I (24NB)moved in with a close friend “Jules”(26NB)& their two roommates a few months ago. My roommate “Sara”(25F)always texts the house gc when her gf’s over or staying the night, or when she’s staying at her gf’s, too. Jules does it too when they have people over. Sara hasn’t talked to me about this but Jules told me it’s a boundary of Sara’s.
I’ve been dating “Cal”(24NB)two months and usually stay at their’s cause I don’t want to impose on my roommates. This week they stayed over a few times & I texted the gc they would be there. On Wed. they came over and we watched tv in the living room. I texted they were coming over. Sara’s gf was over too, they came down stairs and walked past us to the kitchen. I greeted them, they did not look at me and quietly said “Hi” as they walked. When I spoke to them after they didn’t respond to me, then headed upstairs and didn’t acknowledge us.
It got late so Cal decided to stay over. They were in my bed and I opened my door to brush my teeth when Sara walked past. She looked into my room and muttered under her breath “Jesus Christ, every f***ing night” and slammed her door. I didn’t get much sleep and felt unsettled. At 8:30a Sara texted the gc “just a reminder to please send a text if there are overnight guests. It takes less than 10 seconds and is 1. a safety thing & 2. common decency” obviously directed at me. I said I’d texted they would be over and didn’t know I needed to update everyone after that. That I hadn’t been spoken to directly about this “rule” but I’d followed it based on what I had seen in the gc. And that I would appreciate direct communication instead of passive aggressiveness in the future.
Jules texted they were extremely upset by my response, and it was unreasonable to call her passive aggressive. I said I didn’t mean to sound rude, and just communicated and asked not to be treated that way. Jules said they “hope I can communicate in good faith in the future” Sara said she’s not policing anyone and we’re all adults and when you live with people you should consider the impact of your actions on them. That she was trying to clarify a household boundary with everyone and that’s why she texted the gc. It feels like they’re making too big a deal out of this. I explained I wasn’t trying to start anything, and just responded to the way she was acting towards me in person. Sara said she would “encourage me not to make assumptions about what’s going on before reacting.” not sure how else I was supposed to take the way she was acting, especially when she and her girlfriend were chatting and being normal otherwise.
I’m ok communicating when I have people over, and have done. Tbh I find it annoying to hear about Sara’s every move, but haven’t said anything cause I know it comforts her. This has made me feel even less welcome at home and like a guest. Instead of discussing boundaries with me, I’m being told I am violating agreements and that I lack common decency. AITA or do I owe Sara an apology?
NTA Your living situation sounds ridiculous. Good luck with that.
ESH. Take under advisement what you’ve been told and move on. Just because someone posts something about you in group chat, you’re under no obligation to defend yourself: you’re just creating drama. I’m sure you understand that calling someone passive-aggressive is an insult. “It feels like they’re making too big a deal out of this. I explained I wasn’t trying to start anything”: um, if they’re making too big a deal about it, why not just let it drop instead of going on and on about it yourself? Do you really not see how your endless need to justify yourself is contributing to the household tensions? “This has made me feel even less welcome at home and like a guest.” You’re in a ***shared*** home. It’s complicated.
Roommate is not being passive aggressive. They communicated clearly and respectfully. You’re creating the drama. YTA
NTA. She was trying to communicate boundaries, which is great. But she did not do so in a helpful manner. She was indeed passive aggressive.
You both owe each other an apology. You for not stating he was sleeping over, even if an honest misunderstanding. Her for being passive aggressive, even if she was simply struggling to effectively communicate.
Is this really a rule? Nope, house meeting first. pro’s and cons about always messaging, then everybody votes. She doesn’t get to boss around and pose a rule on to everybody else and call it a boundary. A house works if its a strict democracy.
Sharing a house is difficult. I recommend you try to float above most of it.
It’s a reasonable request (whether you like it or not) to tell your household if someone is staying overnight. It is a reasonable request that you tell them if you’ll be out overnight.(You don’t have to say where).
It is also reasonable to ask everyone to do it, even if you are the one who has not been doing so.
Give them the information they’re asking for and try not to wade into the weeds of calling your housemates passive aggressive or other emotionally charged words.
“I didn’t understand that was important to you, I’ll put a note in the chat next time” is a very reasonable response.
YTA for making it even more of a big deal by calling your housemate passive aggressive. Even if she was being passive aggressive, NO ONE is ever going to read an accusation of being passive aggressive, self reflect and say “you’re right, I could have written that better”. They’re going to get more upset. You can do better.
Yta
Coming over and staying the night are absolutely different things. A quick text could have solved all of this and its seriously ridiculous you have a problem with this. You really do need to heed your roommate’s advice and not make assumptions before reacting
NTA because this isn’t a rule that was talked about and agreed upon by everyone. You did better than I did cause I wouldn’t even be following a rule that I wasn’t even made aware of (actually wouldn’t have known I’m also meant to do those reports in the gc, cause I’m dense af 😅) 🤷🏻♀️
I think the household agreement to let your roommates know when you have overnight guests is clear and reasonable. YTA for disregarding the agreement and then getting mad they HAD to remind you. It isn’t hard to send a 10 second text that says hey They are spending the night. They were not passive aggressive, they reminded you, of what makes this a comfortable living space for everyone and the house rules are very Lax so send the text and yes, apologize.