I (21M) travelled for Thanksgiving; while I was out of town my cellphone stopped working. Thankfully I still have an iPad/laptop. I mentioned this situation to my friend Gia (30F) & she offered to replace my broken phone w/ her current one when I returned – she’s recently bought a new phone & was intending to throw her old one out once she transferred the data. The switch, though, "*had* to happen Sunday" as she was leaving town Monday. I thanked her & agreed; it made sense. I also asked if she was able to pick me up from the airport once I returned; she said she could. (note: I am a broke college student; she is a professional person.)
When she picked me up, she was on a work call. After, she ordered food for us. We went back to her place; ate/drank/smoked/cooked. In the downtime, she used her phone. I tried to use mine. We had a short conversation ab how it wasn’t working. I was wondering if/when she would be ready to switch as she was using hers fairly constantly. But I basically didn’t want to press the issue, especially considering that she was doing me a solid & I was picturing a quick exchange (transferring data to a new phone, in my experience, takes only a few minutes).
Later she said she had to move her car. As she left I said, "lets not forget the phone thing!" She said right, the phone. I expected her back in a few minutes; she instead ran an errand & returned a half-hour later.
Once she was back, we wanted to watch a little TV. It’s maybe 10 PM. I noticed Gia was getting a little tired but I figured once the show was over we would kick into gear & start cleaning/packing/switching phones. Instead Gia asked if she could call me an Uber.
I was a little taken aback – but the phone thing?! She said that that wasn’t happening tonight. I said, but it’s a quick thing, can’t we do it as you pack? She said she wanted to focus on packing for the rest of the night. Then she said, so you were sitting here this whole time thinking ab the phone; this was entirely transactional.
I denied this but it was a sensitive point. She has provided a lot for me in our relationship, esp on a financial level that I can’t match. My initial impulse was to leave. Since I was upset she stopped me from running out & wanted to have a conversation ab what my expectations were. We then had a long, loud argument. She said that she wasn’t doing a normal iCloud transfer, that the switch would take her more time than I’d originally thought, & that I should have had a plan ab getting her phone that would have worked in both our favor. I said that it was her idea in the first place, that I didn’t feel entitled to ask for her phone as she was using it, & that she’d not prioritized packing until the last minute, at which point she was pressuring me to leave w/o head’s up or follow through re the earlier offer of her phone.
I left abruptly. In the moment I felt like I was sticking up for myself but I wonder if I come across as selfish/unthoughtful/wrong in this story.
I can see both sides here. You weren’t trying to be selfish, just hoping the plan you agreed on would happen. It’s normal to feel upset when expectations aren’t met.
NTA. I’m not sure what Gia’s problem is but it sounds like she has weaponized the power dynamic between you. Maybe she felt taken for granted that you weren’t doing more to make the phone thing happen – ie the ‘plan that worked for you both’ or whatever she was referring to. But I lean more towards the idea that she likes to control things and given your age differences and differences in financial situations, she enjoys holding the reins on your relationship. She achieves this by doing and offering favors to make you dependent on her, or to feel like you owe her something. But beyond those favors, you do what she wants when she wants to do it, and the moment you try to enforce something you need to have happen she becomes a victim.
Surely you can see how toxic this is.
If this is how she reacts to you, even if her feelings are entirely genuine about feeling taken for granted, ending the friendship would be best for you both.
We have been close friends for a long time but I can see what you’re saying.
That’s fair, and hopefully your relationship recovers from this. But that doesn’t mean there isn’t a power dynamic that she plays up and uses against you at times.
Since you’ve been close for a long time, that means she was an adult with a close friendship with a child? If it has been 5 years, you were 16 and she was 25. If it’s been 10, you were 11 and she was 20. The power dynamic definitely exists.
Having a loud argument about it all seems very weird.
Well we’re passionate people.
ESH.
She offered you the phone, set the Sunday deadline, and then spent the whole day using it, running errands, and not mentioning she didn’t actually plan to do the swap. So you weren’t wrong to assume it would happen that night that’s literally what she told you.
But you also didn’t communicate clearly. You waited and hoped she’d bring it up, instead of saying early on, “Hey, what time works for you to do the phone?” By 10 PM she was tired and over it, and it turned into a last-minute thing.
She messed up by procrastinating, not giving you any heads-up, and then turning it into a “you’re being transactional” moment when she was the one who offered the favor. That was her own stress + guilt talking.
You messed up by not checking in earlier and letting it build until it became a fight.
Honestly, this was just bad communication on both sides not a huge moral failing.
NTA
So your friend offered you her phone, without you asking, gave all or the stipulations and setup how and when it was supposed to happen, and your expectation that it would go as she herself had said is the issue she has?
You probably could have said something sooner (esp. before watching TV) but honestly, I cannot see you at fault in this situation.
She offered something, you accepted it, and then she complains it being transactional because you thought it was happening? Feels weird and a bit controlling on her side to me.
NTA. Your friend is not your friend and is lording her perceived power over you. She wants control & wants you to beg. Don’t. She will tell all of your mutual friends and acquaintances how charitable she was toward you & how it wasn’t appreciated. You lose either way. Find better more generous friends who mean what they say.
In this case, YTA. Your friend seems right, that whole day seems to have been transactional. You waiting around her like a dog waiting for a piece of food. The dog loves The Master but the love goes out the window when food is on the line. I mean, you’re fine with your friendship, but in that situation, not so fine
I will say I felt like I was accepting her help and would have made other things work had she not offered it
Hmmm…given this:
>She has provided a lot for me in our relationship, esp on a financial level that I can’t match.
…it seems that she’s been doing A LOT for you.
Beggars can’t be choosers.
YTA.
ps> You’re a grown adult, and you can’t navigate how to replace a phone and pay for it over time?