My partner was going through some personal stuff and dumped me last Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. We are both mid 30s and have been together for most of this year (10mo total, 11 at Christmas).
We have discussed plans to be together for the rest of our lives but aren’t engaged and don’t live together (we both rushed into brief marriages in our 20s) yet. Not sure if this is relevant but I make approx 3x what she does.
I was shocked that she would end the relationship in the rapid way she did – we ended up having a long talk and got back together on Sunday. I think she doesn’t view it as us having broken up, just me supporting her while she was going through a rough time.
So. Christmas is coming up. I had planned on spending a few thousand on some nice jewelry for her in a kind of "This isn’t a ring but there is some heavy intention behind it and I love you with all of my heart and want to be with you forever" kind of a Christmas.
Now I’m thinking maybe a sweater and a couple Brenee Brown books could be a better idea for both of us. And it would put us in a more equal footing in what we are giving each other for Christmas, cost wise, but not in a ratio to our incomes (the idea of which I find a little off putting but see online).
I being selfish because I want to save money? Or is it wise and realistic to ask for a year of commitment before I start dropping a lot of money on gifts? WIBTA?
Clarity: Broke up Wednesday, 11/25, got back together Sunday, 11/30
Why would you give anything for an ex?
NTA. Spending thousands on a – shaky – new relationship is way too much.
Her reaction to your gift will also tell you a lot.
NTA income related gifts shouldn’t be a thing after a breakup. Especially when some people just don’t want to spend the holiday season single. Gift the sweater and books and if you’re still together next year then feel free to spend willy nilly.
Info: is she expecting something fancy?
Regardless, I think you need to be upfront with your partner and say you each processed the separation in different ways and you will need some time to return to the previous baseline and re-establish trust. Being discarded like that does things to the nervous system and you deserve to feel safe before you move closer towards gestures of deeper commitment. NTA
Nta. A smaller gift is smart after a breakup scare. Focus on rebuilding trust, not grand gestures. If things are solid in a year, then go bigger
A gift isn’t a measure of love. What’s more important is your relationship right now and the effort you both put into each other, not the price of the gift.
NTA. Sweater and Brene Brown sounds just fine as long as the books aren’t a passive aggressive message (“you need help!”) and would be something she’s interested in.
Sounds like the two of you need to rebuild some safety and make sense of what happened. No need to add stress about perfect presents at this point. And no one ever owes anyone an expensive present, regardless of income.
If you don‘t see yourself investing in the relationship through gifts anymore, isn’t it just better to break it off? You seemingly don‘t trust her not to pull something like that off again (rightfully so), so you might as well cut your losses.
But you know her better than we do. If you want to reassess the relationship because you truly believe in it, do as you suggested. Keep it casual this christmas and go from there. NTA
Maybe find out first what kind of relationship you actually have and want with her? You don’t live together, you’re not engaged, she ended the relationship at the drop of a hat (it seems) and now she’s back and she’s your….what? Girlfriend? Friend with benefits? Close acquaintance? ‘Your person”? To me it seems you’re standing on some very shaky ground when it comes to your gf, so I would opt for your ‘comfort presents’ rather than jewellery. Call me old-fashioned, but that kind of jewellery is appropriate for a wife-to-be, a.k.a a fiancee.
NTA
Don’t drop thousands of dollars on someone who is wishy washy. The intention behind your gift is lovely, but will still be lovely next year.
It’s not so much about waiting for the 1 year mark before you drop money on someone…. but if your intention was to show dedication and commitment… wait until you’re receiving like in turn, IMO
How about a nice weekend away for the two of you? Sounds like you could use some time to talk, connect, etc.
This relationship doesn’t have a future.
My partner and I have been together 7 years, he earns a lot but I don’t think he’s ever spent more than a few hundred on a gift for me. £1000s is way too much in the first year, especially with what sounds like a rocky relationship.
You’d better gifting a token gift and then something to do together; concert tickets, a show, high end meal. Then that way your gaining too and can also use it as a date night and see where things are heading. If your back on track could always buy an necklace or something for Valentine’s Day if it seems right