I (20) dated “Evan” (20) for about two years. We broke up around six months ago. It wasn’t messy honestly, we just realized we weren’t compatible romantically. We agreed to stay friends, and for the most part, we’ve been pretty good at that.
Here’s where it gets complicated.
Evan has always been a “helper” type.
When we were dating, he’d fix things at my apartment, drive me to appointments, carry heavy stuff, etc. After the breakup, he kept doing these things. At first it was comforting like, “Oh, we’re mature exes who can still rely on each other.”
But recently, it’s been a lot.
He’ll show up at my place with groceries because he “was already at the store.” He’ll text me that he’s in my neighborhood and “can take care of that squeaky door hinge.” When my car battery died, he came over at 11 PM to jump it even though I told him AAA was already on the way.
I didn’t ask him to stop, because he seemed genuinely happy to help and I didn’t want to assume weird intentions.
But last week, his new girlfriend messaged me. Very politely. She asked if I could “establish some clearer boundaries” with Evan because she’s uncomfortable with how involved he still is in my life. She said it feels like she’s competing with a ghost of our past relationship.
I apologized and said I’d talk to him.
When I did, he got really upset. He said he knows the breakup was his fault (it honestly wasn’t we just drifted) and helping me is “the least he can do.” He also said I’m one of the only people he feels genuinely needed by. That part made me feel awful.
I told him I appreciated everything he’s done, but I don’t want to be the reason his new relationship struggles. I said maybe he should focus on his girlfriend more and not worry about fixing every problem I have.
He got quiet and said, “So you don’t want me in your life at all?”
I said no, that’s not what I meant we can still be friends, just not whatever this is.
Since then, he’s been distant and cold. Mutual friends think I blindsided him and that if his girlfriend has issues, that’s “her insecurity, not my problem.” Others say it is inappropriate for an ex to still be doing boyfriend-level things.
Now I’m wondering if I overstepped. I didn’t want to hurt him, and I definitely didn’t want to get involved in his new relationship. I just feel like there’s no version of this where this ends well
INFO: why were you texting your ex at 11pm to tell him that your car battery died? And then surprised that he showed up to help you, when you know he’s a “helper”?
Basically, are you part of the problem, keeping in too close contact and telling him too much, too often? How many other friends did you tell about your battery at 11pm?
NTA, he needs to unpack this desperate need he has of “feeling needed” because in my personal experience it’s often rooted in damaged self worth (he was also blaming himself for your breakup so it kind of seems that he just is hard on himself). If you want him to still be in your life you should talk to him and maybe express some concern that he thinks you only want him around because you “need” him and tell him you like his company / enjoy his presence as a friend.
At the end of the day the involvement he has in your life and how much that impacts his relationship is between him and his new girlfriend, but if you care about him as a person I don’t think you should keep letting him do so many things for you, since it doesn’t seem to be very healthy behavior for him.
ESH except the new girlfriend
he’s not over you, and he never actually accepted the breakup. he’s using you to deal with his insecurity/self-worth issues/need to “be needed” (on a nearly pathological level).
and you’ve been enabling him. the boundaries should’ve been established months ago. idk if you like the attention or it’s just convenient to have “a helper”.
but you both need to stop if you want to move on with your life.
His new girlfriend needs to set boundaries up with him. She’s the one that’s in a committed romantic relationship with him. Someone needs to tell him that his need to feel needed will never end if he doesn’t find some healthy way to feel validated and loved. Maybe his love language is acts of service and if that’s the case he has a girlfriend to fulfill that love for him. I feel like if two people you’re close to, tell you that what you’re doing is a problem and you don’t listen and make excuses and can’t take accountability, you’re just a problem person and should probably stay away from people like that. You’re nta and he he really should respect your boundaries and if not then you need to respect your own boundaries and let this this ex be an ex.
ESH
Regardless of whether he has anothet partner you probably shouldn’t see one another in person if at all posdible — ceetainly not alone. Freindship is fine, don’t spend time together in person.
He shouldn’t be running to you. He can be needed by animals at the locsl shelter, sny new partner, his family and other friends.
NAH, but the reason your ex knows you have a squeaky door hinge, need groceries, or you have a dead battery is because you’re telling him these things.
Unless he’s secretly following you, how else could he know? If you are sharing too much information with him, maybe ask yourself why? Is it because you’re so used to sharing the details of life with him that you’ve just carried on?
If it’s truly over, then don’t overshare. As it stands, you’re still sharing details of your life, and he’s still coming running. Are you sure it’s over for both of you?
NTA, you needed to end this now. In fact, in someway I don’t think the ending of the relationship was completely mutual. No one does this level of helping for an ex and then start another relationship. I don’t blame the other girl for feeling weird or as she said “competing with your ghost.” He can help when you ask for help but he doesn’t need to do everything.
I bet if you had a new boyfriend, he would also be annoyed that an ex was so involved to the point of acting like an invisible third wheel. He needed to be told to let go of acting like he was when you were together.
Also, you need to not give him information that allows him the opportunity to help you. Like the car battery thing…he wouldn’t have known had you said nothing. Less is more in this situation.
No matter how “well” the relationship ends , your ex partner shouldn’t be doing so much. It’s still an emotional attachment. You both need to tone that allll the way down to even begin to heal and mourn and move on.
A person who’s been one thing and then 180 to something else. That needs time, it doesn’t matter what kind of relationship that’s ending. It all takes time and being around each other so much, it seems like for him he’s still very much emotionally invested and has not properly gone through what he needs to, to move on.
For this sake and yours , he can’t be doing all that for you.
It’s good he’s cold and distant, he needs to separate himself , he’s upset because he’s not going through that break up process again. So let him be cold and distant and let him go.
NTA but stick to your boundaries, you may be feeding into it by pretending all is okay. I think you need to let go as much as he does. He doesn’t need to know the details of your life anymore. It’s not his concern
ESH
You have no clear boundaries here and have clearly enabled this behaviour. There’s no reason to call your ex at 11pm when you have a problem. You knew the behaviour was unhealthy and not only did you not shut it down, you actually reinforced this behaviour. This is a relationship that needs a clean break. Even when he presented the opportunity for a clean break, you refused to take it and made it clear that you still wanted/needed him around. This does not end well for either of you until you guys cut each other off. Neither of you can move on from each other with the other in their lives.
How do you think this would go if you got a boyfriend? My guess, he spirals hard or your new boyfriend gets sick and tired of him always being around and breaks up with you because you can’t set boundaries with your ex.
Let’s face it, you love that he comes running at the smallest thing you say.
Otherwise, you wouldn’t be telling him your battery died or your door squeaks.
YTA
New gf is right
NTA for stopping him. This is something you should have done before his girlfriend asked you to. With the battery for instance you should have insisted he not come over and turned him away of he did. He was clearly trying to stay in your orbit just in case you change your mind. He’s cold and distant because he is just finally realizing you all aren’t getting back together.
YTA, cant you stop telling him things? This is your own fault and I dont believe for a second that you’re totally clueless. Tell him not to come by anymore after he brought your groceries, tell him you’re not at home when he’s trying to come over. Stop telling him your problems and let contact die out already.
This is not a helper personality: he’s still hung up. And perhaps part of you is thrilled at the attention you’re still receiving but your friends who are calling you out on it that he shouldn’t be doing “boyfriend” things for you, are absolutely right.
And you *know* what he’s doing: how many friends do you have where you drop in unannounced with groceries for them because you were at the store? At least be honest.