I (24F) have been with my husband for a little over 8 years now (only married for about 1.5 years). We went to the same high school and lived in the same county, just on different sides. We live a few hours away from our hometown now and visit maybe once a month. We visit both of our families and such, but I don’t like going to his house.
I am allergic to dogs and cats and have asthma. My in-laws have 2 dogs, 2 cats, and his dad smokes in the house. Every time we visit, I get sick due to all the allergens in the air, even if I take allergy medicine and use my inhaler.
Before we got married, I could just drive home when I started feeling bad, but now I can’t. We take one car and spend at least one night at each other’s houses so we can see our families. Our drive back to where we live now consists of coughing, snot, and not being able to breathe very well. Plus, I’m usually sick a day or two after we get back and I sometimes miss work due to it.
I love my husband and my in-laws, but I’m so tired of being sick anytime we go home, and feeling rude when I ask my husband if we can leave early or go back to my parent’s house. My in-law’s have tried keeping the animals away from me, not letting the animals in the room we sleep in, cleaning before we come, buying an air purifier, but I know that allergens just don’t go away like that. In addition to that, before I even met my husband, I did 3 years of allergy shots and did a breathing treatment for my asthma every 6 months from 6th grade to 12th grade.
I just don’t know what to do anymore. AITA?
Have your in-laws come visit at your place and leave the pets home.
They have not. My husband went to a college in the town we currently live in, and the only time they have “visited” him ever was at our wedding.
The road goes both ways….
And enforce a no smoking rule
Why can’t you go with your husband for a meal then leave him there for an overnight while you go stay at your parents place, then pick him up for a visit at your parents when he’s done?
NTA but moving forward, I’d drop my husband off at his parents home, share pleasantries and go back to your parents house. Your health is severely at risk based on this information and who knows if one of the times it really sends you into a downward spiral. Their house isn’t suitable for you and it should be perfectly reasonable, respected and expected that you no longer stay there
Stop visiting in person. Let your communication be by phone, text, email, family social media, and Zoom. Your physical presence will likely be missed but is not crucial. When ykur husband visits them, he can leave his laptop open on the table showing your face to them and you can see everyone, and you can join in the conversation. It will take a little time for everyone to adjust to the new normal, but your health is important. People will adjust.
NTA.
I would suggest more outside activities together whilst you are there… Go to a restaurant if it’s within your budget or spend some time in a park – have a picnic etc. If possible stay the night somewhere else…
That way you can spend quality time with your in-laws without compromising your health.
Invite them over to op’s parents home. Why should they have to hop scotch all over tge county to see everyone? Trust me, thats exhausting.
It definitely is frequent… I’d be exhausted by just thinking about visits like that every month.
But since both parents luve in the same area, it probably makes more sense. Just not so often that it becomes a health issue.
Nta provided your illness is legitimate. It sounds like it is.
Id just stay flexible. You get the car and when you’ve had your fill of that environment, you bail. Id also suggest meeting at neutral locations like restaurants and parks. Do they have a good relationship with your parents? Invite everyone together so you don’t have to hop around. Some accommodations should be made for you visiting.
Why not stay for a meal and then spend the night in a local hotel/airbnb? You can join them ( or they could join you) for a nice breakfast. It is not like you would be talking to them while you are asleep in bed, so I don’t see why you need to stay there. If your partner is keen to do stay over, you could meet him in the morning too!
Why can’t you stay at your parents home and he stay at his? Doesn’t that sound obvious?
Honestly I’m a little taken aback that your husband hasn’t been the one to suggest you (both) not go there. If I drove home with my SO and they were this miserable I’d be coming up with plans left and right to help them avoid feeling this way.
But some people are just different I guess.