important context: i’m 23 F and i just celebrated my university graduation ceremony in america. both my parents live in asia and have been separated on bad terms for 10 years now. my dad has money and my mom is less fortunate.
i had invited both my parents to my graduation ceremony in the US and both were able to attend. my mom had been saving and was lucky to come so i was incredibly grateful they were both able to make it. prior to the ceremony my dad had planned a celebratory dinner with my sister and i, considering the ceremony was early in the morning. i hadn’t had any other plans in between so i decided to plan a lunch with my mom so i could split the day equally with each parent (as they can’t stand to be in the same room with each other).
i hadn’t forgotten to mention the lunch plans to my dad as we had made no plans in between the dinner which was my mistake. so during the weekend of my graduation when my dad found out about the lunch plans with my mom, he was extremely upset. he said that it was his day to celebrate with me rather than hers, as he paid for my university. he was forbidding me from seeing my mom that day and was saying my mom did nothing for me for university so it was “his day”.
to this, i got extremely upset and told him that they are both my parents and it was only fair that i had split my time with them. i explained that i was grateful for his financial support throughout my education but it didn’t mean that he could dictate who i spend my time with ESPECIALLY my mother who raised me just as equal to my dad, regardless of money.
he was still extremely upset at this and hadn’t spoken to me for the rest of the day. i then received a text from his wife (who i have had an extremely close relationship with until now) saying how ungrateful i am to my dad, and how i should be celebrating him rather than my academic achievements.
after she sent the message my dad told me to leave the house after my ceremony, and go straight home to where i live alone instead of stay with him an extra night.
since then, i have not spoken to him. i still feel hurt by the situation and i feel as though parents should have equal share of their children if they’re divorced. im grateful to have been supported financially by my father but i still don’t think that financial support is any less important than the support my mother has given me.
him and his wife are meant to come for christmas and i don’t know whether i want to see them without an apology. however im still unsure if i should apologize to him or now. i don’t know what to do.
There’s nothing that you should be apologizing about, it was not his day, it was yours, and you should be able to celebrate it with whoever you want. NTA
NTA. You are their child. Not their parent.
It is your father’s and mother’s job to resolve their differences and stand as a united front for you. You shouldn’t have to choose. I feel you should try to talk to your father, make him understand this, and see if you can resolve it.
NTA, holy moly, is he going to demand a portion of your salary next? This is incredibly controlling behavior on his part, and is definitely unfair to your mom. Your solution of having lunch with her then dinner with him seems more than fair to me. You’re right to want an apology after this. When I went to college I was in a similar situation with my parents. My dad would never try to keep me from seeing my mom, even if they despise each other. Your education is YOURS, not his. Just because he helped you pay for it doesn’t give him more rights to you or your future. I would be incredibly wary of taking money from him in the future if that’s how he’s going to behave.
You’re NTA
>he said that it was his day to celebrate with me
No, it’s **your day** to celebrate yourself with whomever you please.
>received a text from his wife… saying how ungrateful i am to my dad, and how i should be celebrating him rather than my academic achievements.
Ridiculous. Helping your child through school is something any parent (who is financially able to) should do. Behaving as they are is insane. Does the father who bought his child a baseball bat expect to be glorified if the kid hits a home run?
This was your success. Expecting you to ignore your mother and her support is childish and makes your relationship sound transactional.
If you want to be a smart ass, ask them if you had flunked out, would he be accepting the blame since he paid for your failure?
Your dad is an asshole, full stop.
NTA. It was your day to celebrate not his, and frankly your mom is an important person in your life. If he is offended it’s because he’s immature.
NTA, it’s your day to celebrate with who you want.
ngl his wife texting u was the biggest ick. like ma’am pls stay in ur lane 😭 that’s between u + ur dad.
Nta and I’m so sorry you have such a cruel and controlling parent. A good parent wants their child to be happy, so I’m sorry that your success was made about him. I’d suggest low contact going forward.
Looks like you just graduated from being under your father’s thumb as well.
Good for you and NTA.
Your father is the asshole. So is his wife. What is the big crybaby going to do when you get married? Don’t let him manipulate you on this.
NTA. But your dad sure is.
Cancel Christmas. Your father is a massive AH. NTA