I (25F) am low contact with my dad, and constantly being reminded of the error of my ways, being told I should call him more and make more of an effort to be closer to him.
For context, my dad was a high functioning alcoholic throughout my childhood. He usually came home after work and drank. On a good day, he would drink in his study until he passed out, on a bad one he’d start arguments with mom over her supposed infidelity, calling her names and yelling at her, while I cried in my room. On one occasion during one of those arguments he tried to slit his wrists before our very own eyes (I was six or seven) because ‘she didn’t love him’, on another he threatened to throw her (our) cat out the window. I was pretty afraid of him growing up. My mom always said he was a coward and to never listen to what he says, but as you can imagine, it all left a pretty significant mark on me. When my parents finally divorced when I was 14, I wasn’t at all sorry. I stayed with mom, dad soon moved to another town to be closer to his side of the family, and we fell out of contact almost completely. Then, at 20 y.o, I moved to his town to study at Uni there and I’d occasionally come over. He wouldn’t drink when I visited, so I felt fine about it. Still, we weren’t close and had very little to talk about. This year I finished Uni and moved back to my hometown, and we stopped talking again. Now, however, my grandma, his mother (who I’m also not close with for different reasons), uses every chance to tell me that ‘he misses me’ and that ‘I shouldn’t forget about him’. When I tell her that I don’t understand why he doesn’t just call *me*, she makes excuses on his behalf, saying that he probably doesn’t want to bother me. He also said those things to me at one point, so it’s not just her.
I’ll admit that I am generally bad at communication and don’t often like to call people (I prefer to message them), and sometimes I get lost in my routine and just forget to, but I don’t feel like he has any moral right to accuse me of not contacting him. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that I hate him and want nothing to do with him, but I def don’t feel like I want to try and fix our relationship alone. I don’t understand why he doesn’t try more, and why I have to deal with people trying to guilt me into taking the steps myself. His mother even cries when she tells me these things, which makes me feel like a piece of shit, but… am I? Like, I’m currently pregnant with my first, and even with that in mind in 24 weeks he called me *once*. I was very sick with a cold then and told him that, and all he wanted to know was whether or not the baby was okay. Whatever. Another time he tried calling me and I didn’t pick up because I was at work, and he never called me back, even though I immediately texted him saying when I’ll be free so he could reach me. I hardly even want him in my future child’s life now with the way he’s been acting. Am I just being difficult? AITA?
NTA. You need to call him when you feel like full stop. I am no contact with my whole family : best thing I ever did in my life. Is been 19 years now .
NTA. This is one of those times when whoever actually wants to have a better relationship should take some initiative. If OP wants one with her father even if it’s only for her child’s sake, then it’s on her to get in touch with him more often; if OP’s father actually wants a better relationship with his daughter, it’s on him.
If the relationship has been damaged beyond repair by what has happened (which I think is the case), then there’s really nothing more that can be done other than for OP to get some therapy so that she creates room in her life to allow the joy of parenthood to enter and to focus on her child’s wellbeing.
NTA
Children grow up and become adults. Much of our society is conditioned to think that parents have to guide and reach out to their children while they are minors only **because** they are minors, and that once those children become adults themselves, the same responsibilities change hands. They expect their adult children to be the ones to reach out and build relationship bridges.
But a child’s parent will always remain the parent in the relationship, even when that child is an adult. The parent will always have more life experience than their adult child, and since they raised that child into adulthood, matters like repairing damage to the relationship that they caused or earning back their adult child’s trust falls to them.
Your father was abusive. Maybe he is less abusive now, maybe not. I hope so, for your sake. Honestly, he should be counting his blessings that you haven’t cut him entirely out of your life.
But you are his adult child, and he will always be the parent in your relationship. Your grandmother seems to understand this. She’s being his mother and intervening on her child’s behalf. She shouldn’t be, as she’s breaking the dynamic between you and your father (to your detriment), but he’s her baby, and she’s doing everything she can to be his mom.
Your dad needs to be the parent. It’s not on you to reach out to him and rebuild the relationship that he destroyed. It’s on him, and you don’t carry that guilt. The emotional wounds you carry from the childhood you experienced are enough burden.
Take care of yourself, and don’t forget that just because you can’t choose your blood, doesn’t mean you can’t choose your family.
NTA
NTA. Phones work both ways. You have yourself and your baby to worry about. If your dad was that serious about having a relationship with you, he’d put in some kind of effort. either the fact that you’re not close bothers your grandma or your dad complains about it to her, but either way it’s not your responsibility to foster a relationship between you two when he’s shown no interest in having one himself.
I’m sorry your dad sucks. Mine did too and my family always expected me to be the “bigger person” and keep the peace, but that was just for their benefit and my expense. That’s not love.
My only sister passed a few years back leaving mom alone 1300 miles away.i call her everyday I owe her so much more.
NTA
Your dad is supremely lucky that you even went out of your way to visit him on more than one occasion once you moved closer despite everything he put you through. He’s even luckier that you seem to be open to mending that relationship. I wouldn’t have even done that much.
nta. and ps he was not a high functioning alcoholic.. he was a mean drunk
NTA. He is not the child in this situation. Why is it OK for everyone to presume you have to be the one to make contact. You are pregnant. You have greater priorities than trying to get the attention of the person who spent most of your childhood more focused on his addiction.
I am no contact with my mum whose addiction or obsession was her love life to the point she not only stole from her kids but threw me out as a teen and put my younger half sibling in care. Only talked to her after that because of the pleadings of my ill nan and that ended 18 months ago when she ignored my boundaries to leave me a voice mail message of parental advice about my finances.
Just because we are their kids does not give them the right of our permanent forgiveness especially when those interactions are draining at times you need to be focusing on yourself and your child
NTA. The next time granny tries to guilt trip you about how Dad missed you? Ask her how deep into the bottle he got before he started getting all weepy and sad.
NTA – I had the same kind of relationship with my father. The last time I saw him or spoke to him was his retirement party two years ago.
He passed away this month. He never stopped drinking. I couldn’t watch him fade like that. And I’m still glad that I didn’t. Even though we didn’t talk much, we had our times when we were younger. He was a good dad some of the time. It’s those times that matter now. None of the bad matters anymore. He’s gone, they’re my memories, and I’m keeping the good ones.
The right answer is in your post. He is a grown man and can call you if he misses you. I would tel Grandma to stop telling you that and it makes you avoid visiting her.