means there will be a distance between us. Love and respect conquers all.
NTA. It’s not even that far.
Info: Is the adult brother still living at home with your parents incapable of dealing with any time-sensitive issue? It isn’t like 3 hours is across the country.
NTA. Your Mom sounds extremely selfish. She does not want what’s best for you. She’s failing to consider anyone else’s feelings, and creating unnecessary emotional turmoil. Sad that she’s ruining the holiday season. I feel very sorry that your husband has to deal with a MIL like that. This is a great example of why you SHOULD move away.
NTA. I’m trying to find a way to say this gently but your mom needs to manage her own feelings- that’s not your job. You’ve been enmeshed for essentially your whole life and now it is time for you to live your own and prioritize your husband and growing family. Your mom can be disappointed but that isn’t your fault. At her great big age she can work through her feelings while you live your life.
NTA. Your mother aound extremely selfish. She should want you to be independent. Her feelings are not yours to manage, they’re hers. Do what’s best for you
Nta. Shit, only three hours? My wife and I moved to a whole other continent after we got married
NTA. Don’t fall for the guilt trip. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to live in a place that suits you. Your mother is being unreasonable .
NTA. If parents are elderly and they have a female child, caregiving will dispropirtionately fall on her. Tell Your brother he needs to step up.
Move to the new place which isnt even that far; 3 hours is nothing, and live your life.