Obligatory throwaway account, names changed, etc. Also, this is too crazy to be an AI story, and I am not young enough to want to deal with any more stupid automated technology than required.
Husband and I (M40s and F40s) have three boys, Adam (20), Brett (17), and Colin (15). Adam moved away to go to university for his freshman year, but moved home after that to take classes online because he was having trouble adjusting. He has terrible anxiety, to the point he takes medication daily to be able to go out and run errands/drive/etc, so we had no problem with him continuing working on courses from home. He was doing great and keeping an A average, so we worked out a deal. Husband and I both work full time, but we work close enough to each other that we can carpool. If Adam kept up his grades, attended the doctor appointments every few months to monitor his medications, and helped with the odd task at home, we’d give him my car to use as his own. Note, Adam didn’t want to drive until just before leaving for college, and lived on campus so didn’t need a car freshman year.
By tasks I mean picking up a sibling from a sports practice maybe once a month, pulling something from the freezer to thaw for dinner so I could make it once we got home from work, or taking the dogs out at night if he was still up late rather than them waking me to go outside. All the boys rotated through who took the trash from the kitchen to the outside trash can, and I sometimes asked for help with vacuuming or dusting from everyone equally because no boy will move out not knowing basic housekeeping skills. Adam would volunteer to go out with his brothers and drive them places or they would all go to hang out at the mall.
Life was great until about three months ago. Adam has decided he wants nothing to do with any of us, especially his brothers. He dropped out of classes this semester, stays up all night on his computer to then sleep most of the day, and is nasty to everyone. He is now demanding I cancel the upcoming doctor appointments, doesn’t want to take any medications, and finally admitted that some of the time when he is out at random times it’s because he got a job delivering pizzas. Our problem is that we’re still paying for the insurance, registration, tires, repairs, and most of the fuel being used for this job because it barely pays anything. In addition, it’s a safety hazard for Adam to drive if he’s not taking medication, as in his license can be revoked by the doctor.
Husband and I sat him down and laid our concerns on the table regarding the safety problems, the fact this job is a money pit for us, and tried to find out what’s actually going on for the Nth time, but Adam yelled at us for meddling and stormed off. According to Adam the car is his, so taking it back would make us shitty parents. But how can we in good conscience let a dangerous driver behind the wheel of a vehicle?
So, internet, who would be the asshole(s) here?
Info – what happened to him three months ago?
I don’t know. It was as if he woke up one morning and a pod person was in his place. A complete 180 from the normal of his entire life to that point.
This worries me a lot more than him using the car for work without having done a full cost/benefit analysis, I will tell you that.
This. And if his internet habits have skyrocketed, that would be the first place to start looking. He may have stumbled into darker communities. If he won’t tell you about it, maybe his brothers can help? Definitely bring it all up to the doctor since he’s suddenly wanting to abandon his meds.
Doctor already knows and has ordered some tests to see if the medications need to be swapped or dosages changed, but also said that he cannot force Adam to take anything and if he wishes to stop, it’s Adam’s decision. I’ve also tried asking Brett and Colin, but they are just as baffled as Husband and I are, or at least are keeping their lips shut about it they know anything. It hurts to see my younger boys get hurt from the careless actions of their older brother, but they still look up to them with hero worship.
NTA – If he cannot keep up his end of the bargain, he doesn’t get to use the car.
Something has happened to trigger this.
Has something happened online or while he’s been out that has triggered this? Have you all sat down and discussed this? Not just with Adam but with all the kids? They might know something that has happened that they can help with.
NTA for taking the car. But, you need to see what is going on with him.
Nta. You HAVE to follow through or he will learn nothing.
Something happened to make him flip. He was bullied or assaulted, he started taking drugs, came off his meds, something happened but you cant make a 20 year old tell you. So if hes gonna act this way, he has to deal with the consequences.
Let him know you are there to help but you had a deal and he dropped his end of it. That has consequences.
NTA. Hold him to his promise. Especially about Dr appt. Explain your liability. Take away keys. I would also turn off internet at bedtime. He is 20. He can make choices, but must live with the consequences.
Given this sudden change in behavior, I’d say the car is the least of your worries.
I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s fallen down an alt right or incel rabbit hole. When you’re able to catch him, try bringing up these topics in a natural, casual way:
– his thoughts on the current usa administration
– Immigrants & other people of colour
– women & his thoughts on relationships
– lgbt people
Unless he can tell what you’re doing, he’ll probably reveal his true colours
Op-NTA. The car isn’t in his name, he isn’t paying anything in upkeep, AND he reneged on the deal you all made. Take the car, especially because of the safety concerns. If he crashed, or Goodness forbid caused harm to someone else, YOU are liable. Nah, til he gets his life back in order, takes his medication, and is responsible and respectful he doesn’t need or deserve a care HE isn’t paying for.
Nta but something happened whether a new mental illness, drugs, bad friends, who knows. But he doesn’t sound safe right now