Hi all. So my aunt (52f) throws a very large birthday party every year, and her birthday is coming up next week. She’s very insistent that everybody in the family comes regardless of the circumstances, and often gets very upset if somebody can’t make it for whatever reason. But I’m really considering just not going this year. She’s very much a "family sticks together" person, which I admire, but I feel like she just throws that phrase around in everyone’s face if they have to miss an event.
I have two sisters. My older sister (25f) is extremely busy, working insanely late hours and she has a little girl that she’s raising by herself because her ex is an absolute deadbeat. My younger sister (21f) is in college, and as if she’s not already under stress, she’s still recovering from mental health issues she had as a teenager. Won’t go into details on those, but it really wasn’t good. In addition, my father (58m) has undergone a string of health issues… he’s recently had surgery, and he has heart problems, and he has become quite forgetful these past couple years, so he needs somebody with him a lot to get him to eat and take his medicine, etc. Because my sisters are very busy, that person is usually me.
Ok, sorry for dumping all that on you, but it feels necessary. My sisters have both had to miss family events earlier this year, and my father, in his condition, obviously can’t go, and my aunt has just been so inconsiderate about it, my sisters have said that she has called them crying and said they don’t care about family and things similar to that. I know my aunt, and I’m sure some of these were just said out of frustration and she didn’t really mean it, but it just really gives me a weird feeling. I’m kind of angry at my aunt for being so rude to my sisters and father, but I don’t want to be the one who causes drama by bringing it up, because I know it’s just going to be super messy. I don’t want my sisters or father to be any more stressed than they already are, and same goes for some of my other aunts, uncles, and cousins. I don’t want to put my pride or emotions before peace in this family either. At the same time, it is SO TEMPTING to just unleash all this on her. What should I do?
NTA. A straightforward, unemotional, I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it. There are too many commitments to the rest of the family. That’s it, no other explanation. Be prepared for the wrath, but just keep to this same, I’m sorry we can’t make it, hope it goes well.
Tell her and be specific. What will happen, really? She gets mad and doesn’t speak to you? Does she help either of your siblings? Does she help you or your dad? Sounds like she doesn’t so it’s not going to take away from that. You either have to spend time listening to her whine and have a hissy fit, or you calmly tell her why you are not going and enjoy the peace and quiet. Good luck.
I agree with another poster about just staying calm and factual. But if you were feeling spicy you might also throw in that it’s because you agree with her about the importance of family sticking together, you’re helping out your sisters, who are both under a lot of stress, by taking care of your father, who is very sick. And you’re so glad she’s someone who can understand how important it is to be there for your family.
Yes!
NTA. Your aunt, on the other hand…
“Family sticks together” doesn’t mean everyone has to show up to the aunt’s party. It means supporting them when they’re too stressed, busy, etc to be able to attend parties. It means seeing how you can help them in trying times.
It doesn’t mean putting more pressure on them to satisfy their narcissist needs.
If she really meant family sticks together she would be helping your Dad and sisters.