I25f have an 8 year old and a 2 year old. I work and do doordash and so does my fiancé (not doordash but he works longer hours.) We have trouble financially and aren’t in the greatest spot but we make it work.
My sister29 has 3 kids but she doesn’t work, she’s never had to work. She married a doctor, and they of course do pretty well for themselves. The one day my sister and I were talking and it came up on Christmas and I told my sister it was probably going to be a small one this year, and that she may get her family’s gifts from us a little late. She made a comment how she doesn’t understand how we do so bad with money when we’re both working and how they don’t have the struggle. She suggested to me maybe going to college or looking into a better job because a shitty job with shitty pay just isn’t worth it and basically made a sly comment how our life choices have led to this with our children and how we probably shouldn’t of started until we were ready.
Both my children were unexpected my oldest I had when I just turned 17. I’ve always acknowledged the set back but that’s why we work so hard.
We got into an argument about it and I basically said she had no room to talk and she’d have nothing without her husband. She got mad and said if she didn’t have him she obviously would’ve waited to have children and went to college and that I was just being an asshole because what she said was true. We haven’t talked since thanksgiving. AITA?
ESH comparison is the thief of joy
ESH. It sounds like you’re jealous, and it sounds like she has no idea how tough it is now.
However, you could find a way to go to college if you want, and 2 “unexpected” children?
And on her end, her husband is a doctor. If he was a teacher, her life would be very different.
When I was 17 I wasn’t careful and I was stupid and it led to pregnancy. My second child I actually was on the pill.
I have no idea how you got “jealous” from this post. She is being judged by family member who just happened to end up in a better situation when she is trying her best to take care of her children. Bizarre comment.
Her sister did not magically end up in a better situation. She made that choice. She even said, if it was not for her husband, she would have waited until she was financially stable to have children. OP is definitely not a deadbeat, but the choices she made for her life made it very difficult for her.
>She even said, if it was not for her husband, she would have waited until she was financially stable to have children.
It’s always easy to pretend you’d have done this or that in hindsight. The fact that the sister said she’d have gone to college and gotten a great job like those two things were easy makes it seem like she’s never worked for anything beyond marrying into wealth.
Woulda coulda shoulda… but didn’t
OP is clearly jealous. She keeps repeating in almost every comment that her sister has never had to work a day in her life.
“You could find a way to go to college if you want” is one of the most privileged and naive things I’ve seen somebody say in this sub, lol.
ESH
Your sister has no right to make mean comments about your financial situation, but neither do you have the right to tell her she’s nothing without her husband.
You think she’s arrogant even though you feel she hasn’t done anything but marry a rich guy, meanwhile you’re defensive because you know your life choices made things harder for you. Is it possible you are envious of her lifestyle? It’s okay if you are, but recognize that you will never be happy if you are always judging you own life against what others have.
Best to focus on the positives in your life, such as the fact you are working hard to make things better for yourself and your children, even if it sucks right now. If your sister can’t be nice, it’s okay to back off from associating with her for a bit.
Good luck, and may your holidays be happy!
YTA. As you acknowledged, your sister isn’t wrong about your life choices. She could have said it in a more constructive manner or not at all (depending on your relationship with her), so I can see why you felt defensive. That said, you’re wrong and a true AH to say that she’d have nothing without her husband. She’s taking care of their children and household, which is valuable work too and gives her husband the ability to focus on his job full time. She has provide their family with children they love. In light of this, telling her that she has NOTHING without her husband is much worse that her telling you that you should go to college or look for a better paying job. You said something incredibly non-feminist and demeaning to her so I don’t blame her for not wanting to talk to you.
ESH because neither of you can understand the other’s life situation. Yeah, you definitely could have done better in life if you had gone to college, but it wasn’t in the cards back then because you had responsibilities. But that said, once you had one kid, you did have the choice to start a career at some point instead of having another one. You say they were unexpected, but after the first an IUD or implant when used with condoms is pretty much foolproof.
And yes, school is an option – even now. I’m an RN. When I went to nursing school, there were plenty of students like you. I had a classmate who was 33 and was a single mom of three, so you can imagine HER struggle. There was another woman who was 19 and working at Starbucks with her 20 year old husband who was also working retail. He supported her through her schooling and now she has a good job and now he’s going to get his degree. They had a one year old and put him in the college daycare.
Your sister may be a stay at home mom, but if she was with her husband when he was in medical school, I guarantee she picked up every single ounce of slack for years. I also guarantee you hit a nerve by telling her she would have nothing without him because she knows it and she probably WANTED to have something. I say this because, while I’m not married to a doctor, I was her for YEARS. I worked part time two nights a week while caring for our kids because one of them was autistic and there was no childcare available for him. My husband worked too far away to be responsible for pickups and his industry requires cocktail hours and dinners at least once or twice a week. So my career and dreams were put on ice until my kids were in middle school and able to handle their own mornings to get to school. I went back to nursing school three years ago and my mental health has been far better since graduating. So I’ve been in her place and it may seem perfect, but the grass is always greener.
I don’t think either of you will ever fully understand the other, but I DO think you can get yourself together and look at a professional degree that goes into a guaranteed job when you graduate. It’s a few years of sacrifice for decades of gains.
>She made a comment how she doesn’t understand how we do so bad with money when we’re both working and how they don’t have the struggle
If she really said this, that is really, really passive-aggressive. You’re NTA.
ESH
You’re both right and you’re both wrong. She doesn’t seem to understand how hard it is out there economically but she’s not wrong in that it was wiser (and in the long run led to a better financial situation for her family) for her to wait to have children until she was financially stable. And that if everything about your life was the same except you didn’t have kids, your life would likely be financially better off (ie- you’d be in a better financial place if you’d waited to have kids)
Your point about her husband supporting her doesn’t really address her point because she never attributed her financial stability to her own hard work or achievement.